Thanks, TT. I had a surprisingly wonderful day Friday because I worked with my two
great colleagues...we're so on the same page. We had outside vendors making presentations
to us for several days that I was fascinated by and that helped me feel re-engaged. I realized
that one issue for me, partly ADD and partly just my mind...is that for me, boredom is a threat
I have to be careful about.
I need a lot of intellectual stimulation to keep motivated, and Nboss is frankly not bright
enough to hook me into his games. He fundamentally bores me. Once you learn the deep
details of NPD and know what's going on, the emptiness of that kind of mind just is, when
not in active destructive mode, just...really, really BORING. (His dance with Pman is partly
that the two of them are similar--shrewd and smart in some ways, but so bent and empty
in others--and I think you're right. It's partly two peacocks just playing with their powers.
On the other hand there is obvious psycho-sexual stuff between the two of them. Whether
they've ever acted on it or not isn't interesting to me. But Nboss' closeted sexuality really
does have a big impact on everything. He is obsessed with gender issues (always bringing
me magazine images to make remarks about the appearance or gender identity of a person
in a photograph). At a staff meeting, to show his sense of humour, he dressed in drag and
was profoundly convincing in the part. Nothing camp about it. And he was exhilarated and
excited about it for days. I could go on...but I don't care.
I feel sorry for him because I believe if the world (and his own mindset) allowed authenticity,
he could be a happy, pleasant...whatever. Doesn't matter one bit to me who he is internally.
I am extremely accepting of everybody's personal right to a private or public identity of
any kind. But because he's so twisted up from his background, he'll never be able to
reintegrate all the parts of himself, so he does slicing destructive things now and then
to others...(I got elected as the woman, the mother, the whatever) to offload the disowned
parts of himself.
Ick. I'm BORED with analysing and understanding him, too. So having a refreshingly
engaged and creating-something few days with my good colleagues was really fun.
I've comforted myself in recent weeks with watching a series called Damages, on Netflix.
The females are not perfect (the Glenn Close character is very morally compromised). But
what has been comforting or at least bracing, has been absorbing some of their power.
A delight to watch stories in which gender is irrelevant, and powerful women make
things happen. (Though they're creepy and I wouldn't befriend them in real life!)
Sounds silly, but it's been putting starch back in my spine. I think fantasy helps,
and ultimately, that's what writing is. Time for me to write write write...a memoir
or novel that draws on all this rich experience.
xo
Hops
