Making New Friends

[Twoapenny]

For some reason I'm remembering some woman from years ago (but not the exact situation) who taught me something, or who demonstrated...radically befriending yourself.

Maybe it was in a workshop, or something.
But she was modeling how literally and effortfully (at first) she would pause about situations and people, and always, always, check in with herself and respect what her own needs were. After some very intentional laborious and jerky practice for a long time, it became second nature.

And then she went around looking serene not because she was a good actor, but because it was real. She was at peace in her own company, and loved other people, but was fine either way. So she weathered a lot of fears and disappointments way way easier.

xo
Hops

Wow, Hops, that is so spot on and so timely!  I am really seeing at the minute how much I react to things from my mum's point of view.  I bumped into someone yesterday I hadn't seen for ten years.  Our sons are the same age so when they were small we bumped into each other at toddler groups and so on, as they've got older we've not gone to the same things.  Instead of thinking "Oh how lovely to see her, how are the kids" etc this list went through my head of everything she'd be criticising as she looked at me - scruffy clothes (I'd been gardening), mad hair (it had rained and my hair goes bonkers when it gets wet), clapped out car (have always driven old bangers).  And every word of that is what my mum would have said about me.  And I bet you that lady didn't think any of that, she probably went away thinking "oh how lovely to see her, I'm glad her son's well!"  And of course all of that goes through your head in about a split second so I just sort of stood there with my mouth open and nodded at the right moments.

So - I guess slow it all down?  I think I panic? So a deep breath and a moment to pause while I gather my thoughts?  More to practise.  I'm enjoying this bit, though?  It's a bit like learning how to ride your bike and that great bit when you realise no-one's holding on and you're doing it on your own.

On a slightly different note, I'm back in contact with my estranged sister so I've been hearing a bit about the madness within the family - not much, I don't want to know too much, but it's amazed me that I've changed so much in the last ten years and none of them have changed at all.  As you know I live just across the road from them.  My mum had a big gathering recently, I've heard, so all my aunts, uncles, cousins and old family friends were there, they all know I live across the road and none of them called or enquired about popping round (or even mentioned that they would be in the area, I'm in contact with a couple of them).  And what was lovely was that I didn't feel sad, or angry, or rejected (which I would have done in the past) - I just felt it showed I'd done the right thing by getting out and it made me glad I did it.

[Twoapenny]

Something else I noticed yesterday - I panic massively at the thought of being around people I know?!  Went out feeling good - saw someone I knew -  turned into a wreck and went home feeling awful.  Have never noticed that before, yet now I have, can see it happens a lot.  Was invited out for someone's birthday yesterday - almost said no because it's a local pub and people I know will be there.  If it had been somewhere I'd never been to before I'd have been fine about it.  Weird!

[Twoapenny]

Another thing!  It's all revelations for me at the moment!

Had a couple of situations yesterday where I didn't get the responses I had hoped for and I felt really angry.  Thought about it a lot as my anger was very unjustified and, as I calmed down, I reread the responses that I'd reacted to, there's nothing wrong with them, they just weren't falling over themselves to do what I'd suggested.

Realised as the day went on that I had percieved it as a criticism, or as something that I had got wrong (ie - made a suggestion - it wasn't the right one - therefore I'm wrong and that's bad).  Also realised that they're situations that can be worked on and adjusted if necessary so nothing set in stone anyway - again not something I'm used to as conversations always tended to get shut down very quickly.

So the weekend's lesson - no need to over react to someone not being excited about my idea, it isn't a character flaw in me to not understand everyone else's innermost thoughts and feelings!  And no need to think anything is the final word - there is space for compromise and most people are happy to talk and work things out.

[Gaining Strength]

I so love your posts. I get so encouraged seeing how you catch yourself reacting to the internalized negative N parent voices. I am beginning to do that and it gives me such great hope. I see at long last how seeing how others interact them me through my N lens has lead to a misinterpretation that has been damaging to me. It may be too late for some long lost friendships that I long to reconnect, but it is not too late for developing future friendships.  Your posts give me great hope.

I love reading that you were able to learn that relatives were at your mother's and didn't call on you and yet you were able to let it go. I am just a beginning to let go of the hurt and resentment from not being included by extended family after my parent's deaths. It was so painful at first, but now I am slowly finding letting go of the hurt to be freeing. So much baggage is going with it all.

I totally connect with your post on "responses". I always take things personally. I'm so impressed that you are looking at it with different eyes now and seeing it from a new perspective. I'm right behind you. It sounds so freeing.

[Twoapenny]

I so love your posts. I get so encouraged seeing how you catch yourself reacting to the internalized negative N parent voices. I am beginning to do that and it gives me such great hope. I see at long last how seeing how others interact them me through my N lens has lead to a misinterpretation that has been damaging to me. It may be too late for some long lost friendships that I long to reconnect, but it is not too late for developing future friendships.  Your posts give me great hope.

I love reading that you were able to learn that relatives were at your mother's and didn't call on you and yet you were able to let it go. I am just a beginning to let go of the hurt and resentment from not being included by extended family after my parent's deaths. It was so painful at first, but now I am slowly finding letting go of the hurt to be freeing. So much baggage is going with it all.

I totally connect with your post on "responses". I always take things personally. I'm so impressed that you are looking at it with different eyes now and seeing it from a new perspective. I'm right behind you. It sounds so freeing.

Hi GS,

Thanks for writing that, I'm really glad you find some of it helps you, I always find it helps me to know that someone else is getting something out of it (particularly when I quite often post just because I need to get it straight in my own head) so thank you for doing that.  Although I'm hoping what I'm going to write next won't put you off!

After quite a few weeks of noticing small things and just generally observing stuff and getting a clearer picture of myself, I suppose, something happened this weekend.  I'm not sure whether to call it a meltdown or an epiphany, to be honest, maybe the two are similar things anyway?  But I realised, to my absolute horror, that I have simply replaced my toxic family with toxic friends and that I'm recreating or reliving the same situation I had with my mum and other family members ten or so years ago.

I know a lot of people who call when they want something, but not at any other time.  I have lost count now of the number of 'friends' who take months to return my calls, if they call back at all.  Not one person helps me out, visits (unless they want something) or spends any time with my son.  None of them 'hear' me - if I say I can't do something because I'm too tired, or it will be too much to cope with, I get guilt tripped into agreeing - no-one offers to help or just says "Alright mate, no problem, we'll hook up another time".  When I was first trying to disengage from my family, one of the hardest things to stop them doing was turning up and parking their backsides on my sofa for hours while they whinged and moaned.  Apart from it being tedious, it also stopped me from getting on with my day.  After numerous requests were ignored, I eventually had to lie and tell them I'd gone back to work and would be working from home.  Even that didn't stop them completely, and I find myself in the same situation now with 'friends', as I find myself having to lie about being out or being busy because simply saying "I've got stuff to do, no you can't come over" isn't good enough.

I still feel like I'm invisible, and I can see now that I've just put myself in the same situation with a different group of people.  I have no idea why I've done it, why I've not noticed it before or why it's suddenly become so crystal clear that I've actually felt physically sick all weekend.  But that is where I'm at right now.  I feel like I've been run over - so exhausted and so stupid to have been caught up like this again.  At least now I've seen it I can do something about it.

[Gaining Strength]

Ugh.

Maybe it's become crystal clear because it is aaallllll about to change for you. Read the post river made about new friends on my thread.  I totally think that might be what's going . Why not?

[Twoapenny]

Ugh.

Maybe it's become crystal clear because it is aaallllll about to change for you. Read the post river made about new friends on my thread.  I totally think that might be what's going . Why not?

Hi GS,

Have read it and, yes, I think you might be right.  The emotional pull just isn't there now.  I don't know what on earth I've been doing.  But I do feel stronger and more resilient.  Weird, I can't really put it into words to well.  But I think it does bode well for the future.  Thanks xx

[Gaining Strength]

I am so glad to read that you feel stronger and more resilient.  Such good news.

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp--
I just have this to offer, fwiw--

It's absolutely totally NORMAL to repeat patterns learned in childhood. Normal normal normal!

The great thing is that as you spot them, you can "set it on the table and back away slowly..."

Sure, it's aggravating to spot yourself tripping over the same log. But really, you're young, and you have lots of years of nimble dancing ahead. Eventually it'll just be "how you walk."

I believe you'll wind up just automatically steering past the familiar force fields with people that are toxic, and it won't be effortful to choose people and be drawn to them--who are wholesome and positive for you. Like any new positive thing, it just takes repeated exposure and practice.

That is does feel effortful and difficult now does not mean it won't become easier. It will!

That's all I wanted to say...I heard your discouragement.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I am so glad to read that you feel stronger and more resilient.  Such good news.

Thank you, GS

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp--
I just have this to offer, fwiw--

It's absolutely totally NORMAL to repeat patterns learned in childhood. Normal normal normal!

The great thing is that as you spot them, you can "set it on the table and back away slowly..."

Sure, it's aggravating to spot yourself tripping over the same log. But really, you're young, and you have lots of years of nimble dancing ahead. Eventually it'll just be "how you walk."

I believe you'll wind up just automatically steering past the familiar force fields with people that are toxic, and it won't be effortful to choose people and be drawn to them--who are wholesome and positive for you. Like any new positive thing, it just takes repeated exposure and practice.

That is does feel effortful and difficult now does not mean it won't become easier. It will!

That's all I wanted to say...I heard your discouragement.

love,
Hops

Thanks, Hops, I hear ya!  I know what you mean, it's just sometimes the enormity of it all still really gets me.  It was a bit like finding out someone had been cheating on me and I'd had absolutely no idea, you know?  Complete shock.  But it's fine, adjusting, settling down now.  All good.  Thank you

[Twoapenny]

Well I've had a very 'at home' week this week, I just needed (and still need) time to think and get myself together at the minute.

Something I have been thinking about is my need to be rescued from my life.  I seem to have spent my whole life trapped in situations that are made by other people, hoping and praying that someone will notice and come and lift me out of it.  I used to sit by the side of the road after my dad died (I was about , hoping to see his car come round the corner and find out it was all a bit mistake.  I feel a bit like I'm still doing that now.

I think what I need to do is to stop waiting for someone else to come and get me.  I want to try and develop myself creatively - through music, writing and books, and to spend time making my surroundings at home more pleasant and comfortable.  I also want to be a bit more laid back about money and to start spending it on paying people to help with the garden and jobs around the house, rather than trying (and failing) to do it all myself.  I really do need to rest more, but also have more fun and spend more time doing things I enjoy and find fulfilling.

My son is not doing too well at the minute and the response has been what I expected - one friend (who I do appreciate enormously) has offered to help out and has been checking in every day to see how we're doing, everyone else has run for the hills.  So I really want to focus now on building myself up, rather than hoping that other people will help plug some of the holes that are in me.

[Gaining Strength]

My thoughts are with you. I so know the feeling of looking and hoping for help to come. I hope you find the strength and courage to carry forward but I am also glad that you will rest as well. I think I'll share so more thoughts a bit later on.

[Twoapenny]

My thoughts are with you. I so know the feeling of looking and hoping for help to come. I hope you find the strength and courage to carry forward but I am also glad that you will rest as well. I think I'll share so more thoughts a bit later on.

Thanks, GS.  Just realised a typo in my post, the bit about my dad should have read that I was about 8, not sure how I managed to get a smiley face in there instead!

Nearly time for bed, and I've got through my first weekend of trying to focus on me and not fret about everyone else.  I haven't called anyone or been out anywhere, we've stayed home and I've been cleaning out cupboards and getting organised for next week.  Have rejigged my money a bit and freed up enough to get a gardener in to sort my overgrown jungle out and to pay a babysitter so I can go to a meditation class next week.  A couple of people texted wanting to come round but they fall into the 'don't do anything to help and only call when they want something' camp that I am trying to break away from now so I told them both we were busy.  Odd how it feels wrong of me not to be available but I want to stick to this and make some changes now.

[Hopalong]

I think what I need to do is to stop waiting for someone else to come and get me.

This is such a powerful realization, Tupp. I'm excited for you and inspired too.

I think you got it. I've been thinking/working on the same issues in my life.
I think I trained myself to experience despair at the idea of being alone, and now,
I'm intentionally re-embracing it. I've always loved solitude but over the years of
caretaking, I lost some of that joy. Now I'm working to delight in my own company again.

There's a difference between solitude with purpose and isolation.
I find the latter is an enemy, but embracing the former means when I do
"go forth" I find company more easily. Maybe it's because when I tend to my own
needs, I am subtly telegraphing something different in company, or about company.

Dunno if that makes sense but I like your sense of purpose about making
your life happier.

And I'm very very sorry your son is having a rough time. I know that means
you are too.

hugs
Hops