Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Green Bean on November 06, 2013, 11:20:17 PM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on November 06, 2013, 03:43:53 AM ---
So I think what I'm trying to do at the minute is trying to get that balance of not being around people who trigger too much but not cutting out so many that I'm left with no-one. But definitely meeting new people is something I'm getting better at and feeling more confident about :)
--- End quote ---
Yah,
Finding the "right" people if they even exist is quite the process I suppose.
I find that a lot of people are very selective with whom they become friends with and I never really figured it all out to be honest.
--- End quote ---
Ha, no, me neither, Green!
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 06, 2013, 09:27:30 PM ---I understand that so well, Tupp.
To me, the silent treatment feels like shunning.
I also have a very hard time with managing the "space" between connection, sometimes.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Yes, it's that balance, isn't it, between other people not needing the same as we do but being aware enough of what we do need that we don't put ourselves under unnecessary pressure to fit in or ignore the way something makes us feel. It was interesting because I talked about all of this briefly with this new therapist last week and when I mentioned 'normal' reactions to things she said "What's normal? Don't dismiss something because you don't think you should feel or think that way, it's your perception, it's valid. You don't have to be like other people". We didn't go any further with it as there wasn't time with that session but it is making me think about the way I prioritise my time (me and what I want at the back of the queue) and the fact that so many people in my life also leave me at the back of the queue! And ironically what I want the most is to be at the front!
Bizarrely, several people that I haven't heard from in ages (about a year or so) have all got in touch in the space of this last week or two. Because I've not heard from them for so long, I've decided to try not to call back straight away but to wait until I've done everything else I want to do and then return their calls when it suits me. It feels very alien to me to think like this.
Hopalong:
I love your therapist.
And I love hearing how you're trying NEW approaches!
That's awesome, Tupp.
:)
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 08, 2013, 08:23:51 PM ---I love your therapist.
And I love hearing how you're trying NEW approaches!
That's awesome, Tupp.
:)
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops :) I liked the therapist as well, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some good work with her!
I think I am going to try another new approach as well, although my mind is a bit muddled about it so it's a bit vague at the minute.
This week has been odd, both brilliant and terrible at the same time. It's been like living two different lives at once.
On the one hand we went to this demo, met loads of people, got loads of info about other protests to get involved in and I felt really alive, for the first time in a really long time. My son enjoyed it as well so for us to have something we both really like that I feel is doing some good as well is amazing.
But I haven't had a conversation about this in the real world, because I haven't actually had a conversation with anyone this week that's extended beyond a quick chit chat and, in all honesty, no-one I know is really interested in things like protests, they think it's a bit radical and out there (that's the impression I've got from the lack of interest in us doing it, anyway).
What I have done this week is offer support to: a friend who is suffering from cancer, a friend whose son is having terrible problems, a friend who's suffering from terrible migraines, a friend who's son is being tested for health problems and another friend who is coping with the anniversary of her daughter's death this week. On top of which I fitted in a protest march, a week of home schooling, the usual day to day running of the house, a therapy session (which no-one other than people on this board knows about because I haven't spoken to anyone about me this week) and the fact that both my son and myself are still run down after colds and both generally worn out.
I think this is the first time I really clearly see the lack of balance in my life. I don't have anyone in the real world to share any of this with, to off load to, to take on a bit of the work for me. So I am seeing that I really need to change this and to start putting myself first, and to try and do something about the fact that there seems to be so much ill health and disaster in my life.
Hopalong:
That's a massive list! And you forgot the troubled young girl online.
Tupp, that's a good thing. I noticed on the other thread you named it co-dependence.
I have a very close and beloved friend, a hospice social worker. Just quit after completely
exhausting herself with over-dedication, as a matter of fact. I have my pathologies, which
she understands and accepts, and she has hers, which I understand but accept less gracefully
(because one of the lovely things I inherited was reflex to be judgmental...)
So. This thing I notice about her, that I am averse to, is her attitude toward animals.
First. I BENEFIT from it, because she adores my pooch and takes care of her for me sometimes.
But also, sometimes it squicks me out. Hard to describe, but, when we take walks and encounter
any animal at all (usually contented pet dogs or cats), her response to every single animal regardless of its
youth or age is:
Ohhhhh baaaaaaaaaaaaaby, okay, okay, yes, yes, okay, come here, yes, come here, it's okay baaaaaaaaaaby.
And it's like, every single living thing she encounters she responds to as though:
1) they are at that very moment in a tragic state of being abused
2) she is the only one whose empathy is functional and can respond to rescue them
Odd. But I notice that this is the loop she's in. It's as though because of her own damage,
she cannot empathize with ease, with relaxation, with peace, with simple wellbeing. She is
restless, in some way, I believe, that causes her to yearn for others' suffering to soothe.
I can't count the ways I am fortunate in how she's soothed mine. So, she is one of my
friends I am most profoundly grateful for (hence my guilt over these critical thoughts).
And I support her too. But this one habit, with animals we meet, feels unwell, in a way.
Couple times, when she's been crouched on a sidewalk entreating an animal to come to her
in that way, they've walked around her and come straight to me. I'd just been looking, delighting,
and welcoming them, mentally.
It's like for her, all animals are hospice patients. And I don't like how I feel around this vibe.
I know she's utterly trustworthy and we will be mutually supportive and caring old ladies.
She is also one of the LEAST judgmental people I know, when it comes to emotions. I do
feel incredibly lucky to have her in my life. But at times, just now and then, I feel a little tiny
vibe of her being just a tad...buzzardly.
Isn't that an awful way to judge someone? I don't mind confessing it here though.
And what the hell is wrong with anyone who so yearns to help and rescue? Maybe
something's wrong with ME. Something else, I mean. I'll add it to things I need to
contemplate.
Your list of helpees made me think of it, though it's not equivalent.
I am delighted to hear how you're groping to find yourself in the middle of these
urges, Tupp. I think it's very very healthy.
love
Hops
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