Physical reactions

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, I don't think we need to worry so much, about "unloading" some of our crap on others... I got my hair cut when I got back from dealing with my D and grandsons... and just let loose in the salon. It wasn't my usual guy; instead it's a lady who's worked with him since they opened... and YUP, she said: we could write a book, couldn't we??

It's sad/and a minor relief... to realize that almost everyone knows someone like this, and is usually related to them. As for being embarrassed for people who have no shame and no boundaries whatsoever... I've made some serious progress with that (because life required it of me otherwise I'd still be dancing around the issue).

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp--
When my friend and I do that mutual-support paperwork thing, she doesn't actually
touch my own piles of paper or files, or read anything. What she does is bring a stack
of stuff she needs to work on herself...and just does it here.

So we're doing our individual projects, but it's like...having a sister or something.

Less lonely and fearful, so we can encourage each other just with presence.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of your thoughts on this, I'm just all over the place at the minute and keep sitting down to write and nothing comes out the way I want it to!  It's as if I've lost all the confidence I built up and everything seems to be too much to do again.  I'm just gritting my teeth and getting on with it, there is an end in sight and I'm going to get to it eventually!  Will write more when I can but wanted to say thank you in the meantime xx

[Twoapenny]

Oh...I think I have a somewhat similar example:   for a while a collection agency was calling me about an unpaid emergency room visit bill....LOL...they didn't do much except for charge me to breathe in there. And I didn't have insurance..

But now I do not want to answer the phone, it is bad...but every time I hear my phone ring I just kind of dread it.

Ah I know that feeling, Green!  I don't usually answer the phone, I wait for the person to leave a message and then call them back.  Other times I pick it up but don't speak.  My friends know this little tactic so they'll say hi but obviously if it's someone you don't know they'll speak and then I usually just put the phone on the side and walk off.  We get loads of calls that are people selling things and doing surveys etc.  It's very annoying.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Penny...

I got an idea reading some of the replies. I don't know if would work, but it can't hurt to try it. How about labeling those boxes of paper "the past"? And when you sit down to work through them, take a couple minutes to talk to yourself...

say: now I'm going to look at the evidence of the past - like an archeologist - and at precisely _________ (time) I will get up and take a 10 minute break, before working on it again for another hour, or until it's done.

Maybe that will help you get through it. I'm still working with hubs - and purging so many of his "collectibles" which are just emotional "stuff" linking him to his past "lives"... sigh... I really think there is this sense about papers, things, that some people invest so much of their identity in - that to give it up or let it go... actually, physically, hurts. It's some variation on "magical thinking". He can - really - only work an hour or two a day at this before he exhausts his capacity to emotionally handle it. (No, he's not overly verbal about the process... I have to watch his eyes and body language; sometimes his attention span.)

BTW: just to update my situation... my mom is ill again; repeated bouts of kidney stones and now she may be facing dialysis too. She has repeatedly said "it would be really nice if you could come up and help me go through my stuff". (note: she doesn't say - get rid of any of it; unless of course I take it with me... there's no, I'd really like you to come and spend some time with me...). Bro has had another round of dealing with clogged arteries and is comtemplating surgery this time... with no alteration of lifestyle. I am not going anywhere near that snakepit of a loony-bin. My D (A) is so far, not causing any real problems, is finishing her current round of education -- and spending time with the boys, as it's available. Boys seem to be doing well - but there's still the issue of tutoring that is contentious, because it would require effort on A's part... sigh. H & fiance M, and another couple will be here next weekend for some deserved and needed fishing & r/r...

Skep - I like that description of a snakepit of a loonybin - very apt and one I might nick if you don't mind

I like the idea of being an archaeologist!  I think there is some sort of mind/body disconnection going on.  In my head this stuff doesn't bother me anymore.  Sorting through it can only bring good things - our records will be corrected (thereby avoiding problems like this in the future), I'll have had some sort of opportunity to reply to the claims she's made (something that was denied me at the time), I'll be able to get rid of a lot of the boxes once it's finished (giving us more space at home) and my final reward for dealing with and finishing all of this will be MOVING 200 MILES AWAY FROM THIS SNAKEPIT OF A LOONYBIN (ta for that!) and never having to think about bumping into any of them again.  A proper fresh start for me and my boy without all of that stuff hanging over me.

But my body seems to have other ideas.  I feel like I've been run over at the minute.  My head's fine - mentally I'm good, but I feel like a woman much older than I am and I think the two are connected.  I've found a Gestalt therapist - anyone have experience with that?  But as I understand it part of what they do is work on getting your body to release trauma.  I think the theory is that you hold stuff physically and it can lead to all sorts of aches and pains and physical problems.  So I'm going to keep chipping away at it all and I'm hoping that eventually all of it will settle and maybe just bugger off and leave me alone once and for all

[Hopalong]

(((Tupp)))

I can relate to that exhausted, drained-adrenals feeling.
One can only take so much strain, of any kind, without feeling it.

I just want to encourage you that in time, it does get better,
if you continue to take care of yourself.

During those times when it's all a slog, just keep putting in
the most potent foods you can afford (think of maximizing
nutrients more than of comfort) and walking a lot to keep
your body tuned...

As your psyche heals, your body will respond to that steady
care, and be ready to rebuild itself.

I am slowly getting well after those years of torment and
I do feel better. Still not 100% but a year of regular walks
and better attention lately to eating loads of greens, fruits
and whole grains--and backing off the "white food" (carbs,
dairy) has really helped. Also, a supplement called Zyflamend
is doing good.

Your body does have massive repair and rejuvenate capacities,
just comes a point when you have to give it help and time to do it.
Mostly, it's not supplements. Just the plants you eat...

love to you
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Hopsie.

I'm wondering if it's repressed anger.  There's just nowhere for the anger to go.  I don't know how to let it out safely.

I'm doing the work in little bits.  I read through some old psychiatric notes to get some reference numbers and old addresses so they can attach my amendments to the right set of files.  I felt angry that I was there in the first place, angry with them for not doing much to help me, angry when I read that I told someone I had a good relationship with my mum.  I didn't, I had no idea what she was doing to me and hadn't placed any responsibility for anything that had happened on her shoulders.  That all came later.  I feel scared that they won't believe my amendments and then angry that I feel scared about asserting myself.  I read a report about my son that made a big deal about my mental health when it was so irrelevant to what was wrong with him.  There's just so much pointing the finger and so little was actually being done to help me, or him.  Just lots of people talking about nothing and writing it all down.

And all of that flashed through my head in about ten minutes flat, I felt the anger in my belly and up through my chest - and then it just goes.  And I wonder if it just finds somewhere to sit quietly (like a good girl) and if that's what causes all the other stuff.  My head feels like it's stuck in a vice at the minute!

Anyhow.  Have got a lot done today and made an appointment with a new therapist for two weeks time.  Just an initial meeting to see if she's suitable, she seemed helpful on the phone and she's quite local to me which helps so fingers crossed.

Thank you and I'm glad to read that your health is improving - long may that continue xx

[Twoapenny]

And just a little update - I went away from that last posting to do a bit work on it.  Was going through an old medical file (about ten years ago) and feeling very depressed about all the things being written about me and items being listed by my mum and sister.  Until I got to the back and found a letter written by yours truly, in which I was kicking arse and putting things right and generally standing up for myself.  I don't even remember writing it, but there it is, in black and white - me fighting for my boy, all those years ago, even when I didn't know what they were all doing to us.  So that cheered me up

[Twoapenny]

Have done another hour today.  Physically, I genuinely feel sick, but emotionally it's making me feel quite strong.  I've a list up on the wall of what needs to be done and it's nice to see things getting crossed off.  I'm getting together a pile of stuff that can be burnt, a pile that I need to keep hard copies of and another pile of stuff that I can scan so it's there if I need it and get rid of the rest.  There are still some things that need dealing with so I'm doing bits and pieces as and when I feel up to it.  There's lots of boring admin stuff (like putting things in date order or making lists of doctors, stuff like that) that I can do if it's getting too much, so I feel like I'm doing something.  Some of the stuff I'm reading is nice, some people really had my back.  Others were busy sticking knives in it.  It's funny how much goes on that you're completely oblivious to and how this entire legal identity grows in your medical files that gives other people entirely the wrong impression of you.  Some things I will definitely correct, others aren't a big deal and I won't bother with.  I'm trying to focus on what will help in the future rather than correcting every little thing.  I still find it hard not to aim for perfect.  Writing a letter and sending it rather than drafting it four times and then adding loads more to it is alien to me, I'm having to really make myself do that.  I'll never finish it if I go for perfect every time.  But I feel like this is the final stretch.  When it's over I'm buying a fire pit for the garden and I'm going to burn this lot and all my pictures of my mum.  I burnt the ones of my stepdad a long time ago.

[Hopalong]

BRAVO, Tupp.

That is just triumphant.

Bravo especially for letting perfection go.

You have accomplished a hell of a lot, and lastingly.

Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Twoapenny

Catching up with you and am happy to hear nothing about physical complaints, as you accomplish what you have.

I did my new file folders, but didn't cut them in half, just cut the contents by ⅔. Wow it felt good, but I lost my new Telephone folder, so I think I threw it in the wrong direction and it went out with the trash.

I was 2 weeks off the new pain meds and aches and weakness returned, so have another month's supply. It just might take that year after all---boy will I be a roly-poly then!

Hops: "letting perfection go"===ha ha! I could never do that. Now I pay for it!

Sounding good, tp. Keep it up.

xx
Izzy

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both, for your kind thoughts and words.

I have been reading files this afternoon and I am chilled to the bone.

As you know, the allegations focused on my son.  I've had numerous sets of records sent through over the years.  I've skimmed through them all (there are hundreds of pages in some) looking for allegations relating to my son.  The ones that don't contain any I've just put to one side and these are the ones I've been going through today, really just to see if I need to keep them or not.

I have some double checking to do as I need to cross reference these with other medical records to be sure that my memory and understanding of the situation is correct.  But what I've come up with so far has scared the bejesus out of me.

When my son was two I had a breakdown.  I'd suffered from depression before but this was really bad.  My utmost, utmost, utmost wish has always been to be a good mum to my son.  He was so little.  I was still in contact with my mum and sister in those days and they helped out a lot with my son when I was too ill to care for him.  As much as we had problems, I was grateful for this as the alternative was foster care and I didn't want that for him.  Various agencies were involved, all at my request, and I was working flat out to get well again, doing way more than just taking tablets and hoping for the best.

It's these records I've been reading through.  It seems that even that long ago, when I was so very ill, my mum was lying to the people involved and creating a picture of me that just wasn't true.

Example - a call from my mum to social services claiming that I was ringing her threatening to kill myself.  There were times when I was suicidal, but my usual response to that was to phone the doctor.  I have no recollection of ever ringing my mum to tell her this. Over the page, the social worker has called the doctor, who had seen me that day and who told her that I was fine, happy and doing well.  The explanation given by my mum is that I am telling her one thing and the doctor something else.  This was accepted by all of them, and a page later they are writing up a report describing me as manipulative, dramatic and prone to untruths.

There are other examples like that, but essentially the situation escalates from there and what was fairly routine becomes far more complex with me being misrepresented like this over and over again.  It ends with the social worker suggesting I sign over rights to my son to my mum.  Fortunately I did not

[Twoapenny]

Sorry the screen froze and I couldn't type any more.  She is so, so sick and twisted.  And yet still so many people don't believe me.  The thing that frightens me most is why she was so keen to get my boy living with her and get me out of the picture.  She'd never tried it with any of her other grandchildren (she had five others by then).  I can understand why she went for me but why him?  Why so keen to get him?  Knowing what I do about my step-father the scenario in my mind is just terrifying.  I just thank God, the universe, the power of nature, whatever it is that I was strong enough, even then, to fight her.  I feel like I've had invisible help along the way.  She worked so hard at this for so many years and she never did pull it off.  I've been lucky in a lot of ways, this could have ended up so, so differently.

I can't even describe how frightened I feel, like I've had a near death experience or something.

[Hopalong]

And THAT'S what mattered here, in the end.

Fortunately I did not

Wow. You really did triumph.

And once you sort and purge these paper prisons,
you really will get back into the present, and be
able to focus on living your life...

You are putting the past to rest, one file at a time.

BRAVA!

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Hopsie.  I did two more files today.  They all link to the same time period so it has helped to see the same situation from different people's perspectives.  It's interesting that everything was ticking along okay until my mother got involved.  My sister was a lot more involved in this than I realised previously.  Devious little shit.  There's a lot of good stuff in the info that helps my case.  What's interesting is that the sexual abuse is noted and written about in my early psychiatric reports, as is my difficult relationship with my mother, but the info wasn't passed on to social services.  I expect they'd have had a different perspective if that had been the case.  But feeling good that I'm ploughing through it.  I've been aiming for a file a day and I'm ahead at the moment.  We've got ten days coming up now where I have very little planned and I'm going to keep it that way.  I just want this done now.  Time to reclaim my life, I think, and lay this to rest once and for all.