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The Same

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mudpuppy:

--- Quote ---Its mind boggling, really.
--- End quote ---

Google or Bing "Karpman Triangle" and it will be less mind boggling.
Now, I don't adhere to everything or even a lot of what the Transactional  Analysis dopes say (I'm OK, you're OK,  and everybody is at heart humble but lovable, like the world is just chock full of little, misunderstood Underdogs) but, in describing how in the relationship you describe there is a victim, a persecutor and a rescuer they come pretty close to the truth.

Hope you can remain strong and mitigate the damage they do to your family, who after all are your responsibility; as opposed to your idiot parents who are not.

mud

sfalken:
I looked into the Karpman Triangle and was impressed - thank you. I will be studying that more. I was also impressed by this, this evening: blacksheepagain.blogspot.com/2009/11/psychological-profiles.html

I would say that this triangle, situation of destructive narcissistic and co-enabler parents, and even - the concept of my mother as a scapegoater - as the link describes, is all interwoven. It i SO complicated, and so deep, yet to the passerby, it is nothing. Only the person who lives it, knows it's significance.

Only the adult who in the workplace views himself as less than equal to his peers, and realizes that he is living proof of the situation he was born into. The person who has trouble speaking to others and looking at their eyes when a conversation takes place.

I would go so far as to say that my mother bears a stark resemblance to a physical abuser. She was and is - very good at playing the victim, the charismatic personality when needed for her audiences, and making me (her special target) feel isolated and like no one else could ever understand, thus keeping me quiet for years and years, until I woke up and dared to speak.

Dared to speak.

That's all it took. I opened my mouth and a voice came out, and then; rage ensued, for years.

And I know that even in my absence, I am being tried in absentia, and proven guilty day after day. Its her only way to get supply from me, without a connection.

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---Dared to speak.

That's all it took. I opened my mouth and a voice came out, and then; rage ensued, for years.
--- End quote ---

I can relate to this, SFalken. It's exactly what happened with my Nbrother.
I spoke up directly (no shouting) for myself...once. The first time.
I looked at him (in my 50s) one day and said, Stop bullying me.

By the end of it, I'd spent two years and thousands defending myself in court,
because from that moment of "voice" onward, he intended to destroy me.

(Fortunately, I "won." But at quite a cost--and I don't mean the money.)

I'm glad you're standing up for yourself and urge you to begin intentionallly
asking yourself what love is. And where it is.

Where it isn't, it isn't.

Hard as that is to accept, sometimes it's just not there, in biofamily.
Or not in adequate volume to maintain the life of connection.

Once you do open your mind to that truth, look around.
For love that IS available. Take yourself and your family there...

Don't spend your life like a little moth batting yourself to death against
the window glass because you see a candle on a table inside.

Fly around a little. There's streetlamps, and bonfires, and northern lights,
and fireflies. Be the moth who goes adventuring with fireflies....

Okay. Metaphor overkill. But do go find where love IS, rather than
where it SHOULD be. (You can forgive people along the way but
don't stop your own journey to keep looking back....)

'Kay?
Hops

sfalken:
That's a great metaphor, and a great visualization. Thanks ;-)

I may have mentioned it a while ago, but I think of that day that I finally began to speak up like my personal declaration of independence, and the years that followed, as my personal revolution.

After the fighting stops and the smoke clears, even if you achieve your goals and win the battlefield, or larger - the war - you still feel the damage you incurred in the fight. You see the fallen around you, and you know that even though you are positioned better for the future, what you've gone through to get where you are, has taken it's toll and it will stay with you for good.

But, it had to happen. Somewhere in the course of human events, the oppressed have to stand up if they want to be free.

So it's a bitter sweet freedom. I have my family, and many positive facets to my life, but I will always carry that memory - of where I came from, and what was lost. I'm sure many of those here can relate.

I'm not so much complaining - as much as I am commiserating and thinking about the forward path. Thinking about those fireflies and street lamps.

lighter:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 06, 2014, 07:28:26 AM ---
--- Quote ---Dared to speak.

Don't spend your life like a little moth batting yourself to death against
the window glass because you see a candle on a table inside.

Fly around a little. There's streetlamps, and bonfires, and northern lights,
and fireflies. Be the moth who goes adventuring with fireflies....

Okay. Metaphor overkill. But do go find where love IS, rather than
where it SHOULD be. (You can forgive people along the way but
don't stop your own journey to keep looking back....)

'Kay?
Hops

--- End quote ---

I really loved this post, Hops.

Lighter
--- End quote ---

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