Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Ok, yesterday, in touch with more dark stuff.

IMAGE: standing at sink, in a ball on the floor, hands over head, FOO standing over me yelling at me, "You idiot!", "You fool!", "You ruin everything! ",(My mother used to say this very thing to me regularly.)

Once about 10, I complained about breakfast one Saturday morning. My mother said, "ok, you make breakfast tomorrow then." Not an unreasonable response but I had never been allowed to cook and had no idea how nor anyway to get to the grocery store nor any help. Not surprisingly what I fixed was really bad.  But the "teasing" was relentless and contined for decades. 

So if I complained then it was totally up to me - ZERO help, zero training, nothing. And if I failed the abuse was relentless.

If I erred, the abuse was worse.  If I tried the taunting was 4 against 1.

[Gaining Strength]

I don't know about my parents finances when they were living. They were both secretive. But when they died they both had millions. But when my husband died and my income was lost and what I had went to cover his debts, neither of my parents offered to help me financially.  Not in a significant way.  My mother would dole out a couple of $100 every now and then for a while. I needed real help and I was suffering from debilitating depression and anxiety.  I had one disaster after another including over $30,000 damage done by water and mild. Walls and ceilings had to be ripped out but I had no money to put them back in. For years I went without heat. Other years without AC. Months on end without water.  Had my aunt not died and my cousin not agreed I would have been without a car. 

But even as a teenager and young adult my parents just turned a blind eye to my needs. When I was in my 20s and divorced struggling, my parents just turned a blind eye.  When I was working a good job and my father wanted me to accompany my mother out of the country (so he could start divorce proceedings) he was relentless in his demands that I go with her even though that would mean I would lose my job.  At that time, in my 20s, I had no idea that I had an option. I believed that they had my best interests in mind. I couldn't have been more wrong.

On a subconscious level I believed they would have helped if I deserved it. 

[Twoapenny]

Ok, yesterday, in touch with more dark stuff.

IMAGE: standing at sink, in a ball on the floor, hands over head, FOO standing over me yelling at me, "You idiot!", "You fool!", "You ruin everything! ",(My mother used to say this very thing to me regularly.)

Once about 10, I complained about breakfast one Saturday morning. My mother said, "ok, you make breakfast tomorrow then." Not an unreasonable response but I had never been allowed to cook and had no idea how nor anyway to get to the grocery store nor any help. Not surprisingly what I fixed was really bad.  But the "teasing" was relentless and contined for decades. 

So if I complained then it was totally up to me - ZERO help, zero training, nothing. And if I failed the abuse was relentless.

If I erred, the abuse was worse.  If I tried the taunting was 4 against 1.

Oh GS, this really resonated with me, our home was just like that - no instruction, no guidance, no support, but endless criticism and ridicule for getting it wrong.

I used an idea I got in a book (you might be doing this already), which was to parent myself - so when I did something to talk myself through it the way a good parent would "oh you did that so well, look how nicely you scrambled those eggs, and you've tidied away your plate as well, well done" - that sort of thing.  It did/does help, although I must say the grief at realising I'd never heard that before was huge - and I did find it very tiring as you're sort of working in 3D.  You're doing what you're doing, plus hearing the old voices, plus saying the new stuff to yourself over and over.  But it did help chip away at it all, bit by bit.  Hang in there xx

[Gaining Strength]

Twoapenny's, that's lovely. I do believe that it is so tiring because it is a battle and that the battle is own by repetition.  I love your suggestion. It resonates with other things I have learned..

[Gaining Strength]

I continue to plod forth . Yesterday I woke up with such a sense of peace and quiet joy. A serenity I have not known.

Today I was able to begin cutting through the mess. I see now the pain that has been the barrier. The hatred I internalized engendered such physical discomfort that I could not move forward.  With developed conscious focus on the healing I can move forward now.  It will take time to figure out the best way to proceed and how to navigate the barriers to come.

Lifelong I have given in to my training to dial into the shaming they meted out. I have struggled for years to find a sustainable way to oppose that or move around it or shift from it and until now I have not been able to break through.  But this morning I poured water on the clump of FOO ting to draw me back into their hatred and they meltdown away much like Cora.

If I have stepped through the window then I can sustain where I am through conscious effort, not like learning to walk again. What should come without thinking takes thinking through each and every step.

As I progress, I am able to look back on very painful memories and process them rather than be floored by them.  Very hopeful.

[ann3]

Hi GS,
It's good to see you & it sounds like you're doing wonderfully:

 Yesterday I woke up with such a sense of peace and quiet joy. A serenity I have not known......
As I progress, I am able to look back on very painful memories and process them rather than be floored by them.  Very hopeful.

I think it's healing to recall these very painful memories, face them and acknowledge what was done to you was wrong. When I have done that, the toxic poison, which was caused by others but was lingering within myself, melted away, just like you said.

At that time, in my 20s, I had no idea that I had an option. I believed that they had my best interests in mind. I couldn't have been more wrong.

This must have been a really painful realization but I think it's very healing to state your truth because the truth kills the toxins and sets us free.
I agree with Twoapenny about re-parenting ourselves.  Since we didn't have good parenting as children, we need to re-parent ourselves. I think re-parenting really helps with healing.

Have you read M. Scott Peck's "People of the Lie"?  He discusses a few cases about toxic parents:
"To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it. For to “come to terms” means to “arrive at the name (evil).” As therapists, it is our duty to do what is in our power to assist evil’s victims to arrive at the true name of their affliction.”

http://books.google.com/books?id=hrdMD_ZoL8UC&pg=PA130&lpg=PA130&dq=searing+vision+are+those+who+are+able+to+name+it.&source=bl&ots=ZndwOI1vMd&sig=3eP-_B9KjJgyIa1NbTrQm46AXBc&hl=en&sa=X&ei=rN7FU7nlDszjsAS_goCYCg&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=searing%20vision%20are%20those%20who%20are%20able%20to%20name%20it.&f=false

[sKePTiKal]

Hiya - I changed my name when D#1's life imploded and required both D#2 and I to intervene. There's a bit of the story left in the member's section; I got so paranoid, that D#1 might come here and read all my anger & pain, that I deleted a whole thread worth of posts. It brought up the sum total of all my past crap and trying to keep those separate, while navigating through something really delicate and complex stuff for/about her, required that I hollar for help. That was last year; she hasn't really "changed" so much -- as begun the long process of finally growing and working through her own pile o' crap.

The pool taunts me. It promises cool boyuent(SP?) freedom of movement - or simply floating. It's sparkly and associated with fun. I "save" it for company and don't feel comfortable - or "allowed" - to simply enjoy it all by myself. Same old, same old issues for me, too.

You said:

(When I go through these healing periods I find myself unable to stop talking, talking, talking. I think it is the undieing need to connect, to be heard, to be affirmed. It would come from that deep, deep, wound of primordial rejection.)

If I may - I think you could've just stopped with the bolded part. Sometimes, what I pay attention to, is the sum total of my "experience". There's no "switch" in my head that forces me to feel one thing or another -- yes, echoes come up sometimes through unconscious or subconscious association; those get acknowledged with a nod -- and I move on. Because I choose what I will pay attention to - even with my own internal experience. For me, there just aren't any real answers to "why? questions". I'm not special, born with a guarantee that my life will be smooth sailing, everyone will love me (or understand me... LOL), and I suspect (again, for me only) that 50% of what I "feel" as rejection is my own "giving up" and stopping trying.

What Dr. G posted a few pages back, hit me like the 2x4 that I absolutely needed; to shake my head loose from blaming myself, for not allowing myself to connect with other people, for being obsessed (this is me, now, I'm talking about) with the solving the mystery of why/how I never really learned to be "fluent" in attached relationships. Why my instinctive reaction when I get too close to someone is to flee, withdraw, feeling suffocated and threatened, to DISTRUST proffers of friendship and love. Making my whole existence about finding answers to the "why" and "how"... means there's no space/time -- I'm not allowing myself to enjoy the adventure and risk and thrill of connecting to someone in the NOW.

And of course: I'ma gonna kick myself and call myself an idjit for falling into this rut of a lifelong trap. With a loving, knowing smirk on my smart-a face, I might add. That's my progress to date. And ya know it's hilarious - that as much as ole Twiggy was such a rebellious fighter (in her own mind) - to watch her negotiate with the pool... about how many of hours of work, how many days in a row, what has to be "done" FIRST (ad infinitum - there's always something else)... before she'll go change and jump in.

It is the exact same with relationships. It's because there are flaws in how I learned from my primary relationship with my mom & dad - that if I trusted them to take care of me, be nice to me, see me, and appreciate me -- without FAIL, I was gonna be disappointed. It was always a crap shoot -- and mostly I got the negative responses that I wasn't ________ enough; or it wasn't the way my MOM would've done it. (As if that criteria matters...) For me, understanding the trust relationship behind Attachment theory opens a lot of doors.

And it doesn't require me to relive every single time I felt slighted. Instead: it turns my focus to learning a new skill. I'm a fast learner, always have been (even when I miss the obvious stuff dancing right in front of me, trying to get my attention). BUT: I have to pay attention to the cues that come from others more than my own fears and trepidation... I have to ALLOW myself to "go there"... try it, and when "nothing bad" happens -- realize that it takes 5000 repetitions to finally have the body memory and automatic response "learned".

OH - before I forget - I've discovered about myself, that there are some things I do (like spending too much time reading & pontificating online) that involve repetitive motions... that seem to satisfy some requirement to be "doing something about something"... without ever accomplishing a damn thing. I think my journals were like that. I filled 16 books and still have one that's half full. The other 16 were delivered to Mr. Dumpster and they'll be buried in some damp, sandy landfill that someday will be covered by ocean - again. Davy Jones's Locker seemed damned appropriate.



ENOUGH about me!!!!!!!  I've been following your posts on FB. And I've been gobsmacked by how much progress you really have made over the years. You have a lot of friends -- or at least acquaintances who are interested and caring for you, to some degree or another. You and your son have had some really interesting adventures together! (I'm still a hermit.) It's true, those relationships can't EVER replace the unconditional parental attachment one should have had... but in some small way, it adds to the pile of new, learned trust and reciprocal caring to help balance things out.

Think of it as one cubic inch of trust, at a time. 

Compared to my self-isolation your life is exciting and fun and full of people you can count on. I wanna try your life on for size!!! Just for a little bit. 

[Gaining Strength]

Anne3 and Skeptikal I want to acknowledge your posts.  Anne - it is time for me to retread people of the lie. That segment you linked is very powerful for me. It gives me such a sense of relief.  Skeptikal - your writing calls me to read and re-read, and then digest.   I have to say I'm glad to connect with you both.

I continue to make progress. This morning I find that the self criticism is lifting slowly but surely. And in truth not so terribly slowly that I can't see a difference each and every day.  I am learning so much and seeing so much.  It is a big help and I see how this is leading to a relief from the "mess." It is becoming easier for me to be patient.

The paradigm of energy continues to work for me.  And I am practising retuning my radio which was programmed early on to tune into my parents dumping.  All of those issues I identified so early on still ring true. Peck wrote that name evil is important and so I have found with the individual issues. 

It is so important for me to continue to work on this "feeling" of a higher vibration. For me itis connecting to this vague concept of "love." I have for so long been connected to shame.

This morning as I was doing my own form of meditation, I had an insight into part of what is going on.  The very real paralysis that has crippled me for so long has a component of fear. Fear of the very paralysis and that makes it difficult for me to get going. But once I get going it continues to be so, so painful. And it took me YEARS for the thoughts to emerge.  For decades it was a feeling that had no thoughts available to me.  This whole darkness was so very deep.  Now that the thoughts are beginning to emerge, I can work with them using Schwartz' 4 Steps and other means.  But most important to me today is building on this lifting myself out of shame and self hatred. I have several tools to help with that and one is the image of loving people. It has taken me a very long time to be able to do this.  It has taken years to be able to connect to an image of a loving spirit because early on love and condemnation were fused for me. It is very difficult for me to conger up the image of love and difficult to hold on to it but that will improve as I do it more and more.  Right now. Can do it when I am alone and nothing needs me attention.  Ultimately I will be able to do it when I am facing the stuff that brings up self loathing.  That is when the hold will be broken.

I'm definitely getting there.

[Gaining Strength]

I know I am getting better. But i have to look for signs and keep reminding myself. I've had a lifetime of looking for signs that I am failing and it is a mindset that I can do something about. But I am less certain if I am on the right path or nt. And that makes it very tricky for me as I post here. While I know better than share my strategies with anyone other Han here, even here I feel very vulnerable. It feels so risky.

I was reading on the cyquest web page recently and ran across a statement that spoke,of shifting effectiveness, that in trying to evoke repressed emotions what works on day may not work on another.  That really rings true to me as I try to connect to a sense of well being.  I can do it first thing in the morning but have a very hard time during the day, especially if I am facing one of my difficult tasks.  

What helped Monday, isn't helping today. But I did find that reaching into my mind's eye and comforting that broken child who is feeling discouraged at not being able to do what she needs to do is helpful.  It is keeping me out of the self condemnation and hat is certainly a step up.  One step at a time.

Unable to move forward I am nonetheless finding that I have made one very nice advancement. The shame and fear are cracking and breaking up with large chunks falling off. Underneath is the broken, wounded child who is still avoiding the miserable pain of condemnation. But I can pick her up and  take care of her. And just wait to see what comes of this.  Taking the pressure of, the pushing and expectation releases some of the stress and with it a whole level of self-hatred, "not enough", "not good enough."

Now what I hear is, "It's okay. No wonder you feel that way. Rest, get stronger. You'll be better soon nough. Give it time."

I see the value of believing I am n the healing path. By believing, I look for signs. When I have flashes of shame, I name it, acknowledge where it came from and see some of the painful things I did out of it, chalk it up to the extreme pain of my childhood and think of myself as a trauma patient who is healing but not yet ready to hit the gym. "Be patient, but don't take my eye off of the prize." It is a gentle balance.

I had to get through some level of the shame before I could even do this reparenting.  In the past when I tried to tell myself it was alright and to comfort myself it actually generated a sense of shame. But I realize that I have some sense of this self comforting to be bogus and maybe it is because in the past it actually triggered shame.   Only time will tell if it is effective.

[Hopalong]

I love hearing that you are turning your own love within and in kindness, comforting your hurt inner child.

That it where it happens.

So very happy to hear about this; it makes your healing real.
And so many other self-accepting comments that are creeping into your narrative.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Oh hops, thanks for the encouragement. It really helps.

[Gaining Strength]

This journey is such an odd  one. I have worked hard for so long. Some of it seemingly to no avail. Some aspects seem to heal with a sudden burst while others seem to take a very gradual slide.  But in the midst of it all it feels so long and slow and at times hopeless.

I was unaware until recent years that I had harboured deep resentment lifelong.  After I became aware of it I was still powerless to disentangle myself from it.  Then suddenly, when I work on shame, the full load of resentment evaporates and left In It's place is sorrow, a great spence of sorrow for all that was lost in those years of resentment.

The next layer emerging is rejection and boy is this one difficult and painful. I wake up with such a heavy heart each day. Worse still is the full weight of the years of rejection is pounding down on me.  It is such a heavy weight. And I feel a slight sweep of depression come over me.  Steady vigilance, mindful of the origins of this rejection, and keeping my eye on the greater spiritual truth of acceptance.

Each level is painful and difficult in its own way but there is some perceptible lightness to each level as well.

I remember when I started this journey years ago, I was afraid that the pain would be too great for ,me to bear. I no longer have that fear.  I do resist the full impact of the repressed feelings but even that I'm sure I can take now.

[Gaining Strength]

I find myself wailing along, doing something and repeating the phrase, "I hate you, I hate you." Over and over. I remember this being a regular phrase in my youth. I  wonder who the "you" is. I don't think it I'm hating myself. And I am fairly certain it isn't me hating my parents. It is either a reflection of the hatred they felt towards me or my hatred of the rejection.  It is hard to know. But it is brought forward to be processed.

[sKePTiKal]

I find myself wailing along, doing something and repeating the phrase, "I hate you, I hate you." Over and over. I remember this being a regular phrase in my youth. I  wonder who the "you" is. I don't think it I'm hating myself. And I am fairly certain it isn't me hating my parents. It is either a reflection of the hatred they felt towards me or my hatred of the rejection.  It is hard to know. But it is brought forward to be processed.

Another possibility: maybe you hated what you (then) believed you had to pretzel-twist yourself into -- to receive the help/acknowledgement/connection you craved from your parents.

You know, the concept of "false self" -- and I could see where one might even bundle together all the ways one tried to survive being isolated within the physical company of others; the coping mechanisms... and detest that one was reduced to those depths... to survive.

Not saying you DID this, either. Just brainstorming an idea.

Maybe it was just my stumbling blocks: but it seemed that the more I focused inward, the more determined I was to "get answers", and the greater my desire to "break on through to the other side"... the slipperier it got; the more things got away from me.

When I'd focus outward, on other things and people... and "do" things... is when the puzzle pieces started to fall into place and be intelligible.

[Hopalong]

What misery that must be.

I am so sorry, GS.

I can't imagine that mantra dominating my consciousness. If it's something like gestalt, releasing rather than feeding your anger, then it must be good.

But I feel very sad at what you are feeling.
Oh little child, inside. I hope you reach "I love you" soon.

love,
Hops