Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Oh Ales 2, I so connect on vulnerability being dangerous. So many times I was asked to be and I was sabotaged. I have very clear memories of that.
I cannot imagine the pain you experienced with that therapist. It hurts just to read what you posted.
I totally get your point on Brown on vulnerability. There are levels of shame and levels of vulnerability and those who have been hit hard by toxic shame are not good at selecting people with whom to be vulnerable. I don't even know if it is within me. It is a boundary issue but on steroids.
Your comment about Brown has helped me prepare for my EMDR appointment tomorrow.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss and sickness around you. I am glad you have emotional override to help you through.
I look forward to reading more from you about it.
Gaining Strength:
More information: I feel inadequate about all tasks. So it is hard to do them. They feel like a set up for shame.
The information and understanding are streaming in now. First step before the healing.
Gaining Strength:
This is a painful process, allowing the stuff that I have so long repressed to rise, to feel it all again and to process it all these decades later.
I have an image of being asked to stand in a classroom, be called put, humiliated and forced to remain in class while laughed at. On returning home the torment is repeated and then a lovely mother enters. She gives me solace and when my father rises in anger to eject her, she stands her ground, telling him his behavior is wrong and damaging. He argues and she says that it is damaging not only to me but to him, the perpetrator, as well.
I feel myself sink into the comfort she offers. I know I am safe in her embrace but cannot find the courage to be released. Like a baby who is longing for connection I am not able to let go yet, needing to be safe, sevure& loved.
This image takes the edge off of the searing pain.
Gaining Strength:
So today is what I have thought of an an off day, a bad day, a day of warding off depression. And then as I was busy this afternoon it struck me that this is actually what the healing feels like. So now I am staring to associate this blah, yuck with intentional healing. That really transforms it. It helps me apply The Tools tool of feeling bad and doing it anyway. This yuck is going to be part of getting better, getting stronger, like muscle pain when working out. I can handle it.
Now I know why I find such resistance when it is time to go to an event or someone's home or a meeting. It flares the REJECTION, INADEQUATE warnings. Now I know. Now it is conscious. Now I can heal it.
Gaining Strength:
Trying to separate things out - the is a layer of sorts that is becoming clear. It is like a thin atmospheric layer encircling the earth, my earth. It pervades and it must be released.
I had a glimmer this morning of my child being sacrificing my welfare and my longings to conform with my parents unspoken, implicit, perhaps unconscious demands which were utterly self-destructive. This is where the stuff of rational knowledge gives life to the illumination of psychic threads interwoven, enmesh net. As this image becomes clearer it will become my choice to let it go and free myself.
Yesterday I took my child to watch Tibetan monks begin work on a sand Mandela. I am reminded of the impermanence and the danger of attachment. My child being living through me is attached to what could have been, all that could have been achieved had my family functioned. Time to let it go and be free to receive what is available.
That is the conundrum - holding on keeps me from receiving. And though I do not want what I have I have not let go.
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