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Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
Skeptikal - I love your musings. I honestly don't know what it is.  But I find your thoughts interesting.

I get your pint on looking inward. It can be counterproductive at times. But I am confidant that I need to look inward at this time. Part of the problem for me is that I am totally stuck and unable to move forward. It just isn't happening. In truth, I'm writing down what I am looking at to make sence is it.  And some things that sense has been made of has been freeing.  It is a subtle balance. 

Gaining Strength:
Thanks Hops. One of the things I discovered in his recent process is that disconnect or dissonance when i tried to say or write "I love you." It opened up a cavernous insight to one of the huge blocks to healing and then all these memories and insights followed. 

More will come no doubt.

Gaining Strength:
Synchronistically, when I was with a friend yesterday, I picked up a book she was reading and it was all about positive mind sets. 

I'm being patient and determined.  Wishing things were popping open more quickly but glad it is summer and that I am able to have the time.  I have no doubt there will be a breakthrough, a major one, one that will at long last allow me to participate in life.

I do have. Lifetime of repressed condemnation that became internalized and habituated.  Now I am consciously adapting a different message. As I go along the ways this new message clashes with that repressed condemnation shows up.  It gives me an opportunity to work against it.

Yesterday my child and I struck out to get the dogs bathed. Our old place was closed. The traffic was bad. Two friends were trying to coordinate blueberry picking.  I found myself driving from pillar to post , missing phone calls getting behind schedule etc., etc.  and in the midst of it all, the old stuff popped up, giving me opportunities to see what is at work underneath it all.  I saw self-condemnation at work and saw how for most of my life it lead me to be reactive and constantly irritable. 

Then I got this powerful perspective on my father who (being OCDPD) was relentless I criticism and hostility, bearing down on every action and inaction, creating so much angst and anxiety and anger. Voila -there it was on a platter. I could see it.

So I am getting these powerful insights and then, without warning, I am back at what feels like step one.  It isn't step one but it is. It isn't because I have made profess but it is because the feelings are the same but I have more work to do.  And this is where I must be very, patient and have faith that I am making progress..this is also where I find it imperative to dial into a higher energy.

Believing  in the process is critical for me because the feelings tell me that I am making no progress. The day I am longing for is the one that I am free from this dark cloud dread that I have seldom been without.

Hopalong:
Okay...I'm on a roll (and a beer).

Here is your father. We are going to take him to the dog wash.
We do not care how much he is whining and snarling and barking...we (you, GS, in the present, since he's just an old ghost) HAVE THE LEASH.

That's right, Dad. UP. No, you do not have a choice. Hush. UP.
Right here, into the big sink.

Sorry you don't like suds. Here they come.

Rub rub brush brush. SIT!

Too bad. Water gets in the eyes, that's life.

Tough nuts. You had fleas and I'm washing them out.

No, not for you. I just don't want your fleas.

You gonna keep barking? NO BISCUIT!
Think about that. Just think.

Hush. I'm rinsing you.

I don't care if you think water torture is cruel.
You're DIRTY.

Very
very
very
DIRTY.

Tough.

You're a DOG.

And I'm holding your leash.

Get over it.

Gaining Strength:
You are definitely on a roll hops!

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