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Spring update

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Hopalong:
Thought I'd check in just to offer a snapshot of where/how I am...

I'm doing okay. Yesterday was rough but I did some escapist things and it passed.
(This was the 2nd Mother's Day without a word from my D.) I had a business trip
that took me through her town twice, I sent a text on a prayer she might have
softened enough to meet me for a meal. I didn't expect a response and
there was none. I'm realizing our estrangement may be a matter of years
if not forever. It'll be 2 years this June since I've heard her voice.
She has truly committed to NC and I am healing my broken heart.

I continue to work through the waves of grief and yearning with my
wise T, and weather them a bit better now. I'm not taking it so personally
any more. I recognize that her stack of acronymns and diagnoses, whether
all accurate or not, plus her dire economic circumstances (and me not offering
money any more, though I continue, ironically, to pay her cell phone) ... has
just added up this way. All the pain/anger/brokenness came to a head, and she
take the path of pure blame. I deserved plenty, but not banishment, and am
alone with that. There is literally nothing I can do about it. So...I am learning to abide.

I have her art, photos and momentoes throughout my lovely little home. I
sometimes daydream about one day her walking in, and feeling nothing
but warmth and love. Or maybe she'd feel disdain. One moment that helped
me protect myself more was a few months ago, she Tweeted that she'd just
been here (to my town) and had a great time with her "fabulous stepmom."
That hurt so much --that she didn't even come to see where I live--I stopped
looking online where she has an occasional public presence for months, and still
now am yielding to that impulse much less often. She has a few videos on YouTube,
so I can see she seems calmer (medicated) and more rational. I have hope for her
getting better, but I know with bipolar it's a very long haul.

Praying and hoping and abiding. Abiding feels like a better word than waiting.

I love my little house. It is cozy and warm and full of color, and I've had
raised beds built. Bought veggie seedlings yesterday and they'll go in this week.
The yard's a double lot...deep and sunny. Mulberry trees along the fence.

My friends/community truly sustain me. I was intentional about planning
something for my bday so I wouldn't be alone with the D-silence, so I
had an openhouse/bday gathering and about 30+ people, most from my
church, came and stayed and ate and drank wine and it was so magical.
Even though it rained, it was one of those magical spring rains...cozy
and calming. People really were warm and those who didn't know each
other (a few from work and even our city's mayor) just seemed to enjoy
talking to each other so much. They all sang Hpy Bday and I felt I was
floating in love and comfort.

Maybe I'll do that every year that the estrangement from D goes on.
It does help short-circuit that hurt, and remind me I have a life to live.

Other things are I'm dating nice men I meet from an online service.
No romance so far, but 9 times (or coffees) out of 10 I enjoy meeting
them, sharing stories, and although it's usually a gentle refusal to
continue (no sparks so far) I manage that very kindly, so I don't think
I'm hurting anyone. And I'm as touched by their bravery as my own!

And the biggest one, probably, is that I'm carving out some intention
toward my own writing, which I'd let rust for far too long. I'm taking
an online workshop with a writer I admire and loving that, and have
some plans to re-apply for a residency at an artists' colony I was
awarded but turned down because I was getting married (fool!)
many years ago. If that doesn't work out, there are others...so this
goal it gives me a concrete plan for what to do with
vacation time. That feels like a huge relief, and it's been years.

Work is more peaceful, super busy, but much less drama with
Nboss since we're growing too fast for it! I get along very
companionably with the two young men I'm working with most
closely. A bit of travel which is both chore and pleasure, but it's
okay. I don't know whether I'll ever work elsewhere, but we'll see.

love to all of you,
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

I'm so glad to see your update.

I used to think.....

when is Hops going to tell us about her house, moving in, setting up?

You were staying with a friend last I heard, then....

nothing.

It's nice to see you have your raised beds in, writing back on the calendar, and social life up and going.....

truly.

::nodding::

(((Hops))) I'm sorry your still estranged from dd.

You're right... you didn't deserve to be banished.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
(((((((((((((((((((((((Hopsie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am glad to read all the good things, about your work, your birthday, your lovely little home and your ability to work through the situation with your daughter and learn to live around it rather than letting it dictate the pace and harden your heart.

I am sad to read that she still hasn't dealt with the things she needs to to be able to be part of your life again.  Yep, I agree, you didn't deserve to be banished.

You're like a mum to so many on this board, giving advice, support, encouragement, a friendly ear, a firm word when needed!  So Happy Mother's Day from all of us.

I'm looking at the clouds and sending up a silent wish that your D will find the path back to you and that that missing piece slots back into the right place.

Lots of love xxxxx

Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter...ain't no justice in the heart.
When I speak of it (very seldom) I say, My D has estranged herself.
IOW, I know that she is estranged from me, but I'm not estranged from her
(or that's my way of using the word, not accurate). She's in my mind and
heart constantly. I yearn for the chance to love her, help her. I do find myself
lost in memories of her childhood, how vital and tender that connection was.
I miss her so much. Not the brutally unhappy, and unsafe, young woman she
is right now...but the inner girl, the loveable quirky one, the precious person
who befriended every outcast and loved animals more than anyone could
understand. I know and understand her so much better than she can credit
me for. But in a way, I think that's one reason she withdrew. Wrongly, she
feels shame for mental illness. And I believe she may feel it for the brutal
way she treated me the year she was here. I'm not sure, she behaved
remorselessly at the time. But I wonder, if it might not be one reason
she stays away. She knew right from wrong and yet, can't apologize.

And thank you, Tupp. You trigger the mother instinct in me, and
I'm grateful for the chance to express that in the world in a way that's
sometimes helpful. Reminds me of that old song from the 60s, "If you
can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with!" If I can
comfort someone, anyone, then I feel less useless.

I woke up crying this morning, and I know it's because Mother's Day
triggered so much pain. Deep underneath my busy-ness, that loss is
carving new shapes inside me. The yearning a mother, even a failed
one, has for a child, is cell deep. I just want her to be well, and come
find me one day when she's able to reckon that I'm human too.

One thing I wrestle with is the taboo (which is one reason I'm so
grateful VESMB is here). Even with most of my close friends, I just
don't speak about it. The reason is that they are SO uncomfortable.
It's like the way people used to be about suicide in a family. Or before
that, about cancer. Topics so threatening to the view of life as it "should"
be that to be open about them, or ask someone else about them, might
infect the asker. So, people don't ask.

Let me put it another way. There are one or two people who ask about
her that I DON'T want to talk about it with, because these two are people
I don't trust fully. One obvious one is my Nboss, who feeds off vulerability.
Another is a former workmate I'm still friendly with. But the few times I
explained a bit about my D, she was off and making pronouncements about
what D was doing/feeling, and overconfidently predicting: She will do this,
or that is what she'll learn, and then she'll do that, etc. And I couldn't listen
to it, because her desire to take control of the narrative and tell me what
was happening...made me feel invaded in a major way. And, because the
only way I can endure this situation is NOT to fantasize, or at least, to not
let anyone else lead me into fantasies. If it's not real, it's not my friend.
That goes for thoughts as well as people. So I try not to go there too often.

My own fantasies of her seeing my home (no idea if she will while I live)
are a simple comfort that I can indulge by myself. But even those, are
fantasy...maybe more likely simply because when I'm gone, she'd have
to turn up at some point in order to inherit it. Some days, the other fantasy,
which I'm not proud of...is NOT leaving it to her if she maintains the cold
forever. But 95% of the time, it comforts me to know that one day, my
little house could provide her either: something to sell to get out of her
gargantuan student debt, shelter if she wants to live here (now she hates
this town but that could change, or not), or provide her rental income
forever. Whatever she does with it, it's my way to leave her something
that matters.

And maybe one thing I think about in my small decorating decisions,
etc. -- is that even if she won't let me love her now, in some way, if
she never will, my little house can tell her so one day.

xo
Hops

lighter:
(((Hops))))

When my children were small I worried a lot..... my husband put me in unsafe situations regularly, and for a while there I was sure I wouldn't live to see my children grown.

I started writing a journal with everything and anything I could think to tell them about life, myself and what I wanted to share with them.

I had different sections..... THE BEST ADVICE from person A, B, C, D, E, F.... just everyone in their lives, even people they wouldn't remember like pre school teachers, etc.

How to care for babies, Dating Advice, dealing with pd friends and family, BOUNDARIES, and of course FOOD.  I ran out of pages, and began adding them.   

I wrote down when they learned to walk, talk, what they said, little stories and the details of waking, feeding and napping through our weeks, which I now cherish for myself.

In other words.... I think it would be good if you put together a journal of Mama Hops for your daughter to read one day.  Maybe she'll read it during a reunion.  Maybe not. 

Perhaps putting down on paper what you want to share with her, and have it ready when she's ready....... would be helpful?

Not sure, but I received a great deal of comfort in making my journal...... it seemed so important at the time.  I wanted the children to know who I was, and what I was feeling, experiencing, and how grateful I was to be their mother.  That message can be shared in many ways.... and you're a terrific writer.d being their mother. 

I'm so sorry it hurts so much, HOps.  In can imagine  the pain, and I'd have to DO something with it to survive it I think.
Lighter

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