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Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
The goal for me is to heal some of the deepest pain through  mindfulness, acknowledging the pain and separating myself from the hurt while not repressing it.

Gaining Strength:
Staying connected here helps me move forward, experience the shame and anxiety, name it and move forward.  I'm making incremental progress. The key for me is to experience the shame and be able to move anyway. That has been difficult to date. But I am finding a way forward.

Hopalong:
GS,

Would it help you to visualize the steel door as a "mistake" of your mind,
and intentionally decide that it's actually a bamboo curtain, through which
light and air can move?

love
Hops

Gaining Strength:
I am on a healing path at long last. The issues have always been the same but finding and believing in the techniques that will help me move forward through all of this has been painstakingly slow.

The mind-body connection is crucial and I applaud those who have understood that including Peter Levine and many others. I decry those who flaunt the belief that every action is a choice. That philosophy completely denies the unconscious which is  so much larger than the conscious. Bringing those unconscious forces into the light has been important for me. As I do the indescribable pain associated with it has been crippling . But no longer. I now have the means to process the pain , no longer repressing it, with the determination to get to the other side. This may need to be repeated countless times until the brain paths are shifted but I can do that. No longer do I need to avoid this pain. I know it's source and I know the release is on the other side.

This simple understanding dissolves a layer of shame and fear. With this knowledge, simply naming the anticipatory anxiety and accompanying shame is like pouring water on hard crystallized sugar, it softens and melts and dissolves away.

I know where the paralysis came from and why it has crippled me for so long. I understand why I have been impotent to overcome it. I know that all of my strengths and good characteristics are there waiting to be freed at long last. Finally I can foresee being able to be present to condemnation and rejection and name it and observe it but not own it or claim it. As a child I took all that was meted out as I saw it necessary for survival. My unconscious continued the pattern. But I am free now. The unbending surgery is complete. Now comes the  work of realigning my mind.

It will not be easy but I can do it.  After I progress with overcoming paralysis then I can do the same process with rejection. They are profoundly intertwined. I sold my identity early on in order to have fleeting moments of acceptance. The long run was just the opposite. The fear of rejection is so powerful but the experience of it ironically, has a way of inciting more alienating behaviour. By processing the grief of rejection; past, present and future, I expect to be able to grieve and move on. Letting go and no longer dwelling.grieving is a process of mourning and moving on.

I am reminded of the line, " Take what you need and leave the rest."  Even as I write I am aware of cracks forming in the iceberg. Lifelong I have countered every thought with all possible arguments against my own. These seeds were planted by my father who would later be diagnosed with many mental illnesses including OCD PD. I internalized these voices my entire life. They are part of what has crippled me. But that ice is cracking.

Gaining Strength:
What a great metaphor Hops.

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