Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My brother and just life and stuff
Meh:
I'm being lazy, bought a cup of espresso stand coffee and a package of bacon came home cooked it up. Now just sitting on my bum trying to figure out what to do with my day.
Kind of feel like things take me forever to get in motion, to get the ball rolling to make things happen. To get it done. Not little things I mean the larger things in life. I am the opposite of a mover and a shaker.
Got no plans for the day only to take a shower, try to buy some fall related clothes like some leggings and long sleeve shirts or something like that.
I guess I could say that I am in a depressive slump though since I quit taking medication for depression I have quit identifying with the term depression.
Not having a car also makes it harder to get out and about. And not having a life makes it harder to make friends.
I would probably just go for a drive in the country today is all. Walk around somewhere that is about it.
There are no movies that I want to watch they all look dumb.
Meh:
http://www.livescience.com/13260-bully-victims-brain.html
Meh:
Just need to write this out. For a place to deposit it. Like making a bank deposit routinely, now I am in the habit of putting my garbage here.
I don't need a response.
I'm upset at the moment, now awake much later than planned on, mainly because I am frazzled, literally am shaking.
Mainly about my father who has now moved to the state I live in since my brother dying.
I basically called him tonight responding to an email that he sent me.
Have said it to him in not so nice terms.
"Don't want to see you"
"Don't want all of your emails"
"WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND"
My mother had some belongings of mine in her basement. Of course I shouldn't have anything at her home at all. But lucky for her she has plenty of vacant space in a house that she has ownership of LUCKY for her again. My father took it upon himself to "possess" my belongings.
So basically he is in my state and has my stuff now all of which somehow he claims he didn't plan etc.
So I called him I told him to leave my things alone, I told him to leave me alone. And in the end I guess he is getting negative attention out of it.
I wasn't yelling at him but it was barely a notch down from that, clear loud talking. I feel hostile and I don't want him around.
Why is this so stressful -- I feel like I am having the proverbial "emotional meltdown".
Maybe I should just conceptualize him like a stalker. I say I don't want to see you and yet somehow he still is contacting me and referring to meeting etc. AND I have made it abundantly clear that across state borders is the perfect amount of nearness for me.
I don't like him. That is my right.
I don't need this in my life it feels bad. It feels stressful. It's disrupting my sleep.
Relatives suck I have no idea if there really is such thing as non-toxic relatives. All I know is that I can't take it anymore. I've been through a lot.
I'm too old for this shit. I am so wide awake and wired right now. Few hours ago I was going to sleep.
This isn't healthy it is stressing me out.
What I really want is peace. I am closer to my "peace" when he is not in the picture. I am closer to feeling OKAY when this stuff isn't going on.
I have had my own life for a long time apart from my father. I feel claustrophobic. I feel angry. It's like a nightmare-my mother and my father communicating with each other in the same state etc. My f*cking moron of a father thinking that he is now friends with my mother. It's non of my business I don't care what the fuck he does but he has to stay out of my life.
I don't care if I have to be a royal biotch. Somebody once told me that growing up means you realize that you have the right to say "FERCK YOU" and I agree. I am going to make him miserable, he eventually will get it that I am a pain in the ass and not a little push around nice girl any more and he will go away. I am going to be tired tomorrow and I am going to make a very mean phone call.
Meh:
Was going to write but I am too tired to do so
Meh:
I'm tired, have to pack stuff tonight. Got off of work late now it is 9 PM
Also I think I am getting sick or it could just be stress
I want to write but don't have the energy/time right now.
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