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Explanation

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sKePTiKal:
My plantings used to be so extensive, and artistically (!?) jumbled... that I had to make maps, of what was where. It did help me from digging up the bulbs and bi-ennials... as I ran of out of space.

Parental Alienation... that's the official term I was trying to think of. But it's effects are way more complex than that sounds, in some kids.

LOL... I realized... I've been telling almost everyone I come in contact with, what we've all been through. My massage sensei, grew up in a foster home... and that's where she was visiting, when I scheduled. Everyone I confide in has their OWN STORY about something similar... so much so, that I'm starting to realize that it would be a lovely, refreshing thing to be able to talk openly about the variations of child abuse... casually... without all the "shock and awe"... one-upsmanship competition (my mom was worse than your mom)...

sorta like how menopause became more "socially acceptable" in conversation, you know? De-stigmatize it. Make it a month's study plan in all those "family life" classes in High School (do they still do those? How come balancing a checkbook isn't part of that?) So that kids will KNOW what this is, and why it's "bad"... and learn that life doesn't HAVE TO BE THIS WAY? If only they'd talk, say what happens, tell someone.

I'm starting to feel like H and I have done ENOUGH; that what we've accomplished - getting the boys to talk, tell their stories, get them in better homes where they're safe(er), and even "introductory level" counselling... is enough for the boys to realize that they DO MATTER, what happened to them matters to adults who CARE, and that what happened to them was bad -- but it doesn't mean that THEY are bad. If Twigs had had this... and the ability to break that sworn silence on "family secrets" that was nobody else's business, according to Mom... things might've been very different in my life. (Not that I think it was all that horrible... looking at the whole timeline. And comparatively, the boys have been through much worse.)

H is still having nightmares. Of course, she's still speaking to A and slowly beginning to see why I've gone NC for the time being. You simply can not speak or have the same expectations of an irrational person, as you would a rational one. Until; IF; A is able to understand that other people are really people too - with feelings, and thoughts that are beyond her ability to control and twist around - talking to A is an exercise in futility for me - it's the old pretzel dance: twist around, upside-down and inside-out until black is white and it's spinning so fast all one sees is fuzzy and gray. It is dangerous for me to "go there"... and it's a distraction for H with other dangers, too.

H is also upset at the lack of information/communication with DSS. I've explained that things move more slowly there; to give them space and some time. Pointed out, that there's no machine they run a test on the boys with, to instantly spit out a comprehensive diagnosis and treatment plan. This is going to take time, too. It's important not to rush it... and risk missing something really important. Heck, it took 8 days to figure out what was wrong with her car -- and the check engine light is still coming on -- so there must be yet one more thing that needs to be addressed (16 days, total, now and 2 different shops).

I've also suggested she "check her assumptions". By herself, she believes that it's possible to erase - and make like it never happened - what the boys have already experienced in life. Practically speaking, she knows she's going to need tons of help, to "make it so". But it's that desire - wish - that's getting in the way of her realizing that what happened; HAPPENED - and it's now part of who the boys are. Yes, they're young enough that getting help now, will have the best possible effects on helping them "catch up" developmentally and up to a normal maturity level for their age cohort. The fact that someone ELSE is providing that - and not her - is just fine... and in fact, may actually be BETTER for the boys in the long run.

I think she's avoiding the part that is her job (right now), which is making the time to talk to her fiance/hubby, talk all the way around everything... without making a decision about whether they are able to take on this responsibility, ultimately. Leave the decision part, for later. And to also research for herself (not just pick mom's brain) about what kids who've grown up like this might be like, what they need, how people do actually help kids like this. In the process, I think she'll see where she keeps crossing the line from caring - to being over-responsible, a caretaker... while throwing herself under the bus and then bleeding all over everyone - which in my experience, just makes it all so much worse. Everyone around her, is trying to help her realize that she's throwing herself under the bus -- all by herself -- and she DOESN'T HAVE TO; it doesn't automatically make things better. But that's her instinct... has been for a long, long time. I used to have to explain to her, that stray cats or dogs may turn on you and bite. (Two-legged ones, too.)

I guess I'm rehearsing what I'm going to write to her and her fiance and enclose with my Alan Schore white papers on attachment theory. H absolutely can not do what she wants to do, alone. And I don't believe she needs to be throwing her relationship - or herself - under the bus, to be a good person trying to do the best she can for those kids. What we've already done - as much as humanly possible under the circumstances - just might be ENOUGH. For now.

lighter:
sKep:

That all made sense.  I hope H can hear you.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
LOL... I just did a copy/paste of what I just wrote to start editing the letter.

H hears me loud & clear - even when she disagrees. She was the rare teenager, and now adult, that wants to know what everyone else thinks, their experiences and epiphanies, and she'll absorb it.... go away and digest it... and then do her own thinking, make her own opinions. We allowed her the space to do this - after "Phase I" of living with A and Dad - and it was very helpful to her... and became one of her inner strengths. She still had the usual stumbles after that... but she was mature enough and strong enough... to take on her sister again... and again... and again... trying to do the "right thing" - even when it was like trying to drag A, kicking and screaming obscenities and awfully mean things, toward the goal of "growing up".

Until I told her, that is, that she couldn't live A's life for her -- and that after all of what she'd already sacrificed, I wanted H to have her OWN life. Guess I need to say that again, too.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, Lighter. Honestly, I feel pretty clear. The massage helped, even if I still hurt in every muscle and tendon on the left side - it's looser. And I'm not over-compensating as much on the right side. TIME... I think, is under-rated, as a healing agent... even if we have so many cliches about it. Distance, also - as in boundaries. I still didn't get everything "right" this go-round, but I got enough of it right... that I think the lessons are gonna "stick" and I don't have to anxiously bird-dog myself so much, any more.

PHEW!!!   lol....

JustKathy:
Just so everyone knows, a google search of our user names does produce hits to our posts on this board. That's why I changed my user name to "JustKathy" after so many years on the board. My original username was a common moniker that I use. It matched my email address, eBay seller ID, Etsy seller ID, and several other groups that I belong to. One day I googled the name to see what NM would find if she did the same, and it did show some hits to activity on this board.

I just now ran a google search on "JustKathy," and this showed up on page 4 of the search:

Recent Posts
www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?action=recent
Started by JustKathy - Last post by JustKathy. Unfortunately, they'll never give up. The more I try to be NC, the more they stalk me and do whatever they can to ...

So yes, someone who is searching your online activity might get some info since google includes the first few words of your post. Whatever name you use here, make sure it is very unique and unlike any other name you use elsewhere online. I don't believe they can come to this board and read an entire thread without logging in, but they CAN trace us here if they know our user name.

sKePTiKal:
Isn't it just absurd, beyond the pale even... that we have to think this way? (It's not paranoid to want to protect your privacy, in my book!)

I have more usernames and passwords than I can even keep track of. So I have to break the first rule of online security - I have to write them down. I hadn't changed my ID here for years, so really from my inner perspective - it was time anyway.

Been trying to put in 3-4 hours a day, working outside (and so the inside is a wreck)... getting caught up with projects and jobs that got put on hold. It's pollen season now, we wash outdoor furniture (or keep it covered) and cars on a daily basis; it blows around in clouds like snow... it's that thick here. If I drive the mile to the ocean - there are no trees; and a lot less pollen. But I'd really like to get at least some of my beds in and planted for this summer's crops... even if it's not a lot, it's something. The fruits and veg's in all the stores... well, the quality doesn't seem as good lately - for whatever reason. Hubs had a really helpful idea this morning - something that'll make the work easier, in the long run. I think I'll keep him around - LOL.

And for whatever reason, all the personal upheaval I've been going through, is breaking apart some my life-long habits about food now... albeit SLOWLY... but that's OK, it IS changing.

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