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Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
One of the things that is difficult about this process us that as I process and heal memories and levels of shame more and more emerges to be healed. It feels as though no progress us being made and the intensity is enormous. But I have been at this long enough to know to just keep at it. There is a critical mass where it all cracks open ando moves forward., not unlike some other natural processes. I am finding it very easy to focus on the compassion for the first time in years of trying. All in the presence of the shaming memories that have controlled my entire life. That alone is progress. That shame is still horrifically painful but this compassion is slowly but surely dissolving the block and replacing the dark with the light. Bearing the pain in the presence of love dissipates it rather than represses it. For years I could not sustain that connection with love because my father's and mother's message that I was undeserving was too strong. But no longer.

Gaining Strength:
I am. Already feeling a shift in several areas: the intense longing is softening, as is the powerful pain of being left out. The anger and resentment have abated. I am primarily left with the raw pain and unfortunately the paralysis. But I am keeping my focus on the positive shifts. With that focus they will grow.

Friday my child found and online obit for his father. He brought it up to me because I was not mentioned in it. I realized it must have been done by his half sister. In the past this would have both shamed me and enraged me. But this time I went online, found it, tried to correct it, discovered that the author has to make changes unless they have abandoned it. At first I felt helpless, but after a day I sent a message to the organization and explained the situation and asked them to correct it. Whether or not  they do is less important to me than the fact that I found the power to stand up and ask. And  another layer of healing that shame is that I am able to write about it here and open myself up, make myself vulnerable.

It's all so fragile but strengthening bit by bit. Writing here helps me tremendously. It encourages me, emboldens me, strengthens me.

Gaining Strength:
I found another article that goes directly to this shame issue. It is  The Power of Mindful Empathy to Heal Toxic Shame.

All of this is coming my way as the door is now opened. As I was processing more shame this morning I discovered one reason EFT has not worked for me. I was using the repeat line "I completely love and  accept myself." And I discovered that that line is enormously shame provoking. It didn't work to use shaming words to heal.

As I call on love and compassion I think of an infant who is held by a loving parent and comforted until that child feels restored. I think of toddlers who need reassurance and children who turn to parents to get the understanding and redirection and support needed to overcome the slings and arrows. That is what I am getting from my council of loving beings.  For years I could not sustain these images because the message that I needed too much was  more powerful than my ability to hold the loving image. I got the message loud and clear from a therapist whom I had great respect for.  But  now I am moving past that barrier. Thank goodness.

Gaining Strength:
I think I am going to have to come to acceptance with shame  over failure and that includes the results of this paralysis due to shame. One of the most toxic aspects of shame is that it is shaming. That the presence of shame generates more shame create so kind of prison. So that spiralling effect  must be healed as well.

Hopalong:
I understand everything you're writing here, GS.

And I am so moved and happy to read this:


--- Quote ---I am finding it very easy to focus on the compassion for the first time in years of trying.
--- End quote ---

This is massive.

I DO believe the paralysis will shift.
Small pleasure in small steps is safe.

Thank you for inspiring me to befriend my own paralysis, and give it enough compassion to yield. Just enough for one small step, in one present day. That's all it ever is. And I keep forgetting that.

love
Hops

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