Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Ales2:
Hi all I had an epiphany today about why certain comments my brother and my therapist said that bother me which is simply that they are personal responsibility freaks and a characteristic of that type of person lacks compassion and engages in victim blaming which is what both of them did to me. Their comments were way off the mark and both of them knew me well enough to know better.
They are both JERKS.
Gaining Strength:
Teartracs - what a powerful post. I want to say more, to hear more. But I can't even think what to say or ask. Thank you for sharing.
Gaining Strength:
These past three weeks I have been beyond stressed, unable to function, slowly grinding to a halt. It hit hard when I went to buy dinner and my card was declined. Finances in general cause me significant anxiety and shame but this was a repressed panic. I wasn't sure what it was, could have been several things - taxes, identity theft, etc.
I have been beyond disorganized since my mother died. That includes my bills and paperwork. I even called a friend to help me find my bank statements but she couldn't help. Today I found them, along with two envelopes from the bank I have moved around but not opened. My card was cancelled and replaced by the bank. It has caused me enormous pain and agony but there is one great benefit that will come from it and that is my determination to live more finically orderly. I feel profoundly relieved.
Ales2:
Here is what I am currently struggling to understand, no matter how many definitions or intellectual understanding I seem to be able to learn, hear and understand, I can never wrap my head around these three things.
NMom is so selfish that she wants everyone around her at holidays, but has no empathy as to what fills our lives during holidays. Im 46, single, no kids and right now, no job, no health insurance and I rent my apartment. But somehow, none of those major failures are even of interest to her, she just wants me home.
NMom will marginalize me, vehemently discourage, sabotage and undermine anything associated with my growth, financial independence, relationship success etc, because she fears abandonment and only her needs matter. She has her own issues with fear/limitations and can't even manage her own stuff - the living will, home maintenance or investments.
Being around her is like Kryptonite and it is the only time my "I have to give up, I can't handle this, disempowering self emerges." Somehow, when I visualize my Dad, I know I can't come to him with "I can't", I just do as he always said "Keep your nose to the grindstone" and I feel more empowered to work hard as I always knew he believed in me, but in many instances as wonderful as he was, I had to seek guidance for things he did not understand (which is rare, he was a very smart medical doctor, but doesn't understand the TV business or dating from the womens POV and certainly I doubt he ever recognized Moms Nism, although he had his own issues with her). The dismepowering self is a weird phenomoneom for me, almost like deafualt, of course she expects me to fail and she prefers it. With Dad, I cant look him in the eye when I feel this way, because I can sense its wrong.
Somehow, I wish I could do hypnosis or some other healing therapy that would kill off the disempowering self and activate more of my empowered self. (When I have another job, I think it will happen more often). The only good thing about disempowering self is when I am around people and I feel that, I know they are Ns, controllers and manipulators to AVOID at all costs.
EMPATHY, UNDERMINES GROWTH, KRYPTONITE and the DISEMPOWERING SELF
Yep, that's about it for today.
Hugs and Happiness to all my boardie friends. :)
Gaining Strength:
--- Quote ---NMom is so selfish that she wants everyone around her at holidays, but has no empathy as to what fills our lives during holidays. Im 46, single, no kids and right now, no job, no health insurance and I rent my apartment. But somehow, none of those major failures are even of interest to her, she just wants me home.
NMom will marginalize me, vehemently discourage, sabotage and undermine anything associated with my growth, financial independence, relationship success etc, because she fears abandonment and only her needs matter. She has her own issues with fear/limitations and can't even manage her own stuff - the living will, home maintenance or investments.
--- End quote ---
Boy do these two paragraphs speak to me.
I have come to realize that I carry that feeling of disempowerment around with me. But bit by bit, the tool I was given from EMDR is helping to diffuse it. There is a link to the self use that I'll find and pits. But the past 2 days using this has broken through the gripping anxiety repeatedly. I move my eyes from left to right 10 to 100 times. I feel something drain through my neck almost the way it feels for sinuses to drain, as though a pipe opened up. Then my shoulders relax and I feel a definite physical relief.
Yesterday I ordered the brain stimulator and am very excited about that.
Having a technique that begins to give relief also seems to allow me insight to how gripping the self-loathing has been, how disabling the life long depression and anxiety gave been. This eye movement exercise works in the way I had hoped EFT would but didn't for me. I wonder want life would gave been like had I had this 10 years ago.
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