Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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Twoapenny:
Thank you, Hops and Bonesie.
I think she is right for now. In the past, I may have found her approach too direct and shied away from it. I've also been taking some homeopathic remedies for a couple of months. I explained to the homeopath (he is a very kind man who I have been seeing for a long time now so he knows my history and family problems) that I find it virtually physically impossible to talk about the sexual abuse - my voice literally goes and I can't get the words out. I also find it hard to switch from busy, juggling all the balls mum to sitting talking about myself for an hour. So he gave me something to try and help with that and I do feel that I can speak more openly and honestly with this lady than I could have done before. Although we haven't talked about the sexual abuse yet so we will see what happens with that.
It does feel like a shift in the right direction, what I am noticing now is such a deep sense of loss and sadness. I feel utterly bereft and alone. I am trying to just sit with it and look after myself nicely but I do find it hard! But I took my son to the cinema yesterday, a silly kids film which was just what I needed! We had cake and hot chocolate and then a mini adventure when the door to the carpark was locked and I thought we wouldn't be able to get the car out. But a nice man directed us to a different entrance so all was well. We're going on a day trip tomorrow and we'll have lunch out as a little treat. I find it easier to treat myself if I do it through him - silly, isn't it?
Bones, I wish you could talk to her too! I feel quite safe around her, which is nice.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on November 14, 2013, 05:39:32 AM ---Thank you, Hops and Bonesie.
I think she is right for now. In the past, I may have found her approach too direct and shied away from it. I've also been taking some homeopathic remedies for a couple of months. I explained to the homeopath (he is a very kind man who I have been seeing for a long time now so he knows my history and family problems) that I find it virtually physically impossible to talk about the sexual abuse - my voice literally goes and I can't get the words out. I also find it hard to switch from busy, juggling all the balls mum to sitting talking about myself for an hour. So he gave me something to try and help with that and I do feel that I can speak more openly and honestly with this lady than I could have done before. Although we haven't talked about the sexual abuse yet so we will see what happens with that.
It does feel like a shift in the right direction, what I am noticing now is such a deep sense of loss and sadness. I feel utterly bereft and alone. I am trying to just sit with it and look after myself nicely but I do find it hard! But I took my son to the cinema yesterday, a silly kids film which was just what I needed! We had cake and hot chocolate and then a mini adventure when the door to the carpark was locked and I thought we wouldn't be able to get the car out. But a nice man directed us to a different entrance so all was well. We're going on a day trip tomorrow and we'll have lunch out as a little treat. I find it easier to treat myself if I do it through him - silly, isn't it?
Bones, I wish you could talk to her too! I feel quite safe around her, which is nice.
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on November 14, 2013, 06:29:42 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on November 14, 2013, 05:39:32 AM ---Thank you, Hops and Bonesie.
I think she is right for now. In the past, I may have found her approach too direct and shied away from it. I've also been taking some homeopathic remedies for a couple of months. I explained to the homeopath (he is a very kind man who I have been seeing for a long time now so he knows my history and family problems) that I find it virtually physically impossible to talk about the sexual abuse - my voice literally goes and I can't get the words out. I also find it hard to switch from busy, juggling all the balls mum to sitting talking about myself for an hour. So he gave me something to try and help with that and I do feel that I can speak more openly and honestly with this lady than I could have done before. Although we haven't talked about the sexual abuse yet so we will see what happens with that.
It does feel like a shift in the right direction, what I am noticing now is such a deep sense of loss and sadness. I feel utterly bereft and alone. I am trying to just sit with it and look after myself nicely but I do find it hard! But I took my son to the cinema yesterday, a silly kids film which was just what I needed! We had cake and hot chocolate and then a mini adventure when the door to the carpark was locked and I thought we wouldn't be able to get the car out. But a nice man directed us to a different entrance so all was well. We're going on a day trip tomorrow and we'll have lunch out as a little treat. I find it easier to treat myself if I do it through him - silly, isn't it?
Bones, I wish you could talk to her too! I feel quite safe around her, which is nice.
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Bonesie (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm not sure if this lady is shifting things quicker or if I am just in a more ready place to do things and change things, but my attitudes and expectations with friends are changing rapidly.
I think I mentioned on another thread how many people reach out to me for help or support and how few people I have that I can reach out to. I made a sort of mental list in my mind of people who genuinely don't have anyone else and those who do, along with people who are currently experiencing truly terrible problems (my friend with cancer, for example) and those who are having difficult times but who perhaps could do more about those themselves or who could reduce/limit contact with the difficult people who cause those situations (most of the others). I decided to return the calls/texts/emails of the latter of each group only after I have done everything I want to do along with all the necessary day to day jobs that just keep life a little more ordered. I have so much to do each day that it is usually exercise or having a nice bath that gets dropped whilst I spend time on other people's problems. So I am trying to stop doing that.
The situation has occurred twice in the last two days - situations involving friends that I would usually leap into but, as they have other support and the situations aren't life threatening, I decided to leave it and will get back to them in a few days. I've been amazed at how intense the physical reactions have been to this - physically shaking, tightly clenched fists, feeling sick, foggy headed, anxious, tearful. I can only think it links back to being little and displeasing my mum. It's quite shocking but I'm going to keep trying to do it - I'm thinking reactions that strong can't be a good thing and I need to break those habits? I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for your support here, everybody xx
Twoapenny:
Am going from feeling euphoric at the revelations that I can change to feeling really low and scared at the reality of it. The house is utterly silent, my son is still asleep, I feel restless, the phone just looks at me as if it's shouting "No-one likes you! That's why no-one rings". And now I'm changing things again even fewer people will ring. But I think perhaps I've got to a point where I've felt any contact is better than no contact but I really want so much more than that now. :?
Twoapenny:
My co-dependency issues really smacked me in the face yesterday. I felt so wretched because I haven't done what I know would please these two particular friends that the urge to ring them and make it all right was overwhelming. I felt so small and alone and had a real ball of fear in my stomach. I can only think back to being little and my mum ignoring me for days because I did something wrong, and it was always something small that I should have 'known' but didn't. Then I'd try so hard to be nice to her and make her talk to me again; eventually she would and only then would I feel okay. The relief was huge.
We went out in the afternoon and there was a lady who I 'know'; she has mental health and learning difficulties and lives in sheltered accommodation near us and spends most of her time wandering round the shopping centre. She's very sweet but very confused and has the mind of a child. She was upset about something - I'm not really sure what - but I focused on her and all those bad feelings went away. Then I spent the afternoon eating and they stayed away.
So I really saw it for the first time yesterday; it's quite clear to me now why I go to such lengths to avoid upsetting or annoying people and why I spend so much time faffing around on things that help other people rather than me. I would always help out someone like the lady with learning difficulties but it quite shocked me how doing that made all those bad feelings vanish instantly and it made it very clear why I have focused so much on doing things for others.
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