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unpleasant thoughts about D

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Hopalong:
Thank you all, so VERY much.
These comments were enormously helpful.
It's going to take me a while to digest them, but I will.

Izzy, you are so sane. I believe the process you went through brought you to the right conclusion, and that comforts me (whatever my conclusion becomes). You have huge clarity and you have boiled things down to what matters.

TT, the legacy with stringent access is probably the rightest direction. My lawyer is ready to help me with a trust. It could be a "special needs" trust, or just a straightforward one, with strings. As he'll be my executor, I can just direct him to disperse funds (not that there'll be much) directly to her payees. Like, she may be continually drowning in student debt, even in her 50s or later, so however old I am when I go, that might be a great burden to lift. Or, perhaps just a stipend that is only for living expenses. I think overall, it's better for her to work.

Tupp, your comments support me in the desire to also hold a part for those things that express my love for this world, and for many people. Token or tiny, I do want to leave a few bits to further those bigger-picture things. If I let love lead me, I'll probably find the way to write it up.

And thanks, Lighter. You're right, her bipolar disorder makes her character stuff erupt worse, and given that, she simply needs help that she won't accept now. So for that, I can leave her a gift that will help in some way...and feel good about that regardless of her NC.

Skep, the thing you've forgotten is that my D is NC. She does not speak to me, respond to anything. So there is no way I can ask her any question. Unfortunately. She is so financially desperate that it's not about sentimental heirlooms, it's about what can/should I leave her (if there's anything left one day, which is frighteningly unsure, given how little I'll be living on) -- to help her? It's not about "stuff." Unfortunately, I can't take your suggestion of asking her anything because she does not acknowledge my existence. Thanks for the good wish though.

love to all.
Hops

gratitude28:
Hops,
I haven't read all the answers to you yet... but here is my thought. And please understand I'm a "tough love" kind of person. Your daughter will NEVER create a life for herself if she has the hope/idea that you will be leaving her money and comfort once she sheds you. I am seeing this with NM now - she is stingier and more self-centered than ever now that she is comfortable. I don't know that not leaving her money will change anything, but it seems to me that there might be some hope in that case that she will attempt to create a real life and become in some way responsible for herself.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can't imagine how hard it is. I hope you can transfer some love to your little mutt. It must be hard to have suffered through so many years of unreturned love.
Sending you a huge hug and I hope you don't mind my harsh opinion.
Love, Beth

sKePTiKal:
Ah yes... the obvious log I tripped over was huge, wasn't it??

Bleh. Some days...

:(

Hopalong:
S'okay, PR. That time o' year, and I still trip over this particular log.
But I'm doing better.

My blessed T was a huge help. Walked him through my dislike of my
own vengeful thoughts, we got to the hurt under the anger, then we
got to the sadness under the hurt, I felt it and released a lot of it, then
the door opened for my compassion to come back in.

I love my daughter and her travails and even her meanness make me
more sad than angry. Angry is the surface of the hurt, the hurt's below
that, and once I let the hurt come and go...I'm back to my setpoint,
which is: I love her, I know how she is both suffering things she cannot
help and harming herself with things perhaps she could change--and
either way, compassion is the bottom line I can live with.

I am pretty certain that ultimately, my choices about my wee leavings
will be based in that compassion. I hope so, anyway.

All her losses are bigger than my wishes. And I understand that.
She needs help and what I she cannot receive from me now, I can
give her in some way then. There'll be nothing to stop me also leaving her
the sort of letter that will make clear how big love is (bigger than us
both), and how nothing she did or ever will do will change that. I am
human and I am sorrowful I've (for now) lost her, but I can still express
the love I feel.

What I hope most is that she will one day release the shame and self-
loathing, and find help and courage in equal measure, to let herself
be happy.

love
Hops

lighter:
Hops:
I'm glad you've processed the harder feelings, and come back to center.
Lighter

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