Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on October 31, 2013, 05:02:40 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on October 31, 2013, 04:50:55 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on October 31, 2013, 04:34:08 AM ---Thanks, you two! I find I struggle with people a lot more when I'm finding life difficult in general. I just get really annoyed over little things. I start to feel like I'm kept in a little box, waiting for someone to take me out and play with me for a while, then put me away again when they're done.
A friend I haven't heard from in almost a year rang wanting to get together. I just don't feel connections with people I don't speak to regularly any more. I couldn't make the date she suggested and now she keeps phoning wanting to sort something out. I'm torn between telling the truth and just ignoring her until she stops ringing. Telling the truth feels like the right thing to do. But I know from past experience telling the truth usually leads to loads more hassle, which puts me off.
Another friend made arrangements for a day out, then wanted to change all the arrangements because other plans had changed and she wanted to do other stuff as well. It really irritated me, far more than it should have done, really. I didn't change, instead we cancelled. I just feel like it's always me that is flexible and keeps changing things. I find it really tiring.
Another friend took two weeks to get back to me about something and then wanted to do it straight away. I don't know how to explain how I feel, I know it's out of proportion to what's actually happening but I feel constantly invisible and then expected to perform. I feel so lonely but then I find being around people such hard work that I just don't want to do it a lot of the time.
Sorry, just needed a moan.
--- End quote ---
Tupp,
You're not alone. I'm struggling with that now, too.
It feels like....."If someone can't U-u-u-se me, then they have NO USE for me!" I'm invisible until they want something. Then once they get what THEY WANT, then I'm told to "get lost".
Know what I mean?
--- End quote ---
I do Bonesie, I do.
It's one of those things that I struggle with. I know I am very sensitive to other people - overly so, in some cases. And I do understand and appreciate that most people have busy lives and are juggling jobs, kids, family, chores and have their own problems to deal with as well. So I try not to focus on it all too much. And I suppose that not having a family or a partner means that I do want more from my friends than other people do, perhaps? I don't know. But at the minute it all feels like too much of an effort.
There's a chap who runs one of the groups we go to, it's a sports group for disabled people. This chap is ex-army and so very hot on people being on time and being where they're supposed to be. He can't understand how people can live their lives not being in the right place at the right time. I feel a bit like that. I don't get why it's impossible for some people to return a phone call or let me know whether or not they want to do something. I don't mean instantly, but I think within a week is reasonable in most circumstances, particularly as we now have phone, text and email. I don't get people changing arrangements that have already been organised for their convenience. In an emergency it's perfectly understandable but other than that I just find it annoying. And I've just got to a point where I feel like I can't be arsed with it. Partly because I do find I'm quite an out of sight, out of mind person. If I don't hear back I start focusing on something else. Then when they do call I sort of feel like I've moved past that point. I don't really know how to explain it.
Anyhow. Sorry again for all the moaning! Are you feeling any better yet?
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Tupp.
I have good days and bad days.
I really identify with what you said. Regarding the ex-army chap, I can understand his annoyance especially when he's planned something, given his schedule, and, invariably, there is always a late-comer who shows up either in the middle or toward the end and expects everyone to accommodate THEM! I've known late-comers who will show up HOURS late for something and demand attention the instant they walk in the door...ALL THE TIME! I've watched this done at a party, where the host and hostess were BUSY attending to other guests, when the "QUEEN" ANNOUNCED HER ARRIVAL and EXPECTED EVERYONE to STOP AND ATTEND HER! (Guess what? Didn't happen! The result was that she was NEVER invited again! The idiot who pulled that stunt was NDoofus, my EX-friend.)
This may sound weird, but at times I feel like I want to knock on a neighbor's door and ask: "Do you want to come out and play?" Everyone's so busy that nobody wants to do anything.
Meh:
I'm so tired I just want to go to sleep and not play with anybody. What a grump.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Green Bean on November 01, 2013, 12:04:18 AM ---I'm so tired I just want to go to sleep and not play with anybody. What a grump.
--- End quote ---
Lol well that's just how I feel today Green so you are in good company. I think that there's so much going on - my son's disability, my own health problems, dealing with this paperwork, all the emotional stuff that comes up with it and the ordinary every day things like running a home - that I just genuinely haven't got the energy for other people. At all. Maybe that's it? Maybe other people aren't so constantly knackered that they don't mind faffing around making arrangements over and over again, whereas those of us already dealing with other stuff just can't be arsed? Who knows?
Bones, I hope you get more good days and bad. And someone to play with :) Yes, I know people like that. I have a friend - who I try and see less of now - who just last week wrote a date down on my calendar without asking me whether I was free or whether I wanted to meet with her and the other person she'll be with. And I don't want to, the other friend is someone else I rarely hear from and I just don't want to spend time with her anymore. I honestly feel scared about saying that. But I feel I'm being deceitful if I don't tell the truth.
BonesMS:
"Bones, I hope you get more good days and bad. And someone to play with Smile Yes, I know people like that. I have a friend - who I try and see less of now - who just last week wrote a date down on my calendar without asking me whether I was free or whether I wanted to meet with her and the other person she'll be with. And I don't want to, the other friend is someone else I rarely hear from and I just don't want to spend time with her anymore. I honestly feel scared about saying that. But I feel I'm being deceitful if I don't tell the truth."
Thanks, Tupp.
From my perspective, you're not being deceitful when the other person REFUSES to HEAR YOU!
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on November 01, 2013, 06:27:13 AM ---"Bones, I hope you get more good days and bad. And someone to play with Smile Yes, I know people like that. I have a friend - who I try and see less of now - who just last week wrote a date down on my calendar without asking me whether I was free or whether I wanted to meet with her and the other person she'll be with. And I don't want to, the other friend is someone else I rarely hear from and I just don't want to spend time with her anymore. I honestly feel scared about saying that. But I feel I'm being deceitful if I don't tell the truth."
Thanks, Tupp.
From my perspective, you're not being deceitful when the other person REFUSES to HEAR YOU!
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Bones. I think I'm starting to get my head around it all a bit more now. I think what I want in a friendship is equality? There will always be times when one person is more capable than the other for all sorts of reasons. But I think I'd got to the point where I felt like I was making a lot more effort than other people were. I think I also still feel a bit as if I don't have a right to choose who my friends are. I think I've mentioned in this that I've always been very passive in friendships and I've sort of gone along with other people regardless of whether or not I want to be around them and/or enjoy spending time with them. I've also got to a point, I think, where I can see that there are some people who I did/do like but our lives have got to a point now where the relationship just isn't sustainable. I suppose friendships are like romantic relationships in the sense that sometimes it just runs its course, there isn't always a big reason or a situation.
But I think what I do want in my life are friends that make a similar amount of effort to see or spend time with me and who enjoy my company and aren't just filling time until something or someone else comes along. I think that's happened a lot to me, largely because I just let myself go along with things. So I'm making an effort to connect more with other people. I think there is also that comfort zone of doing something even though you don't really want to anymore? So I'm trying to get out of that now as well.
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