Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Processing a lifetime of rejection and hatred directed towards me. The anticipation of both. That's the paralysis. I'm at the root of it all. Working he process. I don't know if I can speed it up. Of course I would like yo but I am working it, working it. Moving out of victim hood.
Need to address sense of obligation and shutdown bitterness tied to that. The juvenile paint, "Why do I have to?" Focus on tapping into universal motherly love. Replace the dark with the light. Focus on the light coming in, not the dark going out. That's the pkanning. Return to it when distracted, over and over and over again.
I'm on the right path.
If I get off I will be notified.
Gaining Strength:
Oh Ales - what synchronicity.
That "work hard" leading to rescue is so painful isn't it. I have seen it in me. But then it didn't and I was list, angry and bitter.
Something in an N childhood, the controlling nature juxtaposed by their abandonment somehow leads to deep seated belief that performing well enough will bring acceptance?
Such pain in ripping these scabs wide open. Such pain, hope and doubt all a jumble.
Gaining Strength:
I learned something. I knew abandonment was an issue for me but I have thought rejection and the incessant criticism/not good enough was the whole root. Clearing stuff away today I see abandonment by my mother was more foundational. Had she stood with me, taught me anything, participated with me, worked with me, helped me ever, I would have had more strength to tolerate the rejection until I could get free.
Abandonment is a type of rejection but. It is also a set up for failure and that is a trap that I have stepped into over and over until it became ingrained. So now I must spring it, without fear.. No victim..
Gaining Strength:
Oh TT, such a beautiful metaphor. So touching to read that you found the "grandpappy" of all the keys. I will keep trying them. Each one ingetmbrings me closer.. Cheers. Thank you for sharing.
Gaining Strength:
How many roots can there be???
I have never dealt with my mother wounds. They are erupting in spades. Underneath the abandonment stuff is shame, deep, deep shame, the profound sense of not being good enough and anger at being shamed and rejected. I dug around a bit, just a small bit. I found a lacuna of self-hatred. It has been there always and is quite deep. I have covered it up my entire life but now I scape away the collected detritus hiding it. The pain is crippling so I apply a salve of mindfulness and EMDR to ease the hurt. Cup by cup I am emptying the pool. How deep is it all? I have no idea but I will keep clearing and emptying with the faith that in time the cumulative of the work will reduce the pain enough to function and perhaps flourish..
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