I'm not surprised, but still...

[Worn]

It's been a long time since I have posted here.  Life has been very 'interesting' for the last few years.  I guess stressful would be a better word.

I have been having health problems for years now.  In January I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  I had to drop out of my last semester of college due to disabling fatigue/muscle weakness.  Many days I barely have the energy to sit in front of the computer for more than a few minutes at a time.  Just the exertion of holding my body upright causes my torso muscles to spasm and tremble with weakness.  It sucks, but hopefully it will get better.  With MS it's pretty much all an unknown.

So, obviously, this has been a huge upset in my life.  And I have gotten as good as nothing from my n-mom.  I have come to a point where I no longer expect her to react like a normal human being that cares about her daughter.  But I guess I still hoped that something big like this might trigger something 'motherly' in her.  That she might call and ask how I'm doing even once.  That she might offer any kind of comfort to me.  That she might say, 'I'm sorry this is happening to you.'  But no, nothing. 

She has only brought up money issues and disappointment that I won't be graduating in May.  I'm guessing she told people I was graduating and that I am embarrassing her by not doing so right now.  I have talked with her about 3 times since January.  Well, that last part is actually a positive.  Interacting with her only causes me stress and stress makes MS worse so, 'Thanks Mom!' 

I can't help but imagine sometimes what it would be like to have a mother that is a comfort to me.  Someone that is on my side and is rooting for me to succeed.  I want that so bad.  It really hurts.  I think that it would be better if I had no mother at all.

[Hopalong]

Oh, Worn.
My heart just heaved a huge sigh for you.
I am so very very sorry.

For what it's worth, a mother in cyberspace cares.

I hope you find love and hope and peace and make meaning and joy in your life sort of
DAMNIT, DESPITE IT ALL.

(And I believe you can.)

Build yourself a PHamily, hon. You deserve it, and the world is full of warm,
compassionate people who will want to be with you. Seek them out and
never, ever stop.

love
Hops

[BonesMS]

It's been a long time since I have posted here.  Life has been very 'interesting' for the last few years.  I guess stressful would be a better word.

I have been having health problems for years now.  In January I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  I had to drop out of my last semester of college due to disabling fatigue/muscle weakness.  Many days I barely have the energy to sit in front of the computer for more than a few minutes at a time.  Just the exertion of holding my body upright causes my torso muscles to spasm and tremble with weakness.  It sucks, but hopefully it will get better.  With MS it's pretty much all an unknown.

So, obviously, this has been a huge upset in my life.  And I have gotten as good as nothing from my n-mom.  I have come to a point where I no longer expect her to react like a normal human being that cares about her daughter.  But I guess I still hoped that something big like this might trigger something 'motherly' in her.  That she might call and ask how I'm doing even once.  That she might offer any kind of comfort to me.  That she might say, 'I'm sorry this is happening to you.'  But no, nothing. 

She has only brought up money issues and disappointment that I won't be graduating in May.  I'm guessing she told people I was graduating and that I am embarrassing her by not doing so right now.  I have talked with her about 3 times since January.  Well, that last part is actually a positive.  Interacting with her only causes me stress and stress makes MS worse so, 'Thanks Mom!' 

I can't help but imagine sometimes what it would be like to have a mother that is a comfort to me.  Someone that is on my side and is rooting for me to succeed.  I want that so bad.  It really hurts.  I think that it would be better if I had no mother at all.

((((((((((((((((((((((Worn))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

I'm sorry things are so hard, Worn.

(((()))))

Lighter

[Worn]

Thank you so much for your caring and support!  I've tried to reply here a couple times and I keep getting overwhelmed with emotion and have to stop.  It really does mean so much to me.

Unfortunately I have so isolated myself over the years that I don't really have any close friends.  Luckily I have a dear sister that is 100% in my corner and is a rock for me.  She has a family of her own to worry about though.  I have dropped friends that I have realized are Ns and I am left with only acquaintances.  I don't trust myself to find people that are not Ns to be friends with.  Or if I do realize that they would be good friends I find I am uninterested or uncomfortable or even bored with continuing a friendship.  I think sometimes that my 'normal' people finder is broken.  That the real give and take of genuine friendship is so alien to me that I can't do it.  The take part.  I can give till I have nothing left and have done so before.  I am tempted to make contact with old N friends again.  Just for that little bit that I do get from them.  I know deep down that that is a horrible idea though. 

I am so lonely.  Fortunately I have my dogs.  But it just isn't the same as human interaction.  My T has been trying for several years to get me to start being active in something, anything, so that I can meet people.  So far she hasn't been successful.  Meeting people is terrifying for me.  Putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable.  It all sounds like torture to me.  I know I need to though.  I like people.  I get along well with many different kinds of people.  But putting my genuine self out there in order to make a true friend is so scary.  I know from experience that rejection can flatten me. 

But I want to be surrounded by warm, caring people so badly.  I need to find a way to make that happen.

[sKePTiKal]

That the real give and take of genuine friendship is so alien to me that I can't do it.  The take part.  I can give till I have nothing left and have done so before.

Hi Worn... I don't know if we've met. I'm still the same person (PR), but the name has changed yet again here...

This bit above, and what you said about risking being vulnerable struck a chord with me. I've been feeling kinda "knocked down" by this family drama I've been going through... and know - but don't know what to do about it - what you're saying about making that connection with others. We have the opening party of our summer social club this weekend... and I'm dreading it. The stuff I'm going through depresses me; I'm kinda looking at things through a sad, dark, helpless lens at the moment -- even tho' we did a very important, very good thing. I think this disqualifies me from enjoying myself; that I haven't earned or deserve to be around other people.

I had dug down into this before... and of course, with an N-mom a person develops this wacko-weird-awkward attachment style (the way we connect with others). I know that's at the root of my withdrawal and wanting to hide from people. That connection: even when you were petted and given a cookie - always ended badly; as kids we trusted and then were betrayed so many times (or worse) that it just feels wiser and safer to stay just outside those kinds of relationships or feelings with another person. Even with my hubby - even though I have all the confidence in the world in him and know for a fact, that he's got my back. I can definitely trust him. I drive him crazy.

What I have a hard time doing, is allowing myself to feel those feelings - of cameraderie, sharing, connection and togetherness with any other person. I fear my own feelings - as if I blame how good it feels to receive and then give - for suckering me into letting my guard down and then getting blindsided. (I feel like having friendly, like-ing, and "wanting to get to know you" feelings are bad and dangerous; a conundrum.) And knowing that, then I feel like the most pathetic, most twisted up (pretzeled), incompetent person known to mankind - not fit for man nor beast. (Tho' beast is much more forgiving and will "love" me no matter what; other species! what do they know, huh?). Heck, I even have a hard time "asking for help" and will carry around a shipping containers' worth of stuff that's better off being talked about, sharing, then let go... like I'm going to get some kind of super-hero points or gold stars...

SIGH. I know, Worn. I do this too. What do we do, to change the pattern? To do it a little differently? To let some nice people in, so we can actually enjoy THEM, and do things for them, too? If I think of something, I'll come back & let ya know, OK? I hope you have some ideas too...

Right now, I feel as if I've been rolling in a manure pit and I don't even LIKE being myself. Peeeeeee Yeuuuuuuuu!

[Twoapenny]

Hi Worn,

I'm sorry that this is happening for you.  I think that health problems can really bring to the fore the lack of people and/or healthy relationships in our lives.  That's really tough to cope with, on top of dealing with the health problem and anything else that might com along.

I'm sorry to read about your mum.  Mine is very similar.  Any difficult situation is about her and how it affects her.  I had a breakdown about ten years ago now.  She went on endlessly about how hard it was for her, how stressful, how much work she had to do, how difficult it was visiting me in hospital.  I felt terribly guilty.  Looking back I just needed someone to hug me and tell me it would be okay.  Like you, I eventually just accepted that she just can't do normal.  But you're right, it's something we all want so badly and it leaves a big hole if we don't have it.  I'm glad you  have your sister, though, and your dogs!  I saw the cutest little puppy yesterday, he kept catching hold of my shoe laces and being dragged around while I walked, he was so funny

I kind of did the same as you, got rid of all the Ns and found myself alone!  I find it very hard to be around people; normal people feel unnatural to me and I want to avoid the weirdos (I sometimes think my weirdo alert is too sensitive, we're all a bit messed up in some way, I think).  But I have been trying really hard, there are a couple of mums that I see at my son's swimming lesson and a few weeks ago I got up the courage to ask them if they wanted to meet for coffee before the swim.  It's just forty five minutes or so, we've done it three times now and I've really enjoyed it, they're nice people and it feels like a nice thing to do.  I did read a good book by a lady called Carole Stone, 'Networking, The Art of Making Friends'.  I've found it helpful, she talks about how to make small talk, when to keep friends, when to let them go.  She had to work at making friends when she was younger because her brother had some behavioural problems and people didn't want to visit.  I've found it useful.

There are two forums I use now as well, this one and one other that are so welcoming and friendly and full of wise people; they are two places I know I am safe and can talk about things and sound out ideas before I try them in real life.  I've found that so helpful as well.

I really hope you are able to find a way to reach out just a tiny bit to a 'real' person!  It's so hard for us to do these basic things, but then I think I'd rather struggle with this than be like my mum and live in a fantasy world the way that she does   And I hope your health improves as well, it's so hard to cope day to day with long term health problems, I hope there is a way of making that easier for you xx

[Worn]

I know you sKePTiKal.  Well, I know your voice on this board.   (((((sKePTiKal))))) ,manure and all.

I've been interested in learning how my attachment style effects how I bond with people.  And can I change my attachment style at age 35?  Surely through time, personal work, and experiencing positive relationships I can change it. 

I've been reaching out to several people over the past week or so.  Just tentatively for now.  Just letting people know I'm thinking about them.  They can decide to reply if they want to.  They are people I feel pretty strongly are 'good' people.  That I can usually expect them to react caringly and compassionately.  I'm trying to trust my instincts.  I feel pretty good about this.

You are right on about it leaving a hole Twoapenny.  I'm sorry you had to deal with the same crap.  I found the book you talked about on Amazon for 1 cent.  I can definitely use some tools about navigating friendships.  Sure didn't have anyone to model it for me since Nm does not have friends.  Which is really kind of sad.  I don't want to be that way.  Thank you for all your kind words. 

[Twoapenny]

Hi Worn,

Funnily, my mum had lots of 'friends' but she was always really mean and critical of them behind their backs.  Whether they were about her as well I don't know.  It seems I wasn't the only one who wasn't good enough

I don't think it's ever too late to change.  I'm 40 this year and I think the last couple of years have been very productive in changing things about myself, I've been able to be more honest about my own failings and accept that sometimes it's me that's the problem.  I do fall into the victim mode sometimes, I tend to fluctuate between being like a super hero and being completely incapable of anything, so I'm trying to work on a middle ground between the two.  I'm trying really hard to be honest with friends at the minute and tell them how lonely I am.  I find that tough, but we'll see how it goes.  But yes, I think we can change whatever age we are, if it's something we want to do xx