Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My brother and just life and stuff
Meh:
Spent Christmas alone but not even peacefully "alone".
What I am doing isn't working. Having roommates at my age, especially ones which have hygiene issues.
Did make some nice food for myself however :) that was easy
tomorrow back to work with all my metro-sexual coworkers and probably back to phone calls from irate customers who didn't get their ordered Christmas gifts delivered to them by Christmas because they ordered at the last minute
everything feels pointless when I look at it from some logical perspective
I'm tired of people saying "it will get better" been waiting for it to get better for the last decade + I'm kind of more looking at it from a "what the ferk now" perspective
Feeling claustrophobic need to do something about this.
Have found myself in a continuous pattern of being where I do not want to be and not having a real way to change it
Fundamentally I just need more money, it's not more deep than that, life is pretty simple and shallow
seems like the only point of life is for people to put as much money in the bank as they can and build their own mini empire with homes and vehicles and that is all there is, miniature fiefdoms, how different to think this way compared to how I thought about the world 15 years ago, where there was some kind of significance in "Saving the environment", "ending war", having a cause, "social justice", liberalism, ...... it's said that people tend towards being more politically "conservative" as they age and moving away from liberalism. Where I suppose liberalism has something to do with idealism, conservatism has something more to do with selfishness.
I don't care about my job, don't give a sheet if customers buy stuff or not, it's kind of meaningless
Don't care about the people I know in 3-D, really wish their dramas were remote and far away, :) maybe keep busy busy busy is the key to it all
Meh:
"Daughters of madness" book Susan Nathiel
might as well just start a reading list or something
I've noticed that "resilience" is a new buzz word just like co-dependency was a big buzz.
My last therapist used the word resilience on me but it was pointless because all I really want to say to them is "I'm missing out on life" even if I am alive
I don't blame my family at all anymore I am way too old for that and it is all so OLD news by now but it sure as hell hasn't been a pleasant ride
Meh:
Lazy day slept till 11:00 PM. Don't want to get on the bus because I wait for the darn thing everyday commuting to work. Found a quicker bus to take though that drops me off closer to work which is good I guess but still lame. My brother's best friend sent me a text yesterday wishing me a Happy Holiday which was nice but I don't know exactly what to think about it not sure if he now feels obligated to keep it touch with me. I almost don't want to write anything about my mother because it all just seems dead and over. She sent me an email telling me she is going out of state to visit my grandmother who is very old by now and she is having my brother's two sons fly over to her which kind of sucks in my opinion having young kids take airplanes by themselves and all because she had me do it my whole childhood and it was when I had the first panic attack that I remember.
Also I don't know why she thinks it's a good thing to make the kids see a shriveled dying old woman that they barely even know. It's kind of creepy. Maybe there is no point in me telling her this because it's already a done deal I just kind of doubt that it's good for the kids it's more like for her sense of "fake family" which she also tried to force and maintain with me. I also think about if I will ever tell my nephews "the truth" but then again maybe they will not ask me or maybe their mother will eventually tell them more. But mostly it is probably best to say nothing about the past and just move forward.
In my own zone I feel very unmotivated to apply for jobs etc. I've not got any specialized skills anymore. Used to make two times the amount of money I am getting now for the 40 hours a week I give them of my life. And then I have to ask myself what part of my life am I giving to myself and I come up with a blank and I know I should do something about this yet I don't really have the energy or a solution at the moment and pretty much I think I have been writing something like this for a while. I was okay when I worked a good job or was taking some kind of classes because I felt like I had some kind of longer term plan now at the moment I do not.
Meh:
Awake early today, didn't sleep well unfortunately, because last two days have been feeling under the weather and could have used that extra rest.
Awake, and trying to figure out if this new schedule is going to be any better for me at all or if it's just going to suck.
Meh:
So far my new schedule is helping me to not be stepping on the toes of my roommates and vice versa, now I just have to be sure to get enough sleep.
Avoided being screamed at by a customer today who was stating "I don't care what your policies are" or just prolonged the situation, but still cringe ((yay))
I still feel awake too oddly enough :) YAY
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version