When my Nmom was alive, Mother's Day was pretty easy, since I was such a good Cinderella.
I fussed over her, bought her cards and usually a lovely plant. She enjoyed it, it was simple.
Now that my only child (and only family) is estranged, Mother's Day is excruciating. It's taken
me a week to retrieve my emotional balance. But I know what the answer is. I need to treat
ALL of those "trigger" days as I would a scheduled surgery...and have a PLAN in place to
prevent my being alone with the waves of sorrow. I did that very effectively with my bday/
housewarming party (I guess that'll have to be an annual event...I won't announce my bday
but will have a party near that day every year, I think--it's a lovely time of year to gather).
And this year, I had no plan for Mothers' Day. Though I resent the imposition on the culture
I know that many, many other mothers are alone, or neglected, or stuck in a nursing home
without family, etc. Whether it's volunteering or something else to occupy my mind, I don't
want to go through another one like this. It hit me harder this time because it was my 2nd
Mother's Day without a word from her. I knew she would not be in touch, but knowing what
to expect didn't make it easier. So...I spent the day alone. Just fending off the pain. Later
in the day I texted a friend to invite her to watch a show we often watch together, and she
came, so that was nice. We didn't mention it (she avoids the subject out of care for me, and
she's not one to talk about "deep feeling" stuff anyway) -- but it helped a lot.
Still, I realized that if I hadn't reached out to her, I would not have seen anyone. I can't
bear to go to church that day and sit among all the doting parent-child combinations.
I have found a few forums online specifically for the parents of estranged adult children.
This generation, it is a "silent epidemic" and people exhaust themselves analysing how
this happened. Many own up, up front, to their own failings and flaws and mistakes.
But most just express deep shock, that so many young adults have made that choice,
in situations where there was no abuse, only good intentions from imperfect people.
I have healed a good deal, but I think Mday hit me harder this year because it was a
confirmation that she didn't just need "a year off" from contact, to heal and calm and
get new perspective...she really has "divorced" me. (She announced to the counselor
we went to, "I want to divorce my mother." The counselor asked her, "Do you want
to hurt your mother?" and D said, "Yes, I am very angry and bitter.") That was over
two years ago and all I know is, she meant it.
I can pray (agnostically) and send her "white light" and I light a candle for her every
time I am in church, just saying silently "Please take care of D..." and hope the universe hears.
The online forums are kind of a comfort, though hearing from people whose children
walked away from them for many, many years...is hard. But letting go of hope and
staying busy, and focusing on my own life, is the only thing I can do.
I am determined to find happiness and meaning in my life, even with this loss.
Mothers' Day does not help. But I will make alternate plans for that day going forward.
love,
Hops
