Death of an Unloved One

[sunblue]

Hello Everyone:

I came across this article and I thought it was especially relevant to those who have lost or are losing narcissist loved ones or relatives.  It focuses on the concept of "forgiveness" and the need to retain one's own character during times of abuse and neglect.  Turning into the narcissist by mimicking their behaviors in order for your pain to be recognized isn't valuable.  It will keep you mired in pain.  Of course, all of this is easier said than done but so important for our own growth and survival.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/24/living/death-anger-reddick-obit/index.html?hpt=li_c2

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Thanks, sunblue!  I'm so glad you brought this article to the Board's attention! 

Richard

[Twoapenny]

I find these articles all well and good as theories but they never seem to have any practical advice on how to 'forgive'.  How does a five year old retain their own character during abuse?  For many the only way to cope with the abuse is to adopt some sort of persona or barrier that protects the real them, it's simply too dangerous to be who they are, and far too painful.  I've found articles that focus on how someone should be after they've been abused quite difficult to deal with in the past, as they've made me feel I'm doing it wrong and I should be able to simply stop feeling and behaving the way that I did as I came to terms with everything that happened. 

I don't like the way people focused on the obituary these people wrote about their mum, why shouldn't people tell the truth about what happened to them?  How do we stop abuse if everyone keeps quiet and doesn't talk about it publicly?  How do we teach people who were silenced as adults how to let out their anger, their fear, their grief, if we keep telling them how to do it and that it has to be done quietly and in a dignified way?  Inside you're a scared child, that's the bit that needs to be fixed, not the outward 35 year old rational adult.  For me a big part of therapy was realising that I over reacted to certain situations because inside something was still responding to a situation from the past.  That means I've done things that weren't logical or rational or appropriate.  If I hadn't done those things I wouldn't have moved on to the next step.  You can't start to heal until you are ready; for that family her death might be the thing that sets them free and starts them on the road to recovery.

For me those sorts of articles always read like a critique of the way survivors cope.  I know my mum's death will be a huge event in my life and will be another stop forward in recovering from what she did to me.  It will also genuinely mean myself and my son are safer.  I wouldn't go as far as writing an obit about her, she isn't worth the time it would take, but I completely understand why those people did and I'd bet it has helped them start to put themselves back together.

[BonesMS]

I don't blame the adult children for telling the truth!  They must have lived through HELL and it annoys me when strangers, who have NO clue, attempt to tell them how they should feel or what they should be allowed to say.  People who have never experienced abuse do NOT understand the PTSD flashbacks and the trauma that comes out of being forced to live in hell with a monster who should never have been allowed anywhere near children.  I've seen and heard strangers say:  "Well, go get therapy!"  Tried that.  The problem is that the therapists around my geographic area CANNOT wrap their brains around the concept that there are monsters who give birth to their own victims and who enjoy raping and torturing them for their own self-gratification.  These "therapists" are ineffective, at best, or psychologically abusive at worse, leaving survivors worse off and less willing to attempt therapy again when trust is, once again, violated.

[Meh]

Thanks for sharing. I find that article confusing. There often is not solid advice in this life, just many people with many opinions.   If we could leave it behind then we would I guess.