Author Topic: The Same  (Read 2854 times)

sfalken

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The Same
« on: February 04, 2014, 04:30:49 PM »
I see many of the same people and some of the same topics here. I thought I would write again too. It's been a long time.

I buckled this last year, and at some point, I decided to do the impossible - to try once more to have some sort of semi-peace with my Nmother and father. We went to a couple dinners, and I even was able to take my father out fishing - for one surreal day in the sun on my favorite Great Lake last summer. It was beautiful - and I was shocked my mother let him off the leash for that long.

By the second dinner, (my son's birthday) it was clear to me that my mother's fake image of wanting peace was crumbling. In the midst of the dinner, my son - tried to talk with her 3-4 times, and was met with grandma quite boldly blowing him off and talking to someone else. At the end of that dinner, she stopped everyone from talking, and blurted out her displeasure with my daughter for blocking her on facebook, and then cast the blame on me (which it is not - I encourage my children to have a voice and make their own decisions). When I said that it wasn't the time or place, she reasserted her statement, and ended and ruined my son's birthday dinner.

In the weeks that followed, she became uber irritating - asking me for pictures of the children - so that she could put them online and pretend to be a proper grandmother, which she is not. And then, as usual, her cockiness got worse before the holidays, and following a short exchange of messages between her and I on facebook (nothing bad on my part I think - but I did respectfully disagree with her pushing her family at me in the conversation and some of the lies she was telling - were met with bold truth). Then she reached her goal. She said, "maybe having me as a facebook friend is too much for you?", and I told her she was right, and blocked her, for my own sanity. That night, my father's phone sent me a text saying to never contact them again as long as I live until I apologize for my tone toward my mother. Which at 40, I find quite laughable to be addressed like I am 8.

When I say she reached her goal - I mean that, it is her goal to ruin the holidays, so that we dont see one another, and she doesnt have to put any real energy into anything - and then, for her to turn around and act like a victim, and to characterize me, as a villain. That's the un-merry go round I've been riding since birth.

But wait, there's more!

On Christmas, I received texts from her asking if we would be allowing them to speak to or call our children. When I reminded her that they had said we should have no contact, she said that my father never said that, and that I was being dramatic. She continued to text me for the last month with similar requests, and I continued to respond the same way - until I got a note the other night saying "I'm sorry you cannot let this go." and then a bunch of Oprah babble about relationships, etc. - which she knows nothing about.

So I sat on the couch the other night, and I told my wife, "I'm ready to grow up". "I'm ready to break the cycle". After 40 years. And I blocked them from calling or texting me, permanently. Which I have never done.

Its the same thing I wrote here years ago. The same un-merry go round. You get on with the conscious intent of finding some kind of better peace in the relationship, and the N puts up a fake image of wanting to "work on it". Then the N begins to crumble when they dont get whatever compulsive thing they are really looking for or obsessed with in reality - and their real face begins to show. Then you get tired of the N and begin to get irritated and speak your mind and set limits. Then the N calls you a villain, cuts ties, pretends to be a victim, and blames you for everything to their adoring fans. Then you remain quiet until, the N tries to come back and tell you that whatever just happened, didn't happen. When you remind them of reality, they blame you again, and act like a victim. <Repeat>

Its mind boggling, really. I shouldn't be surprised - but I am glad to write here. Thanks for listening.

lighter

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Re: The Same
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2014, 05:48:42 PM »
::Waving::

Hi sfalken...... it's been a while.

I'm glad to see you;'re back.

Sorry to read you've been struggling, and unable to create a sustainable relationship with your parents.

They're broken.

They can';t do any better, or they would.

You deserved better, and they'll never be able to give that to you.

It's unfair, and I'm glad you've adjusted your expectations and found some closure.

((sfalken))

Lighter



BonesMS

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Re: The Same
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2014, 07:37:39 PM »
((((((((((((((((sfalken)))))))))))))))
Back Off Bug-A-Loo!

sfalken

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Re: The Same
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2014, 11:06:48 PM »
Thanks guys.

It just sucks. The normal human side of me - the one that normal healthy people have - wanted to reach out to them, but the side of me that knows them realized once again, after being beaten by them again, that they are not normal. Having been through so much, even I fell prey to it again.

I am glad for that day in the sun that I had with my dad last summer. I think someday when someone tells me that his time has come to an end - that is the day I will think about.

Actually, I spend a lot of time thinking about what will happen when I hear of their end at some point - if they should go before me. But why? Rationally, I know that I will not have anything to do with it, but my heart has not gotten the message to separate from that thought yet.

It's funny. The mind is wired hard for some things. It is pretty difficult to rewire.

Twoapenny

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Re: The Same
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2014, 04:19:35 AM »
Welcome back, Sfalken.

I'd echo what Lighter said.  I have found it easier as the years have gone on, they are what they are and there is no changing that.  I try to think of it like people speaking different languages - if there's  no inclination on their part to change, amend or adapt then there's is little more you can do then walk away.  Abuse is abuse is abuse, people often don't see it that way if it isn't physical but those mind games and constant denials etc are exhausting to deal with and used to leave me wondering if I was going crazy.  It's not a good place to be.

You're doing the right thing for your kids; we have to lead by example where our children are concerned and I find that useful now.  Would I encourage my son to accept this kind of behaviour?  The answer is no, so that helps me walk and keep on walking.

Keep checking in, people are here for you :)

mudpuppy

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Re: The Same
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 10:54:53 AM »
Quote
Its mind boggling, really.

Google or Bing "Karpman Triangle" and it will be less mind boggling.
Now, I don't adhere to everything or even a lot of what the Transactional  Analysis dopes say (I'm OK, you're OK,  and everybody is at heart humble but lovable, like the world is just chock full of little, misunderstood Underdogs) but, in describing how in the relationship you describe there is a victim, a persecutor and a rescuer they come pretty close to the truth.

Hope you can remain strong and mitigate the damage they do to your family, who after all are your responsibility; as opposed to your idiot parents who are not.

mud

sfalken

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Re: The Same
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2014, 09:17:53 PM »
I looked into the Karpman Triangle and was impressed - thank you. I will be studying that more. I was also impressed by this, this evening: blacksheepagain.blogspot.com/2009/11/psychological-profiles.html

I would say that this triangle, situation of destructive narcissistic and co-enabler parents, and even - the concept of my mother as a scapegoater - as the link describes, is all interwoven. It i SO complicated, and so deep, yet to the passerby, it is nothing. Only the person who lives it, knows it's significance.

Only the adult who in the workplace views himself as less than equal to his peers, and realizes that he is living proof of the situation he was born into. The person who has trouble speaking to others and looking at their eyes when a conversation takes place.

I would go so far as to say that my mother bears a stark resemblance to a physical abuser. She was and is - very good at playing the victim, the charismatic personality when needed for her audiences, and making me (her special target) feel isolated and like no one else could ever understand, thus keeping me quiet for years and years, until I woke up and dared to speak.

Dared to speak.

That's all it took. I opened my mouth and a voice came out, and then; rage ensued, for years.

And I know that even in my absence, I am being tried in absentia, and proven guilty day after day. Its her only way to get supply from me, without a connection.

Hopalong

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Re: The Same
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2014, 07:28:26 AM »
Quote
Dared to speak.

That's all it took. I opened my mouth and a voice came out, and then; rage ensued, for years.

I can relate to this, SFalken. It's exactly what happened with my Nbrother.
I spoke up directly (no shouting) for myself...once. The first time.
I looked at him (in my 50s) one day and said, Stop bullying me.

By the end of it, I'd spent two years and thousands defending myself in court,
because from that moment of "voice" onward, he intended to destroy me.

(Fortunately, I "won." But at quite a cost--and I don't mean the money.)

I'm glad you're standing up for yourself and urge you to begin intentionallly
asking yourself what love is. And where it is.

Where it isn't, it isn't.

Hard as that is to accept, sometimes it's just not there, in biofamily.
Or not in adequate volume to maintain the life of connection.

Once you do open your mind to that truth, look around.
For love that IS available. Take yourself and your family there...

Don't spend your life like a little moth batting yourself to death against
the window glass because you see a candle on a table inside.

Fly around a little. There's streetlamps, and bonfires, and northern lights,
and fireflies. Be the moth who goes adventuring with fireflies....

Okay. Metaphor overkill. But do go find where love IS, rather than
where it SHOULD be. (You can forgive people along the way but
don't stop your own journey to keep looking back....)

'Kay?
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sfalken

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Re: The Same
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2014, 12:25:17 PM »
That's a great metaphor, and a great visualization. Thanks ;-)

I may have mentioned it a while ago, but I think of that day that I finally began to speak up like my personal declaration of independence, and the years that followed, as my personal revolution.

After the fighting stops and the smoke clears, even if you achieve your goals and win the battlefield, or larger - the war - you still feel the damage you incurred in the fight. You see the fallen around you, and you know that even though you are positioned better for the future, what you've gone through to get where you are, has taken it's toll and it will stay with you for good.

But, it had to happen. Somewhere in the course of human events, the oppressed have to stand up if they want to be free.

So it's a bitter sweet freedom. I have my family, and many positive facets to my life, but I will always carry that memory - of where I came from, and what was lost. I'm sure many of those here can relate.

I'm not so much complaining - as much as I am commiserating and thinking about the forward path. Thinking about those fireflies and street lamps.

lighter

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Re: The Same
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2014, 08:55:14 PM »
Quote
Dared to speak.

Don't spend your life like a little moth batting yourself to death against
the window glass because you see a candle on a table inside.

Fly around a little. There's streetlamps, and bonfires, and northern lights,
and fireflies. Be the moth who goes adventuring with fireflies....

Okay. Metaphor overkill. But do go find where love IS, rather than
where it SHOULD be. (You can forgive people along the way but
don't stop your own journey to keep looking back....)

'Kay?
Hops

I really loved this post, Hops.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: The Same
« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2014, 07:48:07 AM »
Thanks, (((((((Lighter))))).

I understand, SFalken. I know you're not "stuck."
I too, will forever have an emotional limp. Big one.

I think it's okay. I lost a lot of innocence but I can still wonder.
I lost a lot of ability to trust but I can still love.

My expectations about love and family got peeled away until
there was nothing left. Something had to change, so I just
endured, kept going through the motions of healing (church,
friends, therapy) until in time, I saw that some healing had
taken place. Also changed my idea of family.

The rest of my life is going to be a lot quieter. I found out
I can't force anything or fix anything that is not mine to fix.
Even with love. I lost some faith, too. I'm sad about that.

So I got a dog. We are in a mutual N-supply loop.
Funny how great that is with a 20-pound extruded
length of fur that should've stopped 4 inches shorter.
She is officially The Cutest Dog in the...etc. And I, with
my Nspots, am some sort of Goddess. When I come home,
it's a revelation every night that I can produce such gladness.

Good enough.

:)
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."