Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I'm not surprised, but still...
Worn:
It's been a long time since I have posted here. Life has been very 'interesting' for the last few years. I guess stressful would be a better word.
I have been having health problems for years now. In January I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I had to drop out of my last semester of college due to disabling fatigue/muscle weakness. Many days I barely have the energy to sit in front of the computer for more than a few minutes at a time. Just the exertion of holding my body upright causes my torso muscles to spasm and tremble with weakness. It sucks, but hopefully it will get better. With MS it's pretty much all an unknown.
So, obviously, this has been a huge upset in my life. And I have gotten as good as nothing from my n-mom. I have come to a point where I no longer expect her to react like a normal human being that cares about her daughter. But I guess I still hoped that something big like this might trigger something 'motherly' in her. That she might call and ask how I'm doing even once. That she might offer any kind of comfort to me. That she might say, 'I'm sorry this is happening to you.' But no, nothing.
She has only brought up money issues and disappointment that I won't be graduating in May. I'm guessing she told people I was graduating and that I am embarrassing her by not doing so right now. I have talked with her about 3 times since January. Well, that last part is actually a positive. Interacting with her only causes me stress and stress makes MS worse so, 'Thanks Mom!'
I can't help but imagine sometimes what it would be like to have a mother that is a comfort to me. Someone that is on my side and is rooting for me to succeed. I want that so bad. It really hurts. I think that it would be better if I had no mother at all.
Hopalong:
Oh, Worn.
My heart just heaved a huge sigh for you.
I am so very very sorry.
For what it's worth, a mother in cyberspace cares.
I hope you find love and hope and peace and make meaning and joy in your life sort of
DAMNIT, DESPITE IT ALL.
(And I believe you can.)
Build yourself a PHamily, hon. You deserve it, and the world is full of warm,
compassionate people who will want to be with you. Seek them out and
never, ever stop.
love
Hops
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Worn on May 01, 2013, 12:33:29 PM ---It's been a long time since I have posted here. Life has been very 'interesting' for the last few years. I guess stressful would be a better word.
I have been having health problems for years now. In January I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I had to drop out of my last semester of college due to disabling fatigue/muscle weakness. Many days I barely have the energy to sit in front of the computer for more than a few minutes at a time. Just the exertion of holding my body upright causes my torso muscles to spasm and tremble with weakness. It sucks, but hopefully it will get better. With MS it's pretty much all an unknown.
So, obviously, this has been a huge upset in my life. And I have gotten as good as nothing from my n-mom. I have come to a point where I no longer expect her to react like a normal human being that cares about her daughter. But I guess I still hoped that something big like this might trigger something 'motherly' in her. That she might call and ask how I'm doing even once. That she might offer any kind of comfort to me. That she might say, 'I'm sorry this is happening to you.' But no, nothing.
She has only brought up money issues and disappointment that I won't be graduating in May. I'm guessing she told people I was graduating and that I am embarrassing her by not doing so right now. I have talked with her about 3 times since January. Well, that last part is actually a positive. Interacting with her only causes me stress and stress makes MS worse so, 'Thanks Mom!'
I can't help but imagine sometimes what it would be like to have a mother that is a comfort to me. Someone that is on my side and is rooting for me to succeed. I want that so bad. It really hurts. I think that it would be better if I had no mother at all.
--- End quote ---
((((((((((((((((((((((Worn))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
lighter:
I'm sorry things are so hard, Worn.
(((()))))
Lighter
Worn:
Thank you so much for your caring and support! I've tried to reply here a couple times and I keep getting overwhelmed with emotion and have to stop. It really does mean so much to me.
Unfortunately I have so isolated myself over the years that I don't really have any close friends. Luckily I have a dear sister that is 100% in my corner and is a rock for me. She has a family of her own to worry about though. I have dropped friends that I have realized are Ns and I am left with only acquaintances. I don't trust myself to find people that are not Ns to be friends with. Or if I do realize that they would be good friends I find I am uninterested or uncomfortable or even bored with continuing a friendship. I think sometimes that my 'normal' people finder is broken. That the real give and take of genuine friendship is so alien to me that I can't do it. The take part. I can give till I have nothing left and have done so before. I am tempted to make contact with old N friends again. Just for that little bit that I do get from them. I know deep down that that is a horrible idea though.
I am so lonely. Fortunately I have my dogs. But it just isn't the same as human interaction. My T has been trying for several years to get me to start being active in something, anything, so that I can meet people. So far she hasn't been successful. Meeting people is terrifying for me. Putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable. It all sounds like torture to me. I know I need to though. I like people. I get along well with many different kinds of people. But putting my genuine self out there in order to make a true friend is so scary. I know from experience that rejection can flatten me.
But I want to be surrounded by warm, caring people so badly. I need to find a way to make that happen.
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