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New T

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Meh:
:)

Twoapenny:
Third session with T.  We were talking about a couple of situations involving friends over the last week.  My problems with people I don't really enjoy seeing anymore, my difficulties in being assertive, my feelings of not being heard and having to keep explaining myself over and over again (esp re my son's disability).

Her responses (paraphrasing here) "If you don't want to spend time with someone just tell them you're busy.  There doesn't have to be a dramatic event or a reason or any justification on your part - simply say, I'm sorry, we're really busy and I don't have any free time at the moment and leave it at that".  Simple but for some reason this has never seemed to me to be a reasonable thing to do.  She's told me to practise!

Being assertive - there was a situation in the week where I was a little bit more assertive than usual but because the response was negative I didn't know what to do next and it ended rather badly.  It involved a friend selling something on my behalf and the recipient being difficult about paying.  T pointed out that instead of using the friend as a go between I could have asked for the number of recipient and dealt with it myself.  Again, very simple but it hadn't occurred to me.  She pointed out that friend was trying to help (genuinely) and as so few people do that for me I should focus on those who do!  All made sense but again, out of my range of 'normal' reactions.  Have apologised to friend and thanked her for her help, she's apologised for being short with me and the money has been sorted out so win win situation.

Not being heard - she's said to focus on people who do hear and not to invest too much time on those who won't.  Not to keep explaining or repeating myself.  I've done that before in openly abusive situations (family , for example) but the situations I'm in now are more subtle and I just hadn't seen it in the same way.

So helpful things, ways of dealing with the here and now, getting myself out of situaitons without being angry or causing a big rumpus.  Help with moving healthy relationships forward and getting over obstacles.  I am a happy Tupp :)

BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hopalong:
WOW.
Those are massive insights, Tupp.
Even the pain and fear...you have spotted such a direct and obvious connection, that it's worth riding those tough feelings out. This is how you get to RELEASE them...let them rise up and pass through, maybe quite a few times...and those damn reactions just get bored.

You're not "feeding" them any more. You are rising up YOURSELF, your deeper yearning-for-wholeness self is rising up, and refusing to be cowed into "obeying" those old-child feelings, and insisting on holding in your very functional mind...the bigger goal.

Keep your eyes on the prize, that true change is settling in! Be patient with yourself. Be very kind to yourself. Practice your assertiveness behaviors even if they feel weird. Practice means, you can make them become a natural part of you. It's just repetition. That's all it is...and it works!

So delighted for you,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Thank you, Bones, and Hops :)

I'm finding I'm feeling quite low again now.  That seems to be the pattern that's coming with this - feeling good, then it sinks in and all falls and settles a bit, then it levels off.  The good thing is I've been coping with highs and lows for years so I know how to manage it and I know it will pass in time.

Re the item that I was selling; I ended up getting less money than I thought I was so I wasn't entirely happy about the situation and felt cheated.  I thought about it a lot and decided to let it go; it wasn't worth the emotional input on my part, one person involved would get upset (and it isn't her fault either) and the third is an arsehole.  It's a relatively small amount of money so although I felt very angry and put out I've decided to put it down to experience and not to involve third parties in future financial things!

I have noticed I tend to ask people to ask people for me; I realised I'm quite scared of calling people directly when I know someone who knows them.  I really don't know why this is but it's something I'd never noticed before so I'm going to stop doing that.

I also think I need to work on my feelings of being ignored.  My reactions to that are very, very strong so there is something there that I need to think about and deal with.

Hops, I'm relieved to hear that the emotions come up and eventually stop doing so.  I do find it quite tiring, I can see why reverting back to the old behaviour is easier (and why I've done it so much).  It feels a bit like moving house, you know when you have to explore a new area and find out where the shops are, where your nearest bank is, that sort of thing.  It's a bit like that only with people and feelings rather than places.  I hope you're both doing okay xx

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