Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Physical reactions
Izzy_*now*:
Hi Twoapenny
Catching up with you and am happy to hear nothing about physical complaints, as you accomplish what you have.
I did my new file folders, but didn't cut them in half, just cut the contents by ⅔. Wow it felt good, but I lost my new Telephone folder, so I think I threw it in the wrong direction and it went out with the trash.
I was 2 weeks off the new pain meds and aches and weakness returned, so have another month's supply. It just might take that year after all---boy will I be a roly-poly then!
Hops: "letting perfection go"===ha ha! I could never do that. Now I pay for it!
Sounding good, tp. Keep it up.
xx
Izzy
Twoapenny:
Thank you both, for your kind thoughts and words.
I have been reading files this afternoon and I am chilled to the bone.
As you know, the allegations focused on my son. I've had numerous sets of records sent through over the years. I've skimmed through them all (there are hundreds of pages in some) looking for allegations relating to my son. The ones that don't contain any I've just put to one side and these are the ones I've been going through today, really just to see if I need to keep them or not.
I have some double checking to do as I need to cross reference these with other medical records to be sure that my memory and understanding of the situation is correct. But what I've come up with so far has scared the bejesus out of me.
When my son was two I had a breakdown. I'd suffered from depression before but this was really bad. My utmost, utmost, utmost wish has always been to be a good mum to my son. He was so little. I was still in contact with my mum and sister in those days and they helped out a lot with my son when I was too ill to care for him. As much as we had problems, I was grateful for this as the alternative was foster care and I didn't want that for him. Various agencies were involved, all at my request, and I was working flat out to get well again, doing way more than just taking tablets and hoping for the best.
It's these records I've been reading through. It seems that even that long ago, when I was so very ill, my mum was lying to the people involved and creating a picture of me that just wasn't true.
Example - a call from my mum to social services claiming that I was ringing her threatening to kill myself. There were times when I was suicidal, but my usual response to that was to phone the doctor. I have no recollection of ever ringing my mum to tell her this. Over the page, the social worker has called the doctor, who had seen me that day and who told her that I was fine, happy and doing well. The explanation given by my mum is that I am telling her one thing and the doctor something else. This was accepted by all of them, and a page later they are writing up a report describing me as manipulative, dramatic and prone to untruths.
There are other examples like that, but essentially the situation escalates from there and what was fairly routine becomes far more complex with me being misrepresented like this over and over again. It ends with the social worker suggesting I sign over rights to my son to my mum. Fortunately I did not
Twoapenny:
Sorry the screen froze and I couldn't type any more. She is so, so sick and twisted. And yet still so many people don't believe me. The thing that frightens me most is why she was so keen to get my boy living with her and get me out of the picture. She'd never tried it with any of her other grandchildren (she had five others by then). I can understand why she went for me but why him? Why so keen to get him? Knowing what I do about my step-father the scenario in my mind is just terrifying. I just thank God, the universe, the power of nature, whatever it is that I was strong enough, even then, to fight her. I feel like I've had invisible help along the way. She worked so hard at this for so many years and she never did pull it off. I've been lucky in a lot of ways, this could have ended up so, so differently.
I can't even describe how frightened I feel, like I've had a near death experience or something.
Hopalong:
And THAT'S what mattered here, in the end.
--- Quote ---Fortunately I did not
--- End quote ---
Wow. You really did triumph.
And once you sort and purge these paper prisons,
you really will get back into the present, and be
able to focus on living your life...
You are putting the past to rest, one file at a time.
BRAVA!
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Hopsie. I did two more files today. They all link to the same time period so it has helped to see the same situation from different people's perspectives. It's interesting that everything was ticking along okay until my mother got involved. My sister was a lot more involved in this than I realised previously. Devious little shit. There's a lot of good stuff in the info that helps my case. What's interesting is that the sexual abuse is noted and written about in my early psychiatric reports, as is my difficult relationship with my mother, but the info wasn't passed on to social services. I expect they'd have had a different perspective if that had been the case. But feeling good that I'm ploughing through it. I've been aiming for a file a day and I'm ahead at the moment. We've got ten days coming up now where I have very little planned and I'm going to keep it that way. I just want this done now. Time to reclaim my life, I think, and lay this to rest once and for all.
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