Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Spring update

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Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter, for the kind advice...in this instance, I don't think that'd be well received.
One thing she's heartily sick of is my eloquent writing on subjects large and small...and
I've told her enough (too much) about values and beliefs and guidance. Too much.

And to write "for her" future eyes would feed the pain for me. Best to vent when I need to
and then let it go...if I did a journal with her in mind, it'd be hurting me, to do it.

Different situations, different daughters, different needs. But I'm so glad your journaling has
brought you comfort.

I know the subject will creep into other writing though...it has with recent exercises.
And then I was glad to see it. Letting it surface when it's part of the truth of what
comes out.

That likely made little sense, but thanks for the suggestion!

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hey, Hops...

you sound wonderfully CALM; peaceful even. And I'm so happy that your new home is an opportunity for such joyful occasions.
So good to hear. Also good news, that N-boss is busy enough to leave you be... ah... the beauty of distractions, for an N! LOL...

We never know what the future will bring. I like your idea of "abiding". You haven't put your life "on hold".

Firing up the writing, ought to be verrrrryyyy interrrrrrresting. Oh what we used to think about our talents, way back when! LOL. The talent still exists, but our relationship to it changes over time.

Overcomer:
Hops:  Clarify for me.  Wasn't your mom an N?  So what is your D's beef with you?

I know when my Nmom and I hit critical mass around 10 years ago and I loathed her, my daughter was 16.  She constantly defended my mom and really gave me a VERY hard time.  Now suddenly she is an adult, my "perfect" dad passed and my nmom has become mean to my kids.  Now they don't like her but they like me.

I know it is often easy to blame our parents.  I know I have been a wreck a lot of my mothering years trying to deal with my over controlling mother.  My guilt.  Being a single parent.  Having an autistic youngest child which kept me away from a great deal of the older girls' things.

My hope is that your daughter will come around.  Is there something you can do to show her unconditional love?  I have always told my mom that I believe the parent should make the overtures to keep a relationship going.  Nmom always thinks we kids should defer to her so she won't make the effort.

Hopalong:
Hi Kelly,
My D specifically, and vehemently, does not wish me to contact her.
So there's no way I can continue to demonstrate my love for her, except
to respect her choice. Which I have done faithfully except for two text
messages in two years (and a birthday card). Even those, she resented.

So now...abiding. The only way I can show love for her now, I believe, is to
abide. And to completely and profoundly accept that the ball is in her court.
That's what she's asked for, and though it muzzles me, it's right to respect it.

I do love her unconditionally. But I also had to stop supporting her.

It was a very painful transition.

love
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hi Hops,

I know what you mean about the situation being taboo.  I think, alongside the reluctance and embarrassment that goes with talking about things like this, the lack of understanding of the situation and how things can happen this way makes talking about it difficult.  I find a lot of people expect me just to kiss and make up.  They've no idea of the pain I've been through or the damage it does to me being near or around my mum.  Or the multiple times I've tried to build bridges and have a relationship with her, only to be beaten up and thrown away once again.

I guess we all wish there was something we could do to fix things.  And sometimes, there just isn't.  I suppose in the same way my mum fixes on me instead of focusing on her own (very poor) mental health, your D makes you her nemesis instead of figuring out what's going on with her head/biochemistry/lifestyle - whatever it is that causes or contributes to her current situation.  It must be as hard for you to bear that as it is/was to bear the way your mum was with you.  I am so sorry.  You deal with the whole situation so courageously.  I hope she figures things out and makes some small contact, however little that might be.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hopsie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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