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Am I Passive Aggressive ?

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Ales2:
Ok, I already know the answer to that question.

I have the following symptoms:

* Severe problems with procrastination
Procrastination as a means of control, specifically my NMother at the moment
Cant seem to finish things w/ groups/projects, people are always obstacles to me, they are uncooperative, resulting in project failure
In talking with my therapist, I remember his body language would cringe when I complained, seemed envious, jealous or resentful, seemed dependent, exhibited learned helplessness, gossipy, and somehow, which is the big mystery to me, I somehow sabotage myself and dont achieve my goals.  
*

There are many things I do well:

* I'm hard working, put in long hours like everyone else,
I am not late,
I dont forget things,
I participate fully,
I'm organized etc,
I come prepared with a friendly attitude,
Outwardly I look responsible, but have the problems with the interpersonal relationships, I can complete things as long as I am in control (a script or short stories), but in co-op/group situations I run into trouble and I dont understand what I am doing wrong.  
*

I can fix/resolve the procrastination, complaining/jealouy thing outwardly by keeping my mouth shut and just doing the work, but dont know about the other 20% required to solve this problem.

I spent the last two hours looking online for PAD treatments, and support websites, but have not yet found anything.  Anyone have any suggestions?

Time are a changin' and time for me to focus on resolving my own problems.

Twoapenny:
Hi Ales,

I'm really sorry but I don't know the answer to this one!  I can only think that working on the need to control would help all the other stuff and I'd guess a therapist would help with that, but one that doesn't 'speak' to you with his body language - what was that all about?!  I thought the point was that they are neutral? xx

Ales2:
Thanks Two for your response.

His body language was cringing - he was tired of hearing me gripe, whine and complain. Too negative. But isnt that part of the therapy process to trust someone with our darkest feelings?

I feel like I trusted someone who then never really helped me overcome my weaknesses and wounds. I feel like confiding in him he saw me as a weak, hopeless mess incapable and undeserving of the life I was working towards. (while in T, I got laid off from an abusive boss, started and ended a relationship (a one year time psan) and lost my house down payment I had saved as a result of using the money to supplement unemployment and starting accruing debt again after I had paid off my car and credit card in full)

At the moment,  I am bouncing back, getting out of that awful hole I was in and kind of getting back to where I was before, but not sure if that will result in anything more than a changed attitude and a new job and a few bills getting paid. I dont know that the problems I am trying to resolve, having a house, career success based on writing and producing (instead of working in an executive role on projects) and a relationship/marriage/family will result or I will just plateau at where I was and make no progress. 


When I write this out, I just think he had no way of helping me improve.

Twoapenny:
Well I'm sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a nasty little man who shouldn't be doing that job.  The whole point of therapy, surely, is that people will talk about their problems and from my point of view the best thing about it was that I got to spend a whole hour just thinking about me, not worrying about the other person.  How damaging that he behaved in that way, it really undermines the whole process!

From an outsiders perspective it sounds to me like you've achieved a massive amount already.  There's lots that I'd like to do that I still haven't and I don't know if I ever will, but I definitely feel much better mentally and emotionally than I ever did.  Do you feel like that?  What I found is that as my mind health got better the external things I wanted changed, so I wondered if getting yourself out of that hole (which was an amazing thing to do) helped you emotionally as well as practically?  I'm not sure this is making a lot of sense as I'm typing it because I'm tired and I can never tell whether I'm getting out what I'm trying to say when I'm tired but I'm hoping it's making sense anyway :) xx

Ales2:
Hi Two,

Yes, he was a bad therapist, although I already came to that conclusion in another post. At that time, I also thought he was letting me wallow in self pity for me to get myself out the hole and develop emotional self sufficiency. If that was his goal, it worked, but I still feel betrayed by him (which is actually a PAD trait, to feel misunderstood or used) for his lack of feedback and encouragement. I left therapy feeling misunderstood, discouraged and used, which is why I terminated therapy.

As far as achieving alot already, thank you for the compliment, but I am 45, still renting, unemployed and single. Too late to have my own family, and so will have to work and buy a home entirely on my own. Im not out of the hole yet, but getting much closer. Only way out is a new job and then other things that are money dependent can change. Oh, but I did lose 10 lbs so far, and can tell that the PA is alive and well when my willpower takes a vacation and I go off program. :)

Thanks for your posts, I appreciate your support. I;ll have to read up on your posts and contribute this week.

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