Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
Ha ha, Hopsie, that did make me laugh, I have a friend who's like that with young children, we'll be out somewhere and, mid-conversation, she suddenly gives a gasp that makes me think she's having a heart attack or something and it's not, she's seen a toddler and just goes into raptures about how wonderful they are. I do see completely what you mean, empathy is another skill I need to practise, I think. There is a fine line between caring and being overbearing, just as there is a fine line between healthy boundaries and being heartless.
Of the list of people I support, only one of them genuinely doesn't have anyone else around to support them (that's the young lady online). My friend who has cancer doesn't have much support and that is one of those awful illnesses where you do want to be as supportive as possible. Equally with my friend whose daughter died, as it's the anniversary I do want to see her at that time and let her know I'm thinking of her.
But the others all have other people around them and I think, like your friend with the dogs, because I have no-one, in the same way that she thinks every animal is being abused, I assume everyone is terribly lonely and neglected, and in the same way that she thinks she's the only one that will rescue them, I think I'm the only one that will bother. Ironically, even in that situation, there is still no-one who bothers with me. So I think I must start bothering with myself?
I realised today that there is no-one in my life who loves me. No family, no partner and, whilst I have friends, I wouldn't say that I feel loved by any of them. My son loves me but I don't feel that with him as he's not able to express that or think of others because of the problems he has. I think that love is different, anyway, it's not the same as adult to adult.
But it made me think that I've used doing good and being caring as a way of trying to replicate that feeling of being loved and wanted. People are nice to you when you are doing good things for them and I think that's the mistake I've made. I've been so focused on getting those feel good feelings that I haven't thought about how to do it in any way other than giving constantly. So I need to address that somehow, I'm just not quite sure how at the minute!
I don't think that you are judging your friend, more that you're observing her behaviour at certain times. It would be hard not to notice. Don't contemplate too much on that, I don't believe the list should be that long xx
Twoapenny:
I was reading an article that was taking the mickey out of Gwyneth Paltrow's website Goop and it mentioned this article on friendships, which I actually found quite useful:
http://www.goop.com/journal/be/71/friendship-divorce
I feel a bit like I'm moving between two worlds at the moment. In one world I have 'old' friends who, for the most part, I no longer have much in common with and who I don't want to spend too much time with. In the other, I have 'new' friends, who are more my kind of people and who I like being around but I find my insecurities and anxieties make it difficult at times to meet up with them or to just go with it and enjoy it. I have a deep seated belief that I'm simply not clever enough/nice enough/ funny enough for these people to want to be around. But I feel that I am getting there slowly. It's blooming hard work, though!
Hopalong:
Thanks for making me laugh too Tupp...you so GOT it with this:
--- Quote ---we'll be out somewhere and, mid-conversation, she suddenly gives a gasp that makes me think she's having a heart attack or something and it's not, she's seen a toddler
--- End quote ---
That's a spot-on sendup. Hysterical!
And as to your new friends, hon...here's the great big unavoidable only-answer-there-is secret...the answer is...
practice.
Look at all encounters/assays/efforts/risks/reachings-out as...practice.
It really really helps.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on December 08, 2013, 03:01:12 PM ---Thanks for making me laugh too Tupp...you so GOT it with this:
--- Quote ---we'll be out somewhere and, mid-conversation, she suddenly gives a gasp that makes me think she's having a heart attack or something and it's not, she's seen a toddler
--- End quote ---
That's a spot-on sendup. Hysterical!
And as to your new friends, hon...here's the great big unavoidable only-answer-there-is secret...the answer is...
practice.
Look at all encounters/assays/efforts/risks/reachings-out as...practice.
It really really helps.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Yes, the practise bit is hard but I'm trying and it is easier at times! I do feel I'm on the right track, it just feels like a really steep learning curve sometimes :)
Twoapenny:
I've been thinking about all of this a lot recently and really just want to get what is in my head down here, even though some of it I think has been said before.
I have noticed some patterns in my behaviour when I look back over my life. Whenever there is a major upset, I head for my home town. I despise the area I grew up in. It is full of bad memories, it is full of people who drive me mad, I was bored rigid by the time I was fifteen and it's a deprived area miles from any kind of civilization. Yet when things go wrong in my attempts to escape it all I always head back there. I think it is safer than battling through new things and coping with what life throws at me. So that is one thing that I need to work on now.
As far as friendships go I think I have mentioned before that I have always been very passive and have gone with people who've come to me rather than taking the initiative and getting to know people who interest me. My focus is on whether they like me/accept me rather than whether I enjoy their company and find them interesting. I focus on what other people want/need rather than what I want or need.
I've been thinking about how to make new friends and have decided that there are three people I already know that I would like to get to know better. It feels very calculating but I am going to try and schedule time with them on a weekly basis to get to know them better and to see if the relationship can grow. This feels sort of wrong but also seems sensible?
I'd also like to try and meet more people and get out of my comfort zone a bit so in the New Year I am going to sign up for an indoor rock climbing course I saw advertised. They do beginners classes at a low rate and then run women only sessions as well as mixed ones. I'd like to go to the women only ones. I'd really like to develop some healthy female relationships and I thought that meeting people via an activity might be a good way to do it. I'd also really like to start having a separate life from my son now that he's getting older. He already goes rock climbing so it's something that we could do together and on our own so it seems like a good place to start.
I've realised I find it easier to stay in friendships I'm not keen on rather than making new ones. I find the whole process really frightening. Having to deal with possible rejection is a big deal for me. But I think I need to work on that now.
So that's my update for the time being. I feel like I am stepping into an abyss! But now I think I can see where I've made mistakes before I'm hoping I can do things differently now.
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