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Struggling

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Twoapenny:
Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't posted much recently.  I've really been struggling.  I've been trying to keep my head clear by avoiding forums - partly because I wanted to concentrate on my own thoughts and not be influenced by others, partly because I know one of my coping mechanisms is to ignore my own problems and fix other people's.

My head's a bit jumbled so this post may well be, too! Forgive me.

I am coming to the conclusion that I have many aspects to my personality, as I'm sure most of us do.  Some is the real me - the deep down inside, this is who I am, this is what makes my heart sing stuff.  Some is the me that we all have to be day to day - getting on with the chores, doing the stuff we don't like doing but have to in order to keep the house running and put food on the table.  Some is the damaged me - the bits that I'm aware of,  that I work on, the bits that I have to stop and think about when I'm deciding what to do, what to say and how to say it.  Some of it is the fake me, the part that had to smile, cheer and just make out that nothing bad had ever happened.  Some is the numb it all out me, drugs of choice these days being caffeine, sugar and keeping busy.  Some of it is the utterly terrified, oh so scared part of me that is so deep down inside that I do wonder if she'll ever be able to come out and, if she does, I wonder if I'll be able to help her?  Some of it is the part that desperately needs outside validation but that keeps going to the wrong people for it!  Some of it is the me that has given up hope and doesn't think life has a lot to offer.

A really big part of me is being a mum, and, although there is a lot that I think I've done well, I am very aware that there is a huge hole in his life because I CAN'T DO RELATIONSHIPS!  I can do it with him - mum/son is fine - but I haven't modelled any adult to adult relationships with him, because I simply don't have any.  The most interaction he sees me have with another human being are odd nights when a friend comes over and we sit in the kitchen chatting.

It's a crossroads, I think.  I've been saving hard and working hard, and this year we should be able to move to a better area.  The paperwork - that enormous legacy bequeathed by my mum - will finally be finished this year and, whatever happens, that huge destructive chunk will be filed under the 'storage' tag and I won't need to keep looking at it.  I am starting to look at ways of getting back to work as my son gets older and I can start having a life of my own to some extent.  And I suspect all of that is part of what's making everything else rear up again.  I always panic and run for the hills when life is on a good curve.  I realised this week that I've left myself in a sort of limbo.  Whatever I did was criticised - do badly and get slagged off for that, do well and you're up yourself/snobby/who does she think she is.  And I realised I still spend so much of my time trying to be good - but not too good.  It's maddening.

I'm really, really tired.  I'm trying to eat well but keep falling off the wagon.  I have done a bit in the garden and it looks nice now.  Things are moving in the right direction, but I feel like I'm pushing up a really steep hill and the top's a long way off.

Thank you for reading and letting me get it all out xx

BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Meh:
Heya yousy twosy, read it... :)    Sigh...yeah.  Sometimes one just needs to get stuff wrote on down and out in plain view.

Hopalong:
Scared + tired. Of course you are.
And you have a move coming up, which is challenging but WONDERFUL.
You will be in a better area and NOT across the street from your meanest critic!
(I remember being stunned when I realized she was...Right...There....)

But moving is also stressful and you see the clock ticking, and change/growth
in your son, etc.

Do you have any sense of what his adult life circumstances will be?
Is there any way there can be a different picture, other than you living
alone with your son forever? You love him enough to do that, of course.
But if he could live in a positive, well run adult group home, it might be
better for him (and for you--so this isolation you drift into wouldn't become
permanent). I don't know what your community or personal options are.

Once you're away from there, I bet the daily effort of
wearing a "good" mask will be less stressful. You might even sit back
in a cozy armchair by your sunny window and it might occur to you....
Huh. My face feels better. Or... I guess I've been "good" all along.
Or, if you're thinking of some critical remark, just... Too bad they think
that way. But it's not about me. Provincialism is nasty sometimes.

One thought about what you've modeled for your son....you know,
seeing a parent peaceably chatting at the kitchen table with another
adult. That's modeling. And isn't it better to model something simple?
Some people model screaming/drinking/violence/gambling/addiction
for their children. You're mad at yourself for modeling mild introversion?

Feh. He's smart and watching the world. Be good to get him into whatever
activities DO help kids with special needs learn to relate, I think. But how
is that all on you?

It's like you have a list of ways in which you are not perfect or don't
have control. Not a kind way to design your self-talk but believe me,
I know what a massive struggle it is to learn to just ease up on yourself.

You do know everybody has dark thoughts at times, and most of us
have a shadow side, and it's not abnormal to feel conflict between
public and private selves? And a whole lot of culture and childhood religion
teach us to mistrust, loathe, judgejudgejudgejudge ourselves and everybody
else?

Lastly...what sort of work do you think you'll likely do? I think work is
a great idea for you. Even part time. It's a gift to focus outward more.
And if you ever had your own small business, I believe you'd do extremely
well and lift yourself right out.

I think about the British class system, still, now and then. It's here in
small-town America. But a small business changes everything because anyone
who can make, create, write, do math...can these days earn money at it.
You write and communicate SO well I could see you with a nice website,
selling something straightforward but in a charming way....

The running-scared staying-busy could turn into more of building-something,
planning-a-life kind of thing.

love
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Penny dear, you're in a better place than you realize, I think.
All of those "yous" are aspects of "you"... all equally important "ingredients" to the final YOU.

As you continue validating the parts that are healing - they'll pop out on their own, just because they're feeling emboldened; and FREE.

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. No one will run shrieking away, no one but you will notice that the "voice" came from a different part of you; one that's been silent for a long, long time.

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.

As you start building a new "nest" and meeting new people and trusting "this much" with them until you get to know them better... it will be OK now and you're ALLOWED to have pretties, and flowers, and friends NOW...

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.

And eventually, you'll stop expecting it to.

BIG HUGS... and happy first day of spring!... bring on the BUNNIES!!!

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