My Suspicious Mind

[Twoapenny]

Mmm my suspicious mind is working overtime.

I have infrequent contact, via letter, with two of my aunts (my mums sisters).  This started up again a couple of years ago after a period of around 4 years no contact - my decision to go no contact and mine to contact them again.  When I contacted them again I explained all about the abuse (both as a child and as an adult).  Neither were interested and contact resumed where it had left off - basically Christmas and birthday cards, which is fine be me, the opportunity was there for our relationship to change and it didn't so I'm happy to continue as we have been.  I did mention a while ago that my aunt had contacted me about my mum being ill which threw me a bit.

Anyway I've had an email from one of these aunts.  This in itself threw me a bit, she's had the email address for years and never used it.  When we went NC I didn't actually say I didn't want to speak to them, just that I was moving and didn't want my mum to know my new address so wouldn't be giving it to them as I didn't want them to have to be involved in all the drama.  So they could have contacted me via email if they'd wanted to but didn't, which was fine (probably best, a break from the whole family was good).  So I'm not quite sure why this switch from letter to email has bothered me but it has.

The email itself is very nice and friendly but she mentions two things that bother me.  The first is that my mum knows about a recent hospital admission that I had and that she is very worried about me.  Now the worried bit is bollocks, when I was in hospital years ago all she went on about was how difficult it was for her to find the time to visit and I was suicidal on two occasions when she decided the best thing to do was to go on holiday because it was all a bit too stressful for her.  What I'm really bothered about is how she knows; not many people knew about it (and none of the ones that do speak to my mum or anyone else in the family) and I'm not on Facebook or anything like that so I don't know how she found out (I am feeling like I can't tell anyone anything again and I don't like that).  She also told me that my sister is having another baby, which I had heard on the grapevine and mentioned how difficult her pregnancy has been.  I'm not the slightest bit interested, I've nothing against her kids and if they want to get in touch with me as adults that's fine but as far as I'm concerned the whole family is toxic and I want nothing to do with them.  My sister has made no attempt to contact me or my son for years and the last time we had any sort of conversation she made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with me.

The whole thing has left me feeling very uneasy.  I'm thinking of just ignoring it.  She'd never know whether or not I got the message anyway so the delete button is looking tempting.  I'd be interested to know what others think.

Thank you!  Tup xx

[lighter]

The whole thing has left me feeling very uneasy.  I'm thinking of just ignoring it.  She'd never know whether or not I got the message anyway so the delete button is looking tempting.  I'd be interested to know what others think.

Thank you!  Tup xx

I think someone could have told someone who told someone who knows your mother about your recent hospital visit.  Things get to the grocer, to the mailman, to the bugspray guy, kwim?

I don't think your mother is having you followed, or paying someone to spy on you, but if you have that creepy feeling she might be.....

and she has the funds and drive to DO that, which she absolutely may.....

what does that mean to you?

Would it change the way you're living day to day?  Do you care, really?

On the face of it, I'm sorry this e-mail has you riled up.  You didn't need to put down what you were doing, self reflection with improving your social life.  THAT was a grand thing for you to be doing.  Now your attention's turned to......

what is this?

Is it worth continued contact with the Aunts?

Do you think giving up all contact would be helpful, harmful, or neither?

I don't know, but I hate to see you upset like this.  You were focused on Tupp, and now you're focused on your Aunt's and mother again.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

Yes I know what you mean.  I don't think she's having me followed or anything weird like that, it's just that element of gossip - not many people knew and hospital is private, you know?  So someone I trust told someone else, who told someone else and so on.  I feel happier with her out of my life completely - no mention of her, no knowledge of what she's doing, how she is - invisible, she doesn't exist.  She's not my mum now, that bond went a long time ago.  I don't want her to know what's going on in my life, good or bad.  So perhaps ......... I need to tell my aunt I don't want to hear about anyone else in the family.  Or stop all contact again.  That feels a bit like she's won - she's isolated me from everyone, you know.  And you're right, things were going well focusing on me.  So maybe ..................... just focus on me and forget about this anyway?  No response, no more thought, it never happened.  What email   Thank you xx

[Hopalong]

I like the just abiding with silence and abiding with not heeding an impulse to reply.

It's like..."oh."

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I like the just abiding with silence and abiding with not heeding an impulse to reply.

It's like..."oh."

love,
Hops

Ha ha   I'd forgotten about "oh"!  I like "oh".  I deleted the email last night.  The entire family have learnt the art of ignoring what's going on under their noses.  It's about time I picked up the family tradition - where they are concerned, at least   Thank you xx

[JustKathy]

Wow Tup, this reminds me so much of my sister's behaviour. She'd go years without emailing me, then I'd hear from her out of the blue, asking questions about something that I never told her about. I always suspected they were fishing expeditions orchestrated by NM. Since I was NC with my mum, and Co-Father didn't use email, she'd use my sister to try and get information out of me. In most cases, I don't think S was even aware that she was being used. I hadn't received an email from her in over three years, and was beginning to think she had lost my email address, but poof, I got one the day after NM died asking me for my address for the "will." Again, it was a blatant attempt at tricking me into giving out information, this time for Co-F.

Does your mother have a normal relationship with these aunts? If so, it sounds like the same thing might be going on here. Your mum somehow heard the news about your hospital stay and needed someone to confirm it for her. She couldn't ask you, so told your aunt that she was "worried" about you, and got her to send the email. I'm guessing that, had you replied, it would have immediately been forwarded to your NM, so you were wise to ignore it.

You had good reason to feel uneasy about it, and were smart to just delete it. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't get a follow-up email in a few weeks when the first one goes unanswered. Unfortunately, If Ns don't get what they want the first time, it only makes them angry and more determined. Let her try. People change email addresses all the time, so for all your Aunt knows, she has the wrong address. After all, it's been years. "Email? What email? I never got it."

[Twoapenny]

Yes I completely agree, Kathy, I thought of you when I got the mail and all the sneaking around your lot have done (I hope things have been quiet for you on that front?).

It's another part of the learning process for me - my old response, which is to jump to attention immediately, do whatever it takes to make everyone else comfortable and happy and, above all, not be thought of as unkind, unpleasant, mean etc.  When that happens now another bit of my brain shouts "No, wait, don't do that!".  And I've not learnt an appropriate new response yet, one that is right for me and it's that bit that throws me now, having to think about what to do and how to handle it.  That's one of the reasons I find the board so useful, having other people in similar situations to bounce things off.  Doing what suits me best is still new ground for me.  Bottom line, whatever the ins and outs of the situation, they're all bloody mad and happy to have a child molester in their midst.  So birthday and Christmas cards with the aunts is fine but nothing more.  Message deleted, another lesson learnt/practised, another step closer to healthy reactions being instinctive and not having to worry about things.  Thank you for your message, I hope things are okay with you? xx

[Twoapenny]

I've been thinking about why this bothered me so much and I realised that there are still loose ends to tie up re all the false accusations my mum and sister have made over the years.  I realised that there is still a weak spot there that needs to be filled with some more paperwork and letter writing on my part, so I have got cracking on the last few bits and feel happier about it already - it's nothing major which is why I'd sort of left it but it's obviously bothering me a bit so hopefully another week or so and that little hole will be plugged up

[Hopalong]

Cool!
It's like, in doing that documenting, you are literally repairing a torn hole in your own boundaries,
your own proper sense of self. Strengthening it.

Good for you, Tupp.

By the way, you are so INTELLIGENT.

I fantasize that further education could be a big thing in your life. You could do anything.

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Hopsie!  It is making things come up, I'm struggling a little at the moment.  But what's interesting is that when things come up now they come up alongside my 'normal' life instead of taking it over.  I can get on with my day to day stuff whilst thinking about how things are making me feel.  I also feel a desire now to get to the bottom of my feelings instead of running away from them.  Have been re-reading A Fine Romance, thank you for reminding me of it.  My current mantras are "oh" and "don't take it personally"   Thank you xx

[Twoapenny]

Following on from this, I have been wading through paperwork and tying up loose ends.  It has struck me that a lot of the emotion attached to this has gone - worked through, I hope!  I feel more like someone getting on with a job now than someone who has been abused, humiliated and betrayed struggling to make sense of it all.  I am feeling quite 'sensitive' at the moment but it's manageable and it's not interfering with things I need to do.  I am feeling like the end is in sight