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Still need to work through early trauma

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Hopalong:
I believe you will create good things today, GS!
You've been loving your inner child and that allows the outer adult to tap into being alive.

If you feel engaged and active 5 minutes more than yesterday, it's a better day.

love
Hops

Gaining Strength:
Twenty levels down into the earth goes the bunker of shame and rejection.  It is deep and it is protected.  I have spent so much time seeking out healing but the effects were like a bandaid on a puncture wound.

The remedies was weak and the shame and self-loathing were  so strong a barrier. Nothing penetrated into the depths before.

When a child aches and suffers those around often brush it off or try to smooth it over without acknowledging the depths of the pain. That wound festers into the core. As adults we expect one another to "get over it." The pain we see in one another reflects our own pain back to us and we cannot bear it so we brush it aside. The greater the pain the less tolerable it is. Another's pain is at times so intolerable for us that we cut the sufferer off and throw them to the wolves.

I had a vision last night that showed me how this pattern has repeated itself over and over in my life.  I see how people who claim to be healers are themselves often looking for simple, easy victories because they need to rejoice rather than be seared by the pain.

I saw the jealousy and resentment that burned at the core of my parents rejection and how others in my life felt the taint of those wounds and unconsciously steered clear, piling on the rejection. When the resentment set into my being the cycle was complete for alienation.

I saw that "I hate you." Was pointed to me for a state of being that would engender even more resentment and rejection and shaming from those two who brought me into this world..

This revelatory process is slow and painful.  It goes very deep and is layered.  Will it work? Will it release me? Will it be complete? I don't really know but I choose to believe , "Yes."

Gaining Strength:
Hops thanks again for your encouragement.  I am finding a bit more of something each day - a little less shame and a bit more comfort.   I'm thinking hat this may continue until the balance has shifted and then I will have the strength to tackle the mess without facing the Fallon assault of shame that has been so deeply internalized.

That makes sense to me. Time will tell.

Gaining Strength:
The everyday being of me is deeply shamed. I am healing that sad fact. I am aware of a good bit that has been lifted. I no longer see it as emanating from a flawed being but as a result of cruel training. So even though the feeling is still crippling for the first time in my life I am assigning that shame and loathsome ness not to myself but to an outside force.  This definitely helps.  It cuts out that entire process of shame being shaming. That must be huge. But it is not yet enough to lift the crippling aspect of the shame clean away. 

This will come - perhaps in a clean jerk or perhaps in fits and states. I'll tell you this - it is a great relief to actually feel compassion for myself rather than shame and hatred., to get able to look back and see and understand why I was so angry and resentful, to no longer be plagued by wondering, " What is wrong with me?" 

All of this has to lead to something even greater.

Gaining Strength:
Because the shame is so deep and so extensive even when progress is made it feels like digging a hole in the beach. As each handful comes out the surrounding grains slide in to fill the space.  So I clear some shame and I pick up my foot to step in and the shame has filled the space again.  That is how it feels but when it examine things again I see that progress has been made.  I simply must continue forward knowing progress has been made.

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