The core question asked by most on this message board seems to be, Does anyone know of a process I can implement to quickly heal the painful and crippling wounds inflicted upon my psyche by my parents, spouse, friend or employer? My experience says that cures don't come quickly, but I am willing to share portions of my experience with the hope that a statement, sympathetic idea, phrase or a bit of encouragement may have positive impact.
As you read my post, please keep in mind that I am a functioning whole person who is recounting her journey of recovery from being the child of a narcissistic parent.
A feud between me and my younger sister about four years ago prompted my search for answers to why my family was dysfunctional. Until then, I had spent my whole life thinking my sister and I simply had a personality clash. Also, I thought if I kept trying, eventually I'd find the missing ingredient in my approach to fostering love between us and we'd have the wonderful 'sisterly' relationship I'd always dreamed of. But something shrewd and malevalent always seemed to circumvent my comparitively puny overtures of loving friendship and all my efforts at establishing the healthy, loving relationship I so desired. My sister and I remain estranged.
Upon realizing that we were a dysfunctional family, I decided to do something about it. My idea was to identify our dysfunction, share my discoveries with my mother (my father is deceased) and siblings, propose corporate change, then live the rest of our lives in love-driven harmony. I was sure they would jump on my band wagon of discovery and recovery, rejoicing that someone had finally figured out why our negative behaviors which seemed normal to us were not normal at all. Though inexperienced, and extremely naive, my search efforts soon revealed a few significant markers for a yet unidentified mental disorder.
Then, about two years into my search, I overheard my mother utter the first, last and only ever, kind and seemingly heartfelt compliment to another human. That remark, You are the light of my life, made to a neighbor lady, who had come for a short visit, flung wide the doors of my denial. (I might add the neighbor lady deserved the kind words). No doubt, subconsciously, the few discoveries I'd made previously spured my unexpected response. Whatever the case, at once, her remark catapulted me into a raging sea of emotion. Desperate for relief from the emotional tumult and still believing that clear, forthright, candid, insightful communication would bring resolution, I approached my mother and tried to explain my hurt feelings and what I thought was at the root of our dysfunction. What a disaster! She couldn't have viewed me with more loathing if I'd sprouted horns right before her eyes. You'll think I'm as dumb as a box of rocks for trying again to present this offense in a way she could understand, but I did, several times, with increasingly disastrous results! Finally I accepted that it wasn't the way I explained the hurt I was feeling, but her own self-absorption and complete lack of empathy that prevented her from connecting with my hurt feelings and my desire to resolve what at the time, appeared to be one more in a series of family conflicts. However, a pattern seemed to be emerging and I added cold hearted to the list of dysfunctional traits I saw in my family. I still had no idea there was a name for what was wrong with us.
Predictably, recognizing my mother's cold-heartedness added fuel to my already lathered emotions. All I could think about was the remark, its meaning, why she had never spoken kindly and lovingly to me, my siblings or my father, moreover, what explanation was there for her lack of concern for our feelings? At this point you could say I flipped. My mind abandoned clear thinking for obsessive, one-track thinking and I couldn't stop it. Bizzare emotions overpowered and nearly destroyed what remained of my fractured psyche for I had no skills to handle them (I'd been denied emotional expression as a child). What was there to do with the anger, grief, and obssessive thinking? I was drowning in a hellish sea of unfamiliar emotions! For months a soul-pain that has to be akin to the sting of death relentlessly pierced my deepest parts. Dante's Inferno comes to mind!
One day, quite by accident, I discovered Dr.Grossman's essays on Voiceless Narcissism. His essays confirmed and expanded my understanding of the few things I'd uncovered on my own and much, much more and gave me a name for my dysfunction, voiceless narcissism. Frightened, and thinking I might be an incurable narcissist became my new obsession. I'd recover a little and then suffer a setback. Feelings of hopelessness and of being 'stuck' were common. I resented giving up my childhood. I hated it that I had no memories of growing up, only a few of what I call pictures in my mind with no memory attached to them. I didn't know what was happening to me nor did I realize I was in a process. All I could think of was the pain and anguish of the moment. The moments stretched into hours, days, weeks, then months and ultimately years.
Without warning, my innocent detour, taken to discover what was wrong with my family had plunged me into the neighborhood of my own mind, a shaky,unsafe place. My formerly astute pseudo-self had completely run out of resources for rescuing me and abandoned me there. My original dream of educating my mother and siblings about our dysfunction and facilitating corporate recovery was long gone. I was in survival mode.
Considering the severity of my emotional impairment back then, it amazes me that I remained proactive, but I did.
Internet searches on mental disorders, a good friend to whom I could bare my soul via email, self-help books (especially Dr. Phil's book, Self Matters) and perseverance nudged me slowly along my painful path. Knowledge, eked out in micro amounts, became power. Eventually the real me, who from infancy had crouched behind tightly closed doors, rose from the rubble demanding a voice and ready to fight. My recovery had begun.
My search for information continues, but my most recent and most valued resource is a group called Celebrate Recovery. Becoming a part of this small community of caring people has been salve for my soul. I can't emphasize too strongly the value of being involved in a small group of caring, empathetic people, especially those who for various reasons, like me (lack of financial resources), choose not to see a therapist.
This already long post reflects only a small part of my experience. Like most of you, I could write a book! Please indulge me a few more comments.
One thing we all know about narcissists is that they recklessly and regularly harvest the souls of others to nourish their own. Theories vary as to what causes narcissism. My experience fits dead center into Dr. Grossmans essay on Voiceless Narcissism. Affecting change and reclaiming my identity has been and remains just as difficult as he indicated it could be. My family's dysfunction is multi layered and does not necessarily fit under the one heading of narcissism although narcissism seems to be the over-riding disorder. Committment to spending the time, doing the hard work, telling ones-self the brutal truth, and taking ownership of ones' 'stuff' is vital to inward change. My cure involved the application of more than one psychological theory or model. The book, How People Grow authored by Doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend outlines four models for personal growth in the first chapter. Dr. Phil's book, Self Matters fits the outline of what they call the experiential model, a kind of emotional archaeology where you expose old memories and seek healing through prayer, imagery, or just discarding the pain. This model was particularly helpful to me.
Dysfunction will not relinquish its hold on us. We must do the relinquishing. My family has not abandoned its dysfunction, but my own behavioral changes automatically altered the way they treat me. I am no longer naive about narcissistic behavior, but neither am I unsympathetic. I believe compassion coupled with as much understanding as possible are in order for these I consider to be walking wounded. I love my sister. I love my mother, but I don't permit either of them to run or ruin my life now.
For those of you who feel helpless, hopeless, victimized, or stuck, don't give up. Keep at it, be proactive on any level you can muster. Look for a group where you can have an emotional blow-out, or talk intimately and confidentially to someone who understands. Read all of Dr.Grossman's essays. Go to the library, check out the books he recommends on the subject. Visit one of the great bookstores like Borders or Barnes and Noble, have a sandwich and something to drink while you read a good self-help book like one of Dr.Phil's. Get therapy. Don't just sit there, do something! You're worth it!
It's true, I put in some hard years getting to where I am and to be honest, most of the time I wanted to go back to the way it used to be, but this is a journey that once started shouldn't be abandoned. All the pain, all the obsessing, all the grief, all the disappointment, all the emptiness, all the heartache, all the lost years, all the lost memories, I experienced was worth it to be where I am now.
Events, especially those of the first four of my four and a half year journey were daunting. Reading backwards from later events it is clear that each step was necessary to break the chains that bound me to my narcissistic mother. I am grateful for healing and hope.
Thank you Dr.Grossman for the practical answers you've provided on the complex subject of narcissism.
