I have had a light shown on one of my major flaws. It was right there on hehe surface. When it was pointed out to me I had to see that it has been clear as the nose on my face and yet I have been oblivious.
But then again , I think the timing is right. Until now I could not have handled the responsibility of looking my flaws in the face.
Years ago I was running with a friend. He was a superb athlete and I could not keep up. When we finished he asked me what I was thinking as I was running. With some prodding from him I finally answered that I was saying to myself,"I can't do it. I can't do it." He told me that I needed to shift my internal message..That was the first time I saw how negative my self talk was.
As I child, I had very controlling parents. Qthey were in full charge until I was 22 and then they were not. No conversation. Just all but physically absent. It took me decades to even see what had happened. As a child, there was no room for error. Errors were opportunities to destroy me.
All of this left me in a child like psychological state - in need of, looking for a parent to guide me, to pick me up when I fell, to show me the way and let me try again until I got it right. This was so totally lacking throughout my life. And quite naturally, society expects people to act like adults and not to have hands held along the way.
Much of my longing for "mother" was to have my hand held, to help and advise and encourage. With my mothers death and the subsequent horrific sabotage of all that is dear to me by my brothers, I find myself free in a way that I could not have expected.
I no longer have family but I also no longer have those ties that bound and fettered me, that hope of being loved and nurtured. Now I must bring it to myself. Now it is time to learn to be accountable in a different way. Not out of fear of rejection. That has been the only force that has governed me. Unable to move because it would be wrong and waiting for, longing for the authority on high to fix. Now it is time to tap into a force of love and kindness, a higher energy, that encourages and loves.
In some ways I have no idea how to proceed. And in other ways I have been collecting tools along this lengthy journey.
I needed pity and compassion as a child. The search and longing for pity starve me of my own strength and self actualization. Compassion we al need. I will be vigilant concerning my longing for pity and fill that with a connection to a powerful image of love.
I must become a person who is strong enough to keep my word, my commitments. It feels very scary to write that as it taps right into my fear of not being enough.
