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Still need to work through early trauma

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Ales2:
One more word on TGiving.

Called my NMom yesterday and she is wistful, a little sad that no one spends thanksgiving with her at her home anymore. Last "family" thanksgiving was 2007, and it was me, my NM, Brother, his wife, and her parents (6 adults total). My brothers two sons from previous marriage were with their mother.    Anyway, point is, my sister in law had a baby that year and their family dynamic changed, all their holidays, her parents (yes, she is an only child and they live 10 minutes away) come to them. Mom has not figured out the family dynamic has changes and so should she. NMom is devoid of family values has no interest in assimilating to the new family or respecting them. They invite her, but she doesnt come over, stays at home alone. They have good boundaries and dont put up with her games and non-sense. They invite but do not beg or cajole.  My brother excludes me from family holidays, they have been in a house for four years and I have never been invited there for any event or holiday, yet somehow, NM doesnt notice, nor does she care that she triangulated us and we dont get along. Last year my brother insisted that we stop exchanging xmas gifts. I was hurt, giving that one christmas gift was the last tie I had to him and it is gone, but I will get over it.  There is probably hurt on both sides, but I think hes treated me much worse than I ever treated him, but then, everyone says that. Its both, but I dont directly know what I did to hurt him. He's made obvious attempts to exclude me (all holidays, graduations, his wedding), Ive never done that to him. ANd, then he calls to explain to me why I should not be hurt about not exchanging gifts, that was the real slap in the face. If I write a letter or confront in any way, I will be seen as - "see, this is why you are single".  He went to this seminar called Landmark Forum and came out as a personal responsibility a-hole - they speak their "truth" without any concern for the other person so they can be "complete" with them....total garbage, does more harm than good.

Another quick note - not a reason but an aside to this. Mom lives in a house that currently has no oven, no running water in kitchen, no kitchen floor, just cement, no heat in house. Kitchen was being remodeled when Dad passed away in June 2000 and she called and fired the workmen because she did not know how to manage/handle them. There is enough to fix the house, there always was, even though she makes false claims about her finances and projects a poverty attitude (she doesnt want outside people or us kids to take advantage of her) but she refuses to manage repairs, keep the place maintained, spend money or trust the people to do repairs. This is directly an issue with her Nism, fear and distrust of others, not money itself. House is not a nice place anymore, its depressing, in disrepair and becoming cluttered.  I used to think she was the neat one, Dad was the mess, but she's proven that is not correct and she merely organized and cleaned to his standards.  Yes, I have seen the hoarder shows and grief over death of spouse is a trigger for hoarding, she is nowhere near that but I do recognize she has the personality traits, fear, indecision, lack of priorities, things that are broken/not used are kept, hangs on to things for sentimental value etc. She has alot of those.

Anyway, so glad to be out of that dysfunctional rats nest, not wanting to go back at all. Now, I can work on my life in peace.

Happy (belated) thanksgiving to all.

Gaining Strength:
Hops, hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. We did. Now I'm working to keep the blues at bay.

Gaining Strength:
Ales - your post hits hard. I could have written it.  Since my mother's death my child and I have been totally estranged from my brothers.  It is best but it is a huge loss.

I have adopted the philosophy that  my reaction to the hurts and rejections has had an effect on my brain but the brain being changeable can be corrected. I was taking some nice supplements that has been helping me but in the business didn't take them yesterday and boy can I tell.

Not a good day but my little device is due today.

Gaining Strength:
Writing here helps me see that I am making progress.  Most days it is as though I am swimming in a perpetual lap pool - putting out effort but getting nowhere. But what I believe is that I am progressing and as I do, as I process so much crap more comes along to be processed. So the level never changes.

But I am aware of a profoundly improved attitude in all regards. That is worth so much. The resentment and bitterness have all but disappeared. Now I am knee deep in fear and expectation of rejection, failure, not deserving & not being good enough.

I am painfully aware that these have always been there but they were repressed under all the other.

I am remembering and celebrating the process of healing every day even while I continue to recognize how the dark stuff manifests in my life. When I become aware I am able to replace it.

Gaining Strength:
Tt - that is fascinating. Both parts: being obedient to what you know is right and that the understanding is not what you would have Predicted.

I do hope you will elaborate on "being obedient to what you know is right." I love the sound of it. And I am so Particularly drawn to the concept of knowing what is right.

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