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Explanation

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lighter:
How are you guys doing, sKeptiKal?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Better, Lighter; thanks!

I got outside to clean up a side yard yesterday after talking to H. She's still in contact with her sis... who had supervised visits with the boys yesterday. They are separated, for now. H has been working a lot since getting home. A master-procrastinator, she hasn't had any talks with her sweetie or done any research yet... which under the circumstances, right now, isn't that big a deal. Both of them, really need some "normal" - they were dealing with boys or the sis' situation all last month - did the same thing I did; drop everything to deal with crisis... and so they need some time "off".

A has to come back up here for her court date on Wed. It will be interesting to see what happens, since she is an out of state resident. If she'd been in-state, I know the penalty would be high... one reason I like this place, is that the values are pretty traditional; old-fashioned. But I'm keeping my distance - she can call H and H can fill me in. We have talked about how A "interprets" things in weird ways... and they had a conversation about a topic we've talked about, from time to time...

A had said, that perception is the very same thing as reality...
H said, no - perception can be very different than reality... that's why I sometimes second-guess myself so much...
and A insisted that perception = reality.

H and I talked about that; somewhere recently I've read that a measure of sanity-insanity depends on how closely perception matches or is congruent with commonly-accepted "reality". (yeah, I know it's not quite that simple...) But, I've been through the discrepency (sp?) phase myself - where I thought I was so awful, that I wasn't fit for human "consumption" and didn't deserve to breathe... and that didn't match up with feedback I got from other people. Twisted beliefs, based on my warped relationship with my mom...

so my thoughts naturally go to my relationship with A... and what, if anything, I might've done "wrong" or missed or ?? But honestly, I can't put my finger on anything. All I know is that when A was in 4th grade, she changed drastically. I don't have many clues as to why. She was in a very good school, and when she stopped doing her homework, was tested. It wasn't that she couldn't do math - on the contrary, the level taught in the classroom was boring, because she was capable of doing a couple grades higher work.  The recommendation, was that perhaps she was resorting to negative ways to obtain attention... so we paid attention to her, and helped her find something she excelled at (without pushing). That turned out to be piano and music. Gifted kid played 20 different instruments and could pick up anything and make it sound good immediately.

But, she had the same rules as the 3 other kids... same chores... etc. Even then, she started to demonstrate that she believed that since she was "special" in some way, that she felt she didn't have to abide by the rules and it escalated to extremes, in a big hurry. She couldn't manipulate me or ex #2... so she worked up a situation, to get to live with her Dad (ex #1) who told the girls awful things about me - that I denied, and explained when I heard about them... reminded them of what our lives together had been like... and then she proceeded to wrap Dad around her little finger... and get away with all kinds of things, while H pulled her butt out of the fire, covered for her... and took the blame, most times.

One thing I hadn't considered before, that comes up above... is that "brainwashing" technique that some divorced parents indulge in. Like my mom about my Dad. And how that does impact "perception"... one's inner interpretation of reality and even self-worth. Something to chew on for a bit... and toss around with H. That could possibly be a way through some of the "delusions"... to reach the real A. I can't remember what it's called; maybe it'll come to me after a bit...

and I've decided to send H my research papers on attachment theory. She's real interested from the one boy's perspective and "issues". And I do think this has something to do with certain symptoms.

How come humans don't come with their own manuals?? LOL.

lighter:
sKep:

When I went through the divorce course, it was stressed that children internalize their parents into their own identities.  In other words, children are 50% mom and50% dad, and they see themselves as good or bad, according to how the perceive their parents.   I'm sure there's an easier way to put that, but it became clear I would be presenting a very sanitized age appropriate version of who the children's father really was...... ill, but otherwise lovely, talented and good, stressing the positives, and leaving out the negatives until they were grown and ready to deal with other age appropriate truths.

Maybe your ex1 tweaked A's image of you, and herself, with his sabotage?

Bastager.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
In a nutshell, yes, Lighter.

In reality, it's a lot more complicated than that... at least, it was when I was going through it, as a kid. I haven't really pondered it much yet. Yesterday, finished up the part of a bed I started on Sat. Now on to the visible front of the house! (AFTER my massage - so it might be tomorrow). Then I have to "order" phase 2 of our storm shutters and truckloads of topsoil & mulch... and put my fancy-pants raised beds together for my veggie gardens.

We've had an extremely cool spring so far, and while that means I can get out & work sans bugs & snakes, the pollen is just starting. It can be so thick here, it blows in clouds like snow or fog. And of course, the Natl. Hurricane Center is predicting higher than average numbers of storms this year... with higher than average mid-atlantic landfall. LOL! I wonder, if they've ever subjected their models to control for "normalcy bias"? (We had storms last year, so "logically" we should anticipate as many or more this year...) It's kinda funny...

The problem with Ex #1... and what A might've absorbed & identified her "self" with... is the fact that he projected a whole lot of stuff, while finding some heinous ways of absolving himself of responsibility/accountability. My favorite one, is that due to the fact that he was "saved", he could smoke pot... and it was just fine... because he had a "get out of jail free" card, because he was saved. No matter ones' religious beliefs... none of them works this way, do they?

lighter:
sKep:

I'm glad to read you're preparing raised beds, and going through the spring ablutions.

I'm about to wash the dog, his kennel, and all his bedding.... the sun feels good.  My oldest climbed a tree yesterday... it was like the official end of winter for us.

I'm also waiting to see what bulbs pop up in planters I tend at childrens' school..... I can't quite remember what I put where, as my neighbor handed off big clumps of many different things, and I was planting my heart out in a rush there for a while.  Kind of exciting to be surprised.

I can't wait to get my hands on potato vines... they flow out of pots so prettily.  And the Creeping Jenny.  I planted lots last year, and it should be lovely.

I'm glad you're feeling better, A. 

I'm having a good week to, all considered: )

Lighter

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