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Confused about my T feelings - please advise

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Baddaughter:
I've only had one "t" in my adult life and used him several (11-12) years ago for emotional problems that I was having about the time i realized I had a drinking problem.  In retrospect, his insights into alcoholism were less than advanced, but I got so much help from my 12 step program, that i overlooked his ineptitude.  Of course, I now see the drinking as a symptom of my upbringing and Ns all around but was relieved of the drinking and moved on.  Fast forward to two years ago when life events (non supportive spouse, death of N parents, job stress and failing vision ) brought me to my knees again.  I naturally thought of him and scheduled with him.  Again, he was dismissive of everything I said and it was apparent that he felt that all my problems were of my own making, I should not speak ill of dead and to quote him "You'll come out on top -- You always do!"  This was as I sitting there exhibiting all the symptoms of PTSD!  So I didn't have the mental acuity at the time to realize that he was "phoning it in," and possibly thought that I was a malingering baby who did not respect her parents.  Fortunately for me, the guy unceremoniously dumped me not too long into my "treatment."  Unfortunately, it caused me to mistrust and fear baring my soul to someone new and it has only been recently that I have been able to consider re-entering treatment to further work on my issues.  I respected him and valued him and in the end he treated me like so many -- disrespected and voiceless again.  He did not refer me to anyone else, just basically stopped taking my calls and would not schedule me.  I was in a pretty bad way at the time:  mood swings, outbursts, flashbacks to eye surgery, nightmares and poor functioning.   (to name a few)  It has taken me a year to even consider seeing anyone else, which I believe may have held back my recovery.  I am doing a good bit better now and plan to try to get into some sort of support network so that I can be higher functioning than I am now.  No job -- still unsupportive spouse, family problems with remaining Ns etc.    I am hoping to be admitted into a group for PTSD but not sure yet and can't afford my own therapist at this point.  A few of my friends were more help than the therapist but it only goes so far.  Mostly, I have improved myself.  In the process of my latest "illness," I was exposed to some real whiners who seemed to be "looping" around the same problems over and over and getting themselves into the same problems over and over.  I have forgiven the guy -- maybe he hears the same things over and over and lacks the insight to separate whining from real trauma.  Anyway, I whined awhile myself and felt that I had no choice at the time  -- but the whiners taught me as much as he did.  I am convinced that no drug or therapist is going to get me out of this problem or this series of problems.  My symptoms have now diminished to where I can function a lot better than a year ago and I am ready to piece together the threads of my life and am seeing "what's what."  I think the rejection by the T of me and what I was going through did hold me back a ways.  I'm not saying it was rational, but his rejection of me made me feel very bad -- hurt pride, idea of having to repeat repeat repeat with someone new, disrespect  -- Wah!  Now I realize that he is just a guy and maybe good at helping some problems but hysterical middle aged woman with a market list of troubles is not his strength.  Too bad for me.  Upshot is that wallowing has only taken up my own time and I am just hoping that he is a better teacher (teaches at local univ.) than he is a clinician.  I must have been in such turmoil that I was sending out cues to him that he misread. (?)
But i always come back here for comfort and insight -- and as always -- there is always something here for me.    Love, Biddy

Ales2:
Thanks everyone for your posts.

Two - appreciate your support -
--- Quote ---So in short I think what your T was doing was inappropriate and unprofessional and I'm not suprised that it still bothers you.  I have seen therapists in the past who have done more harm than good
--- End quote ---

Part of it is that I dont understand, how he could sit across from me from ages 40-43, watching me break up with a guy I loved, knowing I want to be married and have children and really have nothing constructive or encouraging to say. He is sitting there watch my chances to have children dwindle and was not even helpful. I dont get that at all.

Bones - you are correct, he doesnt get the NWomb donors.

Hops "Usually, when a deep vein of pain was simply tapped, and I sat stunned into grief, and showed that depth of sadness...compassion was what I got. But when I really didn't have anything new to say, and more to the point, didn't have any courage to do something different than recycle it...some Ts had more tolerance for that than others. When I was young I also talked really fast, nonstop, just pouring it out nearly breathlessly for 60 minutes...which must've been exhausring to sit with. (And some Ts in this world, actually dislike some of their clients. They're human too. And yet, they don't "recuse" themselves, so everybody sits there in misery until the client gives up and moves on. I think the most skilled T is able to help even someone they don't personally like very much, and can hide those feelings from the client, and still do the great beautiful work of helping that client get "unstuck.") - you are correct with all of this, thanks.

I also agree with you Hops - and think that some problems cannot be solved, they are challenges to be managed over time. I think this is true with Ns. When first discovering Nism, I think I saw it as a problem I could  solve, in some ways, the new understanding does solve a lot instantly, the lightbulb moment, where struggle ends and information gives new choices. But, after the initial a-ha moment, when the N remains part of your life, it can only be managed, not solved, unless we choose NC, and that is another set of challenges (i.e to be managed, not solved :).

Thanks everyone for your comments, they were very helpful!  Instead of being frustrated by it, I can see it for what is probably was - bad therapy.

Ales2:
Biddy - OK wow, our posts intersected!

Thank you so much - you are right on with what was (and is still happening) with me. Job loss, for me, overeating and overcharging, not being able to get job projects completed, low functioning in all areas except paying bills on time and keeping house/car/self clean and organized (Im OCD with that.) Outwardly, I look Ok, with an extra 15 pounds, but inwardly still struggling. Not a total mess, but struggling.

I can totally relate to having opened up, gotten nothing in return and then feeling more violated. The rejection does hurt, what I dont get is since these Ts know we are hurt by rejection, why reject us and our feelings further? Most times I can deal with rejection, in not getting a job or getting a date, but consistent rejection over long periods of time (10 year of dating, one boyfriend for one year) causes severe anxiety, hopelessness and despair. I wondered why he was not helpful with this part. Its traumatic for sure. Going in, explaining it, having it minimized when seeking help makes it worse.

And, yes, I felt like he thought my problems were of my own making too, and if it is, thanks! Thanks for labeling me as the failure. Labeling me, the patient, as the failure responsible entirely for my own issues means everyone around me is sane, my boss really is a nice guy instead of sexually harassing verbal abuser and that business partner who manipulated me, lied and stole a prospective 900k from me is not a thief and a liar, he is a highly decorated govt official after all! Great!  I will alert the media!  (SARCASM:)

Feeling rejected, voiceless, disrespected, and feeling my trust violated..you hit the nail on the head with your explanation. Thanks.

Ales2:
My only thought can be that they let us vent, to where we don't feel helped (we feel helpless,despairing) and when we are ready to move on, we get over the hurt of their lack of help and not being rescued or encouraged, we encourage ourselves and learn not to bother others with out deepest and darkest thoughts since that only leads us further down the rabbit hole?

Is emotional self sufficiency what they are helping us develop?

ughhhh... not sure but have to wonder.

Ales2:
One last thing about holding the patient responsible for failures. I get it - personal responsibility is key with all aspects of life, not going to get an argument from me here. BUT. And this BUT is very important with Therapy. Personal responsibility is also based on being able to make good sound decisions. If I am being manipulated by a boyfriend, friend, neighbor, boss even on a benign level, how can one take responsibility aside from their responses in the situation? Is it not the goal of therapy to aid in making good decisions and not being blind? Wouldnt the T at least help the patient question themselves in a respectful way? I can pick and choose, sure, but cant choose well if I cant see the person for what they are. If therapy promotes the "its all good" mentality, how can someone avoid negativity (of varying kinds,  including bad therapists!) .

And, what happens when I just cant see the same mistake I am making? Is it not the need of therapy for the T to help me see past my own blind spots? I liked Dr. G's article where he talks about people making the same choice over and over again, not consciously, but unconsciously choosing people who help them heal. If Dr. G told me no apples, I would choose the orange. But what if everything is all packaged the same and I cant tell the orange from the apple until I bite into it? Then the only choice is to walk away when you see it for what it is, which is what I do anyway, repetitievly in complete frustration. 

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