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Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
I haven't been here in a very long time.  But I have some early trauma that I need to write about and this is a safe place to do that.

I still struggle daily with severe paralysis but I am so much closer to the origins.  I don't want to live the rest of my life this way.  I have found a number of tools to use but I need to share my process.  In the past week I texted two friends to tell them that I was having a difficult couple of weeks.  One didn't respond and the other texted back, "OK."  Fortunately I am in a place where I know this is what I have normally received.  It tells me that they are not able to hear my pain.  At least here I can put my pain and struggle down into words and bring it out into the consciousness rather than let it continue to fester inside.

I have so much I need to do and I am determined to get some healing.

Being voiceless is one of my biggest wounds.  I had no voice in my earliest days - no one cared but worse I was the recipient for my father's animus and my mother's though they dispensed it in two very different ways.

Every minute of every day I live with a kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling associated with nothing specific.  My dreams are filled with rejection, fear, hiding.  Before I can get up I have to work through conversations with my inner self, reparenting with love and care.  I spend long hours avoiding normal chores because they bring intense feelings of doom, failure, rejection and punishment.  I know where this comes from and that is a major achievement but now I must find some healing.

I look forward to using this space to help myself heal.

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on May 22, 2014, 10:09:04 AM ---I haven't been here in a very long time.  But I have some early trauma that I need to write about and this is a safe place to do that.

I still struggle daily with severe paralysis but I am so much closer to the origins.  I don't want to live the rest of my life this way.  I have found a number of tools to use but I need to share my process.  In the past week I texted two friends to tell them that I was having a difficult couple of weeks.  One didn't respond and the other texted back, "OK."  Fortunately I am in a place where I know this is what I have normally received.  It tells me that they are not able to hear my pain.  At least here I can put my pain and struggle down into words and bring it out into the consciousness rather than let it continue to fester inside.

I have so much I need to do and I am determined to get some healing.

Being voiceless is one of my biggest wounds.  I had no voice in my earliest days - no one cared but worse I was the recipient for my father's animus and my mother's though they dispensed it in two very different ways.

Every minute of every day I live with a kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling associated with nothing specific.  My dreams are filled with rejection, fear, hiding.  Before I can get up I have to work through conversations with my inner self, reparenting with love and care.  I spend long hours avoiding normal chores because they bring intense feelings of doom, failure, rejection and punishment.  I know where this comes from and that is a major achievement but now I must find some healing.

I look forward to using this space to help myself heal.

--- End quote ---

GS, welcome back :)  I think it's great that you're reaching out to different places for help instead of giving up when your calls go unanswered.  I think that shows real strength and determination.  I do know what you mean about friends; some people just aren't tuned in to helping other people out, they don't know what to say or how to act.  It's hard because it feels like rejection but you know that people here 'get' what it's all about and anything/everything you write is bound to resonate with someone.  I find posting about it helps because I express myself better in writing than I do verbally and it's good to be able to read things back further down the line and see that you have come through it, you have made progress and you've learnt just that little bit more aobut yourself.

So I hope you feel able to write whatever you need to and know that we're all here with you (((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))

Hopalong:
GS--so very good to hear from you!
I'm sorry it's because of renewed pain.
I hope it does help to spell it and spill it here...
nothing harder than feeling alone in 3D world.

And you know I can relate, intensely, to the paralysis
over routine chores of life. I've gotten better, but when
I was most on the edge economically and needed most
to focus, I remember it was harder than ever. Then add ADD...

Are you on a precipice, or just rebalancing after wobbles?

love to you,
Hops

moonlight60:
Hi GS ,

 It is good to hear from you ....It has been a long time.

I also understand early trauma and a feeling of almost being doomed before you start.

My answers were found when I was treated for PTSD .

In EMDR, you will bring to mind emotionally traumatic images, beliefs about the self, and bodily sensations related to a traumatic event.

You will also identify alternative and more positive views or evaluations of the traumatic memories and the self.

 With these thoughts and images in mind, you will be asked to also pay attention to an outside stimulus, such as eye movements  guided by the therapist.

The goal of this to facilitate the processing of traumatic memories.

After years of talk therapy EMDR has brought me  inner peace .

Hope you find the path that helps to heal the trauma and find the peace you so deserve.

Love and Light ,

Moonlight

Ales2:
This is an important post, thanks for starting it.

Anyone have any experience with hypnotherapy? I was thinking of looking into it to relieve subconscious issues -anxiety associated with Nism,  shame, and other issues that result in habits (procrastination, futility etc) that are killing my productivity and stalling my life. Here is a site that has information that I am considering.

http://andersonhypnotherapy.com/effects-trauma-abuse/

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

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