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Work woes

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Twoapenny:
Never tedious, Hops, I think I'd have blown at him by now, he sounds awful.  Is it a small company?  I used to work for a small firm and it was sooooo toxic, way more than larger firms I'd worked for because, I think, it was much more like a family that you couldn't get away from (in the big firm people used to nod and say hello but other than that I used to go in, do my typing and then go home.  I preferred that!).

I hope he vanishes somewhere soon, he sounds like he needs his door blocking with a stack of self help books that he has to read before he can come back in the building :)

Hopalong:
That's perceptive, Tupp. You're right--28 employees. It's half family-owned (51% Nboss) but eventually will be all employee owned. That's one reason I hang in (the other is my age--would be very hard to find a replacement job with a prayer of retirement). Before he started the business, Nboss' family was an ashram with a corrupt guru. He left the ashram but brought the mind-games with him.

He really threw me under the bus letting Pman's abusiveness slide again -- in fact this time, he blamed me nearly overtly. Sent around a response saying we all can agree that the "commuication problem" began when I joined the company. Neutrally, that timeline is true but only in the sense that when I arrived, Pman hated me on sight and put me in his cross-hairs. Letting Nboss minimize it as a "communication problem" is mentioned in the literature as a classic technique. Euphemisms for emotional abuse, and also -- forcing the target to feel identified as "half the problem." I felt traumatized in the "meeting." That turned out to be a forced meditation session led by Nboss, crooning messages about how much we love the company, while I had to sit nearly knee with the two of them. It was followed by instructions to speak only of the present moment with no reference to anything past, and not to use any "labels." What that meant was--I could not talk about what I'd experienced nor say, I have been bullied. He silenced me. At the end of the meeting Pman gave a tiny smirk. I read it as, "Got away with it again, ha."

I realized that Nboss just plain loves Pman and is never going to stop the bullying. I have choices:
--commit to finding another job, any job, and get out asap--forfeit my company shares (major economic consequences for me)
--hang in there because there's a high possibility that when Nboss does retire, he'll choose my good colleague as CEO. That colleague is smart, reasonable, and my friend. He can't take on my battle in this moment, because he's in the position of being "tested" as a competitor against Pman for the eventual successor (CEO) position. It's extremely obvious Pman would make a lousy CEO, but Nboss is going through the motions of considering them both anyway because he has to secure Pman's ongoing adoration. (N-supply.)

Last night, because I had to speak up for myself in some way, I sent Nboss a memo that briefly reviewed the history of this behavior and failed attempts to stem it, and a proposal that we add anti-bulling policy language to our employee manual. I pointed out the many lost days over the years we'd spent in a variety of efforts and all had failed. I stated that telling a bullying target they may not speak of their experience, or forcing them to participate in intimate meetings or exercises with the bully is blaming the victim and continuing an atmosphere of abuse tolerance. I included links to literature about workplace bullying.

He will likely dismiss it (and be angry with me). At the same time, by sending it, I've put him on notice that I can speak, and that I believe it is what it is. The obligation is on him, not me, to correct these conditions. He won't -- but what's different from years ago is that I now have allies (my two teammates, at the least). As enmeshed as he is with Pman, I don't think Nboss wants to lose me either.

He probably has some fears that I will "blow the whistle" and he knows I can write. So, perhaps I have a little more power than I think. I am assuming that as I get older he will continue to marginalize me. And his misogyny is leaking out a lot more these days. BUT. Young Gman (for "good man"--my MBA colleague who will likely become CEO) is still there. And Nboss needs him more than Pman, really. With allies like Gman and our Art Director, both of whom have validated and supported me (privately, but I do not blame them, they have to protect their own positions too) ... I am not as lone in the situation as I was for the first 5 years.

I am very sick of this cycle. And it does feel like PTSD when it happens. On the other hand, I am also stronger in ways. I do push back. I do advocate for what is right as best I can.

I hate the stress and adrenalin and trauma of having to re-fight this fight. The literature also says, once you're targeted and it's clear a boss won't fix it...you may as well leave. But I don't have that luxury.

So, on it goes. Thanks for listening.

love
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

I'm so glad you have allies who can help you feel less alone when you're being pulled under the stairs..... ((((Hops.))))

You're still getting pulled under the stairs....

but at least there are witnesses who aren't cheering, or pretending it didn't happen, kwim?

lighter

Meh:
Yah stressful as all heck. Sigh. Not sure what to say.

There is not much to do except to get your biotch on and tell him to shut it.

It's a messed up game, where you have to continue to be polite and cordial and productive etc.   and they keep going around with the non-sense.

I think these situations mainly get resolved by dirty means not that it's your style or an option for you though war is war.

Good luck with whatever happens.

sea storm:
Hops:

I can't understand how people could be anything but kind to you. No kidding.  it just goes to show it does not matter how nice you are and how insightful and well read etc there are going to be people who would delight in sinking your boat.

I don't think there is anything you can do to change those rascals and thieves ( energy suckers) except leave and you can't always do that. Protect yourself somehow so you don't get chest pains. No one cares at work if you die at your desk. It is just  " Next please" for them.

I gave up working and went on disability because of PTSD.  It was fully supported by my psychiatrist.  I felt bad about this but it allowed me to get back to myself. And be content again.

There is nothing you can do about your daughter. Although it seems contrary to nature and being a mom to let go it is ok to do this and see what happens.  You can still love her and it will still help but you don't deserve to stand around and get beaten up. Either verbally, financially, emotionally et al.  There is a bright spark in you and such a poet. You can go to dark places but you are a torch bearer.

I will never forget how much your support helped me.

Sea storm

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