My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

it's 5:30 AM here, I am up early for a doctor's appointment that I made over a month ago, I should be happy to be getting this done, and in fact I am trying to psyche myself up for this.

having coffee, a nice morning to myself the first in MONTHS

I did a whole day shift swap with somebody else....since my appointment is so early it might allow me time to go to art museums afterwards!!!!! YAY  or at least go buy some yarn or something like that    

not very much sleep, this is something I will need to work on soon, I think the almost? full moon shining into my window woke me up because I remember opening my eyes this morning and looking at the moon's glare thinking bejeezus that thing is intense today

Looking at the google page for today and how it is Irish themed for the Holiday and I am wondering to myself if this holiday is somehow not politically correct because it celebrates the history of white immigrants rather than current immigrants which mostly seem to be coming from India/Asian/Mid East countries.... Sigh  oh well whatevers this is probably not a politically correct thought just that it occurs to me that some people have a problem with this holiday just as there is somebody somewhere that has a problem with anything not centered around themselves     Oh well

Back to my coffee and cleaning and bus trip planning. Luckily I only have to take one bus !!!!!!! 

[Meh]

On Monday I went to a Dermatologist appointment for a check up, haven't had one in years and had surgery for skin cancer a few years back so needed to get checked. Did that. Major thing off my list as it was important to me to get caught up on all the medical stuff I couldn't do while I was going through my shiitttt.

When I went to the doc's appointment up side is afterwards I went to a art museum yay. Down side is my brother managed an apartment building in that area and I remembered the times that I went and visited him there when he was living at that location. Of course I hadn't even anticipated this. Someways my life is fake because I know I have grieved like a real person gets to, I've grieved like I don't know what but it sucks. carry on carry on, work on work on.. while life dwindles away.

going to wash dishes and make some chamomile tea for bed time.

____________________

Dating, I don't.   I spend time chatting on a dating site with guys but I don't have the guts to meet them in person or even the vehicle to make it easier to do so etc. Shrug. Hell forbid that I would date somebody like my mother right?  I am so tired right now and I can not "blame" everything on my mother.

I should just sleep.

[Hopalong]

I am so glad you got to an art museum.
I hope even with the dreariness, once you get moved to a mellower
place there will be time and a little space for a little art in your life.

I'm sorry another wave of grief for your brother hit you today. Maybe
one day you'll paint about it. Paint something for him, about him. If it's
like poetry, I found that the greatest grief was released from me into
the poem. It was a massive relief.

I'm going to see about whether I have a small skin cancer this morning,
coincidentally. I think it is. It's on my nose. Hope they can "shave" it down
with the MOHS thing. It's so common for pale people in their 60s who grew
up without sunscreen and plenty of burns. Ugh. We'll see.

About dating...you're lonely, why wouldn't you want to meet somebody?
I wish there were some simple 3-D way. Art class. A choir. A small volunteer
activity. All three. Exhausting, but being present with people repeatedly is
the only way to get to know them. (For me, that was a revelation.)

Hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hiya Hops, hope it goes well for you.At the moment my eyelids are already sleeping on me.. will have to catch up with ya soon.

Yeah the if they do the MOHs thing it can take a while for it to heal and go back to looking like normal. Sort of a process. 

[Meh]

Sunday: Hung out with a co-worker for the first time today with this particular person.

I showed him a brochure of an art thing I went to and then he decided he wanted me to go do something with him so today we went to an art museum and also a greenhouse that he had never been to and then out to lunch.

We almost rear-ended somebody on the freeway, I mean really close call... because the traffic in front of us had stopped and we were going too fast.. I really want more friends but I am thinking it's not safe to get into a car with him. He texts constantly while driving and drives too fast.

It was nice to get out but it wasn't relaxing it was more like a jolt to my system. Next he wants to go to the zoo... and I want to go with him but don't want to die. I might say that we just don't get on the freeway.

He has ADD and he is a gay guy but he is pretty nice and it was good just to have somebody to talk to and we exchanged some stories about ourselves to each other. He told me that all his friends are "ADD" and that he thinks we are on two different levels but he said it was nice to hang out with me so I guess it was okay IDK

So that is what is up with that.

So tired though, neighbors are pressure washing their car and it's loud and the roommate started playing loud music at 8 AM this morning.

Just finished a conversation asking roommate to flush the toilet and she tried to say the toilet is broken... yet I have no problem flushing it myself.

[Meh]

Sometimes I just feel like I am going to have a total freaking melt down I swear.

[Meh]

I may have found a place that I can walk to work from. I looked at it today don't love it, is expensive but at least it might be more sane IDK.

[Meh]

Feeling lonely and stressed out. I think I left my cell phone at work... ferk it never did that before.

[Meh]

Tonight I need to pack though I want to sleep.

[Meh]

Woke up at 5 AM, set the alarm, early. is pouring outside, am packed for the most part everything is ready to go. Had yoghurt and a cup of coffee. Breathe... transition... change.. embrace change

Try, Try and Try again.

[Hopalong]

I am so glad you're getting out of this house, and by the time you read this,
you'll be in the new one.

I am so glad.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

And make space for ART.

It's also extremely cool on a lot of levels that you can walk to work.
Health, nature, feeling your body before and after a day in a cubicle...

Strength, wellness. Wishing it all for you Boat.

Hops

[Meh]

Thanks Hops, there is not a lot of health and nature in the near vicinity though, it is more just traffic and strip malls. My aim was for some temporary peacefulness.

I get kind of attached to the concept of place, even if I don't like the actual PLACE/SPACE I almost always feel sad/depressed when I move. 

Yep, moved, didn't sleep well at all last night, I will give it a few weeks try and see how it goes. This new place is shared, sort of odd also but fewer people (3). It is however way over priced.

Was hella dusty so cleaned a lot yesterday not something I was looking forward to and woke up with puffy eyes, I hope this doesn't happen every morning.

I am refraining from buying lots of decorative items. Got a sage and off white striped bath mat that is all at the moment.

Next on my list: Dentist.

[Meh]

I feel unsettled and worried. Hopefully that will resolve itself mildly and peacefully. My anxiety getting the better of me I guess.

[Meh]

I am tired that is all folks

[Hopalong]

Of course you're tired...

How does your new room feel, is it getting a touch more familiar?

Hops