Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Struggling
Hopalong:
Tupp--
Your description of that college for your son, and of the move for you...sounds PERFECT.
I don't completely, entirely understand what paperwork barriers there are (though I know
it all had to do with false accusations your mother made about you years ago that you've
spent ages trying to correct in the record). But I'm really glad you have someone helping
you sort it through.
Fingers, and all toes crossed that this WORKS.
xo
Hop
lighter:
Tupp:
I'm thinking of you, and wishing you all the luck in the world for a new move, and wonderful school situation for your son.
lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on March 21, 2014, 07:35:23 AM ---Penny dear, you're in a better place than you realize, I think.
All of those "yous" are aspects of "you"... all equally important "ingredients" to the final YOU.
As you continue validating the parts that are healing - they'll pop out on their own, just because they're feeling emboldened; and FREE.
AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. No one will run shrieking away, no one but you will notice that the "voice" came from a different part of you; one that's been silent for a long, long time.
AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.
As you start building a new "nest" and meeting new people and trusting "this much" with them until you get to know them better... it will be OK now and you're ALLOWED to have pretties, and flowers, and friends NOW...
AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.
And eventually, you'll stop expecting it to.
BIG HUGS... and happy first day of spring!... bring on the BUNNIES!!!
--- End quote ---
Thank you, Skep, you are right.
It has never been okay for me to have an opinion. Or a thought, or a feeling or a desire or a need. I've been criticised for every single thing I've ever done and for some reason the enormity of it all only hit me fairly recently. Isn't it funny how you can have something in your life for decades without realising it, and then suddenly it's so in your face that you can't figure out how you never saw it before?!
So yes, you are absolutely right. There are parts of me that are finally sticking their heads out above the sand and saying "Hey! Do this! It's fun!" I feel almost like I've been programmed to feel I don't deserve to have a nice life. So things happening - positive, proactive, useful things - still feel odd. But yep, it's clearing, things are settling, I'm feeling stronger and moving in the right direction (although at times that means not actually doing much. It's funny how much happens when you don't do anything?).
Thank you. And yes, it's spring! We have blossom and birds singing and you don't have to put three layers on the minute you get out of bed in the morning. It's good :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on March 21, 2014, 09:55:43 AM ---Hi Tupp:
The self reflection stuff, peeled down to the bone, is hard.
Just.
So.
Hard.
We're normally surrounded, as you say, keeping busy, being moms, and doing paperwork.....
then we get to the point where we can have outside contact, and, again....
it's hard..... it's change.
Choices.
Doing things imperfectly, which is sort'a tough, IMO. Esp the social, for introverts.
I've noticed, every hard place, leads to a better place, if that helps any.
The self reflection part, which I'm very familiar with RIGHT NOW, is a good thing, IMO.
I count it as a good sign, and aim to journal more.
I think it might help you put your thoughts in order, and file them away like your paperwork, too.
Going back, looking at where we were, seeing how far we've come, and officially putting things to bed after visiting it enough times, is easier when it's somewhere we can find it, without having to recall it when we think of it, or need it. To make sense of it, and put it in order.
Well, that's my two cents worth, but I will say.....
it makes me very hopeful to picture you gardening, and moving to a better place, away from your mum.
It sometimes feels empty when the pd's fall away, IME.
Change is just hard, even if it's good change, IME.
You're going to be fine, (((Tupp.)))
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thank you, Lighter, I know, change hurts even when it's good and for the right reasons. I sometimes get to a place where I don't appreciate the good things - I have a roof over my head, food, money, my boy, my health. Usually I focus on those things and that keeps everything in perspective but sometimes the crappy stuff just screams so loudly that I can't see anything else. But it's settling down again now.
The garden is starting to look nice! I'm just waiting on a man to come and fix the fence that got blown down in the storms and then it will really look homely again. I've put quite a lot of stuff in tubs so I can take it with me when we move.
The thing I find hard about reflection is having to acknowledge my own mistakes. I find being imperfect tough! I can see why people become blinded to their faults. But things are settling again, it feels like that particular storm is calming down for now. Able to focus on other, more positive things. How are things going for you now, did you hear any more about your in laws and their 'appeal'?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 29, 2014, 02:50:49 PM ---Tupp--
Your description of that college for your son, and of the move for you...sounds PERFECT.
I don't completely, entirely understand what paperwork barriers there are (though I know
it all had to do with false accusations your mother made about you years ago that you've
spent ages trying to correct in the record). But I'm really glad you have someone helping
you sort it through.
Fingers, and all toes crossed that this WORKS.
xo
Hop
Hopsie, I don't entirely understand the paperwork situation myself!
The situation in the UK (it might be similar in the States) regarding disability is that the local authorities do their best to spend as little as possible on disabled people (adults and children alike). Having to fight for basic services - health care, education, employment, day care for adults etc - is common place and the most common way for local authorities to avoid paying is to claim that the needs of the person involved aren't as great as the family (or whoever it is representing them) claim them to be. On that note, it's quite common for someone to claim that x's problems wouldn't be so severe if the family didn't do x, y or z, or if they did a, b and c instead.
So to get what's needed you have to (a) really understand yourself what your child needs, (b) have evidence to support that - doctors, therapists, educational psychologists, whoever might have input, (c) have the energy to fight (the paperwork and beaurocracy are mind numbing and people can fight for years through various layers of appeals and tribunals) and (d) be ready to defend yourself against allegations that it's somehow your fault (child protection action is common when parents and experts don't agree on the best course of action and disabled adults are considered to be vulnerable and the state can intervene if they decide they want to). It is generally 'known' that starting protection proceedings is a good way of shutting families up and stopping them from fighting.
When my son was little I was still talking to my mum and confiding in her about my concerns about him and all the various doctors we were seeing. She was, in turn, contacting those doctors, telling them that it had been established that my son's problems were down to my abuse and neglect of him and that I was very good at disguising my illness as well as being an accomplished liar and liable to violence if challenged. None of this was true and they should have checked but they didn't. So I was going to appointments, telling the truth about what he could or couldn't do, they were assuming I was lying and there was nothing wrong with him and I had no idea any of it was happening.
Over time things got worse, I found out, etc etc and for the last seven years I've just avoided contact with people as much as possible (people I don't know and trust, that is).
So now we're in a situation where I don't have any up to date, medical information regarding my son so it's difficult to move forward with regards to working out what he'll need as he gets older. I can go to the relevant people, explain the situation and hope they do a good, objective job, take me at my word and focus on my son, which they may well do. Equally, they might do what they did last time, believe my mum's version, ignore me and, at best, not give my son a proper assessment and, at worst they might start proceedings to take him away.
So I feel I have to hedge my bets. If I can go to them armed with a full document that details every untrue thing she's told them and has as much evidence to support me as possible, then I feel I have a better chance of getting what's right for him. If I can get an injunction against her that would really help, as it means a judge has agreed that she's lying and she's dangerous. If it turns out my son has a legal case (due to doctors missing things because they didn't assess him properly) that would also help as he'd get compensation and then I can pay for the assessments privately and we just knock the system (and it's associated problems) out of the way. So I feel like I have to finish going through all those files, even if it ends up being a complete waste of time! I'm looking at them now, there's six more to go (I started with forty). :)
--- End quote ---
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