Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on January 27, 2015, 03:59:24 PM ---I deserved failure and rejection, filth, failure and condemnation. He told me and I believed him.
I do not deserve success or beauty or acceptance and belonging. He implied it and I absorbed it unaware.
I know nothing else but I choose to no longer live that reality.
Receiving awareness of these states without judgment or fear of permanence is anethma, paradoxical, but possible and healing. Do I deserve healing? Will my unconscious receive healing and deserving of love and life?
Somehow. Yes.
Please let it be swift like a rushing wind.
--- End quote ---
GS, I believe the very fact that we seek it means it will come. For me, this incredibly painful stuff was the healing, it just hurts so much that it doesn't feel like it at the time. But this is the bit where you're digging out the rotting flesh so that the wound can really heal and become clean and beautiful again. I'm so sorry that he couldn't see what an amazing, strong, deserving soul you are. I'm glad that you've seen that now xx
Gaining Strength:
Thank you a Two-a-penny. I am definitely dealing with rotted flesh, layers and layers of it. With the layers I understand more about myself and how I got where I am. Those are things I longed to understand better since my 20s. But I bemoan the fact that cutting through the rotting flesh doesn't bring relief. That's what I had hoped for and expected - a gradual release of pain.
I still hope and I will never give up but I am angry that relief is so hard to come by.
BTY, your post tells me how well you understand. Being understood is such sweet salve.
Gaining Strength:
Hops, I've been thinking about your post and I realized this. This is something that I have thinking about in various contexts for some time. As a mother and as a person who was not mothered, I have become conscious of the need of a child to be nurtured when something bad happens. A small child goes to a mom and cries about what has happened. Regardless of the moral of the offense the child needs to receive love in order to have the fortitude to stand on her own feet and learn to walk emotionally.
I tried to buck up my own child before he was ready and finally realized that he needed to be loved where he is rather than get him to get beyond the hurt and become spiritually mature. In watching him struggle I saw that I myself had needed to be loved rather than taught to be tough. Acknowledging the hurts, understanding the pain is loving and nurturing. When strong enough the child grows and heals and the arrows no longer hurt as much and ra more easily deflected.
I am definitely dealing with wounds from ages 2 through 5. I am looking forward to the days when these old wounds are no longer sources of searing pain and the positive thoughts and feelings come without manufacture and corrections are easy.
Naming something is part and parcel to having dominion over it. Calling something dark by a name of light is topsy turvy , creating chaos just as was my parents calling neglect and obligation, "love."
Hopalong:
Fair enough. I believe that, GS.
And thank you for it.
And you know, I believe it in my own life as well.
I write some very dark poetry at times, and the deeper my wording goes to reveal how deep some pain is...
often the better I feel about my poem.
Heist on my own petard, but really learned something.
Thank you.
love,
Hops
Gaining Strength:
I surely didn't mean to bash you or your post Hops. But I needed to work it all out for myself. When I read your post initially I clearly saw your point. But then the rest of the picture came to me.
Language is a wondrous thing. Specific words can point to a broad swath where each of us can see varying specifics unrelated to another's view and yet pointed to by the same language. And in that way there is both communication and complete failure to communicate. Something like the 5 blind people at different parts of the elephant.
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