OMG, how much lower can they go?

[JustKathy]

My birthday month is just like Christmas. I start having migraines and panic attacks weeks ahead, knowing that in a few weeks the torment will begin. And it has, worse than EVER before.

A few days ago I received the expected guilt trip birthday card from my Co-F. The card includes a brief mention of my mother's cancer, then goes on to make it all about him .... he's old and frail and miserable and dying, and by the way, have a great birthday. He doesn't say the he loves me, doesn't ask to see me, just wants to guilt me. I threw the card and the $50 birthday check straight in the trash.

When they didn't get the reaction they wanted, they turned up the heat. BIG TIME.

This morning (on my birthday) my dental office called. This dentist has been treating me since I was a kid, so I consider him and his nurse to be family friends. The nurse (who knows my mother is whack) called to let me know that the hospice where my mother is staying contacted them to ask for my phone number so that my dying mother could reach me. Un-freaking-believable. It looks like NM's cancer is advancing, but she's definitely still calling the shots here. Phoning my dentist was lower than low. Having someone at the hospice do it, even lower. I'm sure she figured that the dentist would go soft on a hospice worker and breach doctor-patient confidentiality. Thankfully his nurse knows there is a conflict, shut it down, and immediately let us know about it.

I don't even know what to think at this point. Is NM down to her final days, and wants to lure me to her bedside so she can stick it to me one more time, or was getting to me on my birthday good enough. They still don't know if I'm even living in this house, and they don't know if I still see this dentist. They're just harassing everyone they can, so NM can have her way and die happy.

I just want to throw up. Seriously. What on earth will it take to stop this. Even if NM does die, it won't stop there. Co-F isn't going to back down. In fact, it may get worse once he ends up alone. There are a number of ways that I could respond, but I know that ANY response, even if not directly to them, will give her the victory she wants.

Just when you think they can't sink any lower .... what next?

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((JustKathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Hopalong]

I'm really sorry, Kathy.
It's terrible that the triggering is so powerful, even now.

Your own victory is coming. It'll just feel like peace.

love and comfort,
Hops

[JustKathy]

Well, I just got the following email from my sister. Keep in mind, my sister only ever emails me with messages from NM, and never replies to any personal messages that I send.

"Happy Belated Birthday. I am emailing you to let you know mum died last night at
9 pm. Cremation will be done later today. I will need to get your address for the trust/will.
I will give it only to the lawyer holding the documents."

I feel terrible even saying this, but I don't believe she's dead. I think she might be close to the end, and is still trying to solicit a response from me. There are so many things wrong with this email that I don't know where to start.

- My father-in-law passed away last month (in the same city), and they had to wait ten days for the cremation while they waited for the death certificate. Cremations just don't happen that quickly.
- What will? My father is still alive, so he retains his social security, pension, and their only remaining possessions, the house and the car. Plus, I was told repeatedly that I was disinherited.
- The email is completely devoid of emotion. Happy birthday, and btw, your mother died. If my Co-F really did lose his puppet master/Queen, he's curled up in a ball heavily sedated and screaming, not worrying about getting the address he already has.

No, this sounds like another attempt to get a response. I think she brought my sister into it because I always reply to my sister, then added the lure of an "inheritance" to get me to hit the reply key. I'm not replying.

And, on the odd chance that she really did die, all I can say is, best birthday present EVER.

[Lollie]

Hi, Kathy.

I don't think it's "terrible" of you for being suspicious after all you've been through. Is it possible to call your mother's hospice to get an update on her condition or any other way to confirm (other than responding to your FOO) that your mother did indeed die?

This is a horrible, horrible situation & I'm sorry you are going through this.

Lollie.

[JustKathy]

I actually asked my husband to call the hospice, but he was reluctant. His feeling was that, if she's still alive, they'll go into the room and tell them we called. I may ask him again, though truthfully, I'm not sure that I care. I know that sounds awful, but I just don't care. Knowing that she's dead would certainly give me a sense of peace, because it means she can't hurt me anymore, though I can't even been sure of that. I'm certain she wrote plenty of guilt letters and ordered my father to send them out posthumously. I certainly don't care about any will, though. Even if she had anything of value, and even if she did will it to me (which she would never do), I don't want it. If anything, she willed me a nasty note, or a ballpoint pen, or something that would "stick it to me" one final time. I want no part of that.

Being a textbook narcissist, I'm sure she wrote a heavily embellished obituary well in advance, so I can always search the local paper for that. Should provide some good comic relief, at the very least.

[fraidycat]

I'm so sorry Kathy,

They seem so desperate without their scapegoat. I hate that they can still get to you emotionally, defiantly check the obituaries, finding the truth is the best thing.

Fraidy
 

[Twoapenny]

Oh Kathy, this is exactly the sort of thing my lot used to pull and I agree with you, I think that's been written to pull you out of hiding and say - "Look!  She just wants the money".

We're all different, obviously, we all respond to these things in different ways but if I were in your shoes now I'd ignore, ignore, ignore.  So, so sorry they are doing this to you again.

Lots of love  ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[BonesMS]

Well, I just got the following email from my sister. Keep in mind, my sister only ever emails me with messages from NM, and never replies to any personal messages that I send.

"Happy Belated Birthday. I am emailing you to let you know mum died last night at
9 pm. Cremation will be done later today. I will need to get your address for the trust/will.
I will give it only to the lawyer holding the documents."

I feel terrible even saying this, but I don't believe she's dead. I think she might be close to the end, and is still trying to solicit a response from me. There are so many things wrong with this email that I don't know where to start.

- My father-in-law passed away last month (in the same city), and they had to wait ten days for the cremation while they waited for the death certificate. Cremations just don't happen that quickly.
- What will? My father is still alive, so he retains his social security, pension, and their only remaining possessions, the house and the car. Plus, I was told repeatedly that I was disinherited.
- The email is completely devoid of emotion. Happy birthday, and btw, your mother died. If my Co-F really did lose his puppet master/Queen, he's curled up in a ball heavily sedated and screaming, not worrying about getting the address he already has.

No, this sounds like another attempt to get a response. I think she brought my sister into it because I always reply to my sister, then added the lure of an "inheritance" to get me to hit the reply key. I'm not replying.

And, on the odd chance that she really did die, all I can say is, best birthday present EVER.

(((((((((((((((((((((JustKathy)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm getting the same feeling you are.  I smell a rat and it STINKS!!!!!!  I don't blame you for not replying.  This is just another of their dysfunctional ploys to try and flush you out so they can start attacking again.

Bones

[JustKathy]

DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!

It appears to be confirmed at this point. After 53 years of trying to ruin my birthday, she ended up giving me the best present of all. She freaking died on my birthday. Talk about poetic justice.
 
I found out this morning when I dropped by my dental office to talk to the nurse/friend who had fielded the original hospice call. She told me that my father had called her again yesterday to tell her and the dentist that NM had died. It looks like absolutely no one cares about her death, so he is desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who will give a crap and offer him sympathy. From what I can glean, only Co-F and my brainwashed sister were there at the end. As expected, the GC never showed, and my Aunt, who had been calling her a drama queen since this "four weeks to live" nonsense started, also didn't show. And of course, I didn't show. The last thing she saw was an empty room.

I really have to feel badly for hospice workers in cases like this. They know that when children are estranged from their parents there is a darned good reason for it, and they are left in the uncomfortable position of having to reach out on the dying person's request. My dental nurse said essentially the same thing to me this morning. Medical professionals know that children don't become estranged from parents without good reason, and that reason is almost always abuse.

As for my sister's email, I think the best response is no response. California is a "right of survivorship" state, meaning that my father retains all money and possessions. They had a joint will, and it was made clear that I'm not in it. Even if I were, they don't have anything that I want.

I wish I could celebrate the end of this nightmare, but I know it's not over. Co-F will continue to send guilt letters, and even if that stops, nothing can repair the emotional damage that these people inflicted over the years. I'll always be damaged goods. But at least I'll never receive another nasty note as a Christmas gift ever again. EVER.

HA! 

[Twoapenny]

Oh Kathy, I understand completely how you feel and what you are saying, I was told a while ago that my mum was seriously ill and my first thought was relief that she might actually be gone for good.

I am just so sorry you are in this situation and probably going through all sorts of thoughts and emotions at the minute.  Thinking of you and sending love (of the healthy and unconditional variety!) xxx

[JustKathy]

Thanks Tup. You know, I thought when this day finally came that I would be overcome with mixed up emotions, but that hasn't happened. All I have felt is extreme relief, almost delight, in knowing that she's GONE from the face of the earth.

I probably feel like I do because she cried wolf for too many years leading up to this. I was first told about four years ago that she had an inoperable tumor on her heart, and had only a month to live. At that time, I was overcome with emotions, but months passed, then years, and it became clear that even if she DID have cancer, her prognosis was far better than she was letting on. She played the whole thing for attention, extreme theatrics, posting all over Internet chat boards that she was dying, the whole time looking and feeling fine. It reached a point where every time I received a letter from Co-F saying that she was dying and didn't have much time left, I shrugged it off and said, "Oh brother, not THAT again." When her time finally came, I was so burned out from all the drama that I just didn't care. Others in the family apparently started feeling the same way. People were just sick of the drama.

I've heard this same story from other people who have parents with NPD or other personality disorders. The person fakes an illness for so long, that when they finally do get sick, no one believes them, and they die alone. NM got the ending she deserved. Not a single tear will be shed.

I am a little stressed over what will come next. I know Co-F won't back down and will continue to try and guilt me. But the fact remains that the main event was NM's death, and neither one of them succeeded in getting a response from me. She died without the satisfaction of knowing she had gotten to me, so no matter how much Co-F guilts me from here on forward, the victory will always be mine. That's how I'm trying to look at it anyway.

Kathy

[BonesMS]

DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!

It appears to be confirmed at this point. After 53 years of trying to ruin my birthday, she ended up giving me the best present of all. She freaking died on my birthday. Talk about poetic justice.
 
I found out this morning when I dropped by my dental office to talk to the nurse/friend who had fielded the original hospice call. She told me that my father had called her again yesterday to tell her and the dentist that NM had died. It looks like absolutely no one cares about her death, so he is desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who will give a crap and offer him sympathy. From what I can glean, only Co-F and my brainwashed sister were there at the end. As expected, the GC never showed, and my Aunt, who had been calling her a drama queen since this "four weeks to live" nonsense started, also didn't show. And of course, I didn't show. The last thing she saw was an empty room.

I really have to feel badly for hospice workers in cases like this. They know that when children are estranged from their parents there is a darned good reason for it, and they are left in the uncomfortable position of having to reach out on the dying person's request. My dental nurse said essentially the same thing to me this morning. Medical professionals know that children don't become estranged from parents without good reason, and that reason is almost always abuse.

As for my sister's email, I think the best response is no response. California is a "right of survivorship" state, meaning that my father retains all money and possessions. They had a joint will, and it was made clear that I'm not in it. Even if I were, they don't have anything that I want.

I wish I could celebrate the end of this nightmare, but I know it's not over. Co-F will continue to send guilt letters, and even if that stops, nothing can repair the emotional damage that these people inflicted over the years. I'll always be damaged goods. But at least I'll never receive another nasty note as a Christmas gift ever again. EVER.

HA! 

I hear ya, (((((((((((((((((((JustKathy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) and I don't blame you one bit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Twoapenny]

Thanks Tup. You know, I thought when this day finally came that I would be overcome with mixed up emotions, but that hasn't happened. All I have felt is extreme relief, almost delight, in knowing that she's GONE from the face of the earth.

I probably feel like I do because she cried wolf for too many years leading up to this. I was first told about four years ago that she had an inoperable tumor on her heart, and had only a month to live. At that time, I was overcome with emotions, but months passed, then years, and it became clear that even if she DID have cancer, her prognosis was far better than she was letting on. She played the whole thing for attention, extreme theatrics, posting all over Internet chat boards that she was dying, the whole time looking and feeling fine. It reached a point where every time I received a letter from Co-F saying that she was dying and didn't have much time left, I shrugged it off and said, "Oh brother, not THAT again." When her time finally came, I was so burned out from all the drama that I just didn't care. Others in the family apparently started feeling the same way. People were just sick of the drama.

I've heard this same story from other people who have parents with NPD or other personality disorders. The person fakes an illness for so long, that when they finally do get sick, no one believes them, and they die alone. NM got the ending she deserved. Not a single tear will be shed.

I am a little stressed over what will come next. I know Co-F won't back down and will continue to try and guilt me. But the fact remains that the main event was NM's death, and neither one of them succeeded in getting a response from me. She died without the satisfaction of knowing she had gotten to me, so no matter how much Co-F guilts me from here on forward, the victory will always be mine. That's how I'm trying to look at it anyway.

Kathy

I do know what you mean, Kathy.  People have asked me if I'll feel regret that I didn't make it up with my mum before she dies and the truth is my mum died a long time ago.  I grieved for the mother I never had, for the mean, hateful, deceitful things she did to me, for the abuse I endured because of her and for the fact that no-one ever loved me as I was.  It took me so many years to get some way past the feelings, tumbling as they do with no sense or order to them (and I'm still not there yet).  I just hope that your dad leaves you in peace now (but understand you know that probably won't be the case).  But I hope life becomes more peaceful for you soon xx

[JustKathy]

People have asked me if I'll feel regret that I didn't make it up with my mum before she dies and the truth is my mum died a long time ago.

Exactly! So perfectly said.

Lighter, I think you may have me confused for someone else. No new baby here (I'm way past that age). Just pets, though they are my babies.