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My brother and just life and stuff

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Twoapenny:
I find anniversaries can affect us whether we notice it or not.  I used to get really crabby every January.  I always assumed it was the usual post christmas blow out, but then I'd realise the anniversary of my dad's death was coming up.  It was odd, it happened every year but I still didn't associate the way I felt with him passing.  Sometimes losing yourself in online chat/crappy TV/gossip magazines helps, I think, it kind of gives you a break from dealing with stuff.  I guess it's keeping the balance but try not to give yourself a hard time about it.  How's work going? xx

Meh:
Exactly Two, completely true about the anniversary thing being a shadow event


Heys, the work is ok. Getting to the burn out point of being in a call center for a year though. Last couple months been noticing that outside of work there is nothing going on in my life. Kinda of thinking about if this qualifies as a depression. I don't even use the word depression anymore like I used to, just quit the term altogether.

Just have downer stuff to write about that I don't much feel like typing out as it seems kinda null and nil

Going to sleep before midnight is my goal, been staying up too late

Been spending an innoridinate about of time in chat though and mostly there are young drug addicted male virgins lol in these kinds of chats..... not really my kinda group, I don't even fit in and they couldn't care less whether I am in or out, probably prefer that I am out of the room as apparently I am old and fuddy duddy

Hopalong:
Lots of echoes with me...
over-TVing, under-sleeping, under-exercising...

And I figure it's depression, summer style.

I think it'll pass though I do feel a little crazy w/it sometimes.

I wake up and many mornings the very first thought that
slams into my awareness is, "My daughter hates me."

That's why I feel crazy. Two years and I still can't
get my mind to accept it. Grief w/o relief although
it's not as acute, it's just constant.

Hops

Meh:
Yesterday Friday was my day off of work so I took 3 buses to meet mother and 3 buses to get home.

She had some paperwork that I needed, and I had been putting it off.

Was thinking of never seeing her again, just forgetting it but idk. Some people make a point of staying in touch with their relatives even when they don't get along. IDK what is right or wrong in that regards or what the point is.

We didn't mention my brother at all. Sort of like he is invisible and non-existent and this is part of what voicelessness is in my opinion. On some level voiceless people literally don't exist

She talked about her neighbor whom she probably has only ever met once she also talked about some woman on TV as if it was someone she cared about. Shrug. Well at least I got my stuff and that in itself is a sigh of relief. Didn't expect any different from my mother at all. It's just as if one is always waiting for them to maybe prove themselves wrong, act more human. act like they give a shit. It reinforces something IDK, the idea that this is okay and normal, and my only choice is just to go along with it because she is in the driver's seat. Its just not there, real family is not really part of the equation.

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Am looking forward to holidays though. The smells, flavors, lights and such. Even the corny music. I am hoping I will be able to work to gain overtime pay though. I want to put a Christmas tree in my room. We will see. Hardly worth the money since I don't own a house but we will see.

Meh:
Right now I happen to be looking at my brother's death certificate for the first time. I told her (crazy mother) to email it to me because facebook requires a copy of it to get the facebook page memorialized whatever that means. He killed himself two days before his birthday. He wasn't especially old either.

I've been putting it off. But I think I am going to do it. I know it's unimportant but my family excludes me from everything and anything. Wasn't invited to the coroners or to family gatherings this year for Christmas. I'm told after the fact. The way my mother acts its like she has washed her hands clean, she doesn't care that my brother is dead, it's sort of like a thing on her to-do list that she now doesn't need to do any longer.

Life and death are so weird.  It's like the whole world is one big mess up.

I am reading the certificate upside down because my computer isn't giving me the rotate option at the moment.

Probably not what I should be ruminating over at Christmas time.

It says his occupation was "Salesman"    not sure why I find this odd I just do.

I wish I could show his ghost like "hey look brother, this is what your death certificate looks like"  Its a really dumb piece of paper that barely says anything about you"  

I don't believe in any kind of heaven or after life though. I guess I should send it in now.

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