Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on January 27, 2014, 01:36:12 PM ---So glad you're making a change, and finding better ways, Tupp.
Just getting started can sometimes be the hardest part, then doors are opening, and there's less time for stress, kwim?
I think playdate exchanges will happen organically, as you and your son get comfortable with other moms and children, or they won't.
Something to keep in mind.
In the meantime, ask yourself what you really want to do at least once a day.
Try to be mindful about giving to yourself. You give so much to others....
you need attention too; )
Light
--- End quote ---
Ah thank you, Lighter (((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))
Was massively triggered today, not really sure why but was out for a walk with two nice ladies, my son and their dogs, beautiful scenery, stopped for a snack and a drink afterwards, chatting away, came home feeling utterly bereft, took myself off to bed with a hot water bottle, had a good cry and a flood of childhood memories came through so strongly; an incident as a teenager when a whole group of 'friends' got up one by one to go to the toilet and didn't come back (we'd been out for the day and were on the train on the way home). None of them ever spoke to me again after that day, or me to them and I never had any idea why they did it. When we got to the station they all got out of another carriage and I just walked home on my own. And a whole lot of stuff to do with my mum attacking my dad and some of her generally crazy behaviour when we were kids. How that woman has ever had the nerve to criticise anyone else is beyond me.
So yes, a whole lot of stuff came out, we're out this evening which is probably a good thing, I suppose this is what real life is about after abuse; sometimes these things will just happen and you either have to accept it and move with it or stay indoors and avoid people forever (which is what I've been doing up until now). Feel better for it, it's just odd when it happens and there's no obvious reason.
lighter:
(((((Tupp)))))
What those teens did to you was so......
cruel.
Little Lord of the Fly monsters....
::shaking fist at them::
Clueless little bastards.
You juts keep reaching out, and making space for chosen family.
Even when it's not easy: )
::nodding::
Light
Twoapenny:
Thank you, Lighter :)
I've thought about it a lot over the last few days and suddenly my problems with friendships seem to make more sense. I can get now why I'm so passive in relationships and why I tend to fall in with others plans and don't assert myself. I can also see why I feel I can never disagree or speak out in a friendship (I'm sure that's to do with my mum as well), and funnily enough there have been other times in my life when entire groups of people have just stopped returning my calls, although not in such a direct way as that incident was.
So I've rebooked a get together for next week; I had arranged to do it on a day that doesn't really suit me but I called to see if we could change it and we can, all good. This is with a lady who offers to meet closer to me alternate weeks so it isn't one person doing all the driving - considerate and fair, which is good and something/someone I need to be around :)
I've also made an effort to meet up with some other home educators in the area; nothing definite yet but there are emails moving around and it's just a matter of time until that happens - stepping in the right direction :)
I've also decided to try and see triggers as useful things that help. I've always been so scared of them because I find the emotions so hard to cope with. But I can see now how they can show you that something is wrong or isn't fixed and then I can fix it once I figure out what's going on. So I'm going to try and think of them as good things rather than bad.
Thank you for all your input and responses, it really means a lot (and helps a lot) xx
lighter:
Yup, Tup:
The triggers are like arrows pointing to something that needs attention, huh?
And speaking up about our needs and feelings is something we just have to wrap our minds around, and stop thinking of as world war PD. It's just normal give take ebb and flow in healthy relationships, and people deserve and need to know what's going on in other people's heads in order to relate in a healthy manner.
Sure, it's hard. It feels alien, but the more we do it the easier it gets. The more we realize the adrenaline dumps are just old pd junk we can leave behind, it opens us up to replace with something else.
Something better.
It's painful and any growth takes time.....
if there was no discomfort, we wouldn't be moved to make changes, right?
The discomfort and pain are simply messengers, and I'm glad you've identified the triggers as such. Yay.
I guess we begin to really trust we won't be swallowed by irrational pd insanity again if we put boundaries in place, and defend them appropriately at the first sign of trouble.
PD's start by pushing little boundaries, and if we allow it, they move up to a bigger boundary transgression. If we trust ourselves.... we get better at relating with others without so much stress, and doubt, and fear. We say NO to the pd's, and have room for better things, even if those things don't feel quite right. IF we hang in there, they become familiar, and what becomes familiar becomes habit and what becomes habit becomes pleasure.
Yes.
Light
Hopalong:
I get it, Tupp. So well.
And I think the flood of tears after the trigger is a GOOD thing.
It's like healing.
And it's proof how the past is interfering with the present (during which you're NOT being treated cruelly).
And you SEE the connection.
All that points so powerfully to you being underway in a true healing process.
You're doing GREAT.
Hops
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