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Getting old etc.

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Meh:
Maybe I shouldn't put this here but I've been thing about age and such recently.

Okay so I fart a lot more than I used to because I guess maybe I am not making as much enzymes as I once did. My hair seems to be falling out. When I sneeze sometimes I piss my pants a little. And after the job where I stood on my legs, now my legs hurt all the freaking time, especially when I first stand up in the morning.

Sometimes I wonder about if I am mature or not. People that I work with who are in their mid 20's think that I am their age. Sometimes I think money actually allows people to live like a more mature person.

IDK. What do you guys think about maturity etc. just in general. Sometimes I think the experience of the "Narcissism" family member etc....has kind of contributed to me being mature and immature in some ways. Not that it all goes back to the Narcissism.

How do people mature?  Most adults that I have met are secretly quite immature really.

Meh:
And I would add JET LAG for no reason, I wake up as if I have jet lag from an international trip. I seem to be sleeping fine, just not waking up as if I am rested. I guess I thought I was immune to becoming old, fat and tired.

sKePTiKal:
Well, breathing problems while you sleep or teeth grinding... can use up a lot of energy while sleeping and you wake up feeling as though you've just run a marathon and need a nap. Very active dreaming does that to me, too. (On the other hand, I know the less conscious parts of me are working things out in dreams, that I don't get around to during the day...)

Maturity... well, that's a pretty subjective word!! And it's got a lot of "variations on a theme" in what constitutes maturity. I started being responsible for nearly 100% of the household tasks when I was 12-13. By 15-16, I really resented it... and starting working for pay outside the house to buy the clothes I wanted, save up for a car, etc. I escaped the N-alcatraz at 18 (well, traded one N for another... young and dumb, mistake = inexperienced and lack of information). And I've always worked since then - until I "retired" (or dropped out, pick one) - in 2009. Some folks would say that makes me "mature"... and where I've put weight on, yup; that too...

on the other hand, cute baby kitties or bunnies... regress me to kindergarten levels of squeals and "me wants"... LOL.

Things like judging myself against some yardstick of what "society" considers "normal" as to what I can BE in my "inner life"... pfffffft! When I lost that, I gained another teeny-tiny bit of maturity... I fully intend to be hell on wheels, when I cross 90 and I'm practicing NOW. Where did we ever get this funny-odd idea that need to "define" ourselves and sort of box ourselves up into some package, with pretty paper & a bow? Sure, maybe interviews, or teaching a class... there are just certain "done" things re: expression and presentation. But we need time in our existence to "let it all hang out" and just BE, without dealing with anyone's expectations of us... or even our own. pffffttt! on that whole forcing myself into a "definition" that doesn't fit well, is itchy, and too hot... fie on it!!

Hopalong:
Huh. Wrote you a thing yesterday Boat and it didn't post.

Nutshell: Making your own yogurt is super cheap and will introduce beneficial bacteria that will improve digestion. http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/homemade-yogurt

On the other hand, I like farts. One sign of my aging is that when I walk through the office and now and then one escapes, undeniably...I used to feel drastically embarrassed, now it's just kind of: Oh. Methane.

Another thing is that you are grieving. As an organism, whether weepy or not, you have lost your brother. I would bet that would dampen energy and make you feel slowed and old. I have grieved for 2 years over my D's absence. In the last six months I have begun to feel somewhat physically better--and not as old as I felt a year ago. But it's taken a lot of effort (since when I'm sad, my already-shaky motivation to take care of myself just sinks beneath the floor).

Yesterday with my counselor we "reviewed" the last 4 years. The list of stresses and losses was the longest--or had the most items--than ever existed at once in any similar period in my life. So...that makes some sense of it. AND, feeling better now also makes sense. Because some of those stresses are gone. (Mother, brother, the estate battle, court, selling and buying a house and moving.) The big one's there now (my D) but quieter. With time, I found out where to go with it, inside.

All of that just to say, I am healing, and slowly and steadily feeling better.

You need your own mercy, compassion, kindness, patience. AND...the best nutrition you can get.

love
Hops

Meh:
ok thanks

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