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Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
Izzy, that need to share runs so deep in us doesn't it? I am so glad you have Ellen and Carla to share books and TV with. 

As I progress through this blanket of shame I find myself digging through depths of rejection and the deeply binding fear (and expectation of fear) of rejection.  The longing for connection is so great but I am uncovering a long repressed sense of resentment of being rejected and ignored that goes back to the beginning of my time.  I am seeing at long last how that fear of rejection, expecting it and resenting it have all, ironically led to more of it. I can't help but believe as these fall away I'll find more opportunities for connection and sharing and relationships. I'm counting on it.

Gaining Strength:
River, I love your comment. I think language is very important, that choice of words has power and frames he way we understand something. I chose the phrasing "I enshrouded myself in" because if I did it then I can undo it. It gives me the power to do something about it, now that I am an adult.  But, your wording is really a reflection of what happened to me. As a child I had no ability to chose, I simply reacted, and that was out of the need to survive. I certainly couldn't reason about what was happening to me. But what I like about your choice of words is that it reminds me that I am not responsible for what happened though I am becoming empowered to do something about it.

Gaining Strength:
I am making progress, and I am so thankful. I feel the tight grip shame producing anxiety has had on me lifelong is lessening her grip. As I unravel from that I of course encounter other strangleholds but their revelation is much easier to face and release than any obstacle I have worked through yet.  It all gives me such great hope. But I will think myself healed (not perfected, just healed) wi
Hen I am free to tackle the tasks I set out for myself. I still have work to do to get their, perhaps some more archeology but certainly some entrenched habits to switch. Patience, determination, perseverance and celebration of victories along the way. Step by step.

Daily I have countless opportunities to  notice and release the long practiced, unconscious, internalized voices of condemnation. Until very recently, their presence, either conscious or unconscious, was debilitating. No longer. Now when I become aware of them I am able to say " There it is. I no longer am ruled by this." Each time I feel such comfort and relief.

Looking forward to more healing tomorrow and each day forward.

Gaining Strength:
Time for the next step. I've made great strides in processing shame. Who knows how much more there is but I know what to do with it when it strikes now: just recognize the force at work, call it by name, recognize that it is belongs to those who shamed me bad is from my schildhood and tune into an image of someone full of love.

But the other day I recognized that rejection is a major force holding me back as well and so is self-loathing. That self-hatred never really belonged to me but I took on the project because I believed in my parents when I was a child.l

I found a wonderful website today that addresses these very issues. I can't wait to delve in. I love the philosophy that I have initially found.

The web page is coquettish.com
Here's a bit from the site: The stuckness of a pattern is frustrating, but ... do you hear the hidden message in this? Let me say it again. The emotional body - even though frozen, unexpressed, unremembered and inaccessible - has enormous power to outpicture whatever it is holding.

I'm in for a venture, heading back into the maelstrom in order to work things out. Following the philosophy that the only way out is through.  The little bit that I have already experienced open me up to the great anger I have at being totally dropped, neglected by my mother. No doubt those feelings are in there concerning my father as well. I feel such hatred and I do not like that. So I have repressed it but it has NOT gone away.

. I'm heading back in. It is always scary to do but each and every time it has been a winning result. I'm so thankful to have a place to share my journey. Wish me well.

Hopalong:
I wish you well!

Hops

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