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Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
Remarkable break through during mindfulness exercise today..I saw in a new way how the rejection and constant criticism and the fear of the men prisoner me.  In a moment I was standing outside of that prison but not far enough away for the fear to completely subside.

These past few months have shown me what had me trapped after years, decades of trying to understand.  Now the understanding is so clear it is hard to remember not understanding.  When I first saw the pain was not released or even lessened. That was terrifying. But bit by bit I am experiencing more insights and bits of freedom from the paralyzing pain. I see freedom coming.  When the fear of the paralyzing pain is gone I will have freedom because the pain is currently bearable. But I still have a long way to go. Today I have the courage to get there.

Gaining Strength:
In time I expect that insight into the connect between the contrast and inevitable criticism from FOO which is internalized and now omnipresent in my being, will begin to unravel the connection and separate what belonged to them from what is mine.

Still the pain during even the briefest mindfulness exercises is extreme. But the unraveling is becoming expected and this expectation may replace the expectation of condemnation which is the binding fetters. I see that on the horizon.

Gaining Strength:
I am becoming aware that throughout my life I have survived by repressing the pain.  As I use mindfulness exercises I become increasingly aware of the pain that has been repressed.  Initially that awareness intensifies the pain and is unbearable.  In time, maybe seconds maybe weeks, the awareness takes the sting away.  Bug still the fear or anticipation causes me to tense up and automatically repress again. 

I now know that the anticipation is what has bound me.  To learn that the intensity of the pain can be diminished will allow me the experience activities that heretofore have caused me unbearable pain and use mindfulness to bear it.

Writing this brings it out into my consciousness. Keeping this in the forefront gives me bits of courage to keep pushing forward.

Hopalong:
BRAVO, GS!

It's wonderful to hear that what was darker and had risen is ebbing and now is oxygen, and forward flow again.

I'm so glad to read of your insights.

love
Hops

Gaining Strength:
I had the most extraordinary dream last night. I was lengthy with many scenes and it was filled with exceptional creativity.

In an early scene a young mother was being sentenced for a crime. She had been so stymied by the original accusation that she had been unable to defend herself. After being found guilty a friend of hers took a hidden camera and took her friend to the crime scene, a repair garage, where she interviewed the defendant and others. Through this process the true story ce spilling out and the defendant was cleared.

There were some clever turns to the filming but I cannot remember them. 

In another segment, I befriended a young, artistic, single mother whom I expected was struggling. I went into her studio home which was full of patrons. She had a bowl full of odd fleshy fruit looking items which she was meeting out judiciously. They were seeds of ordinary plants but she had discovered a process by which the seeds would grow more quickly and abundantly.

As I stepped into her studio I saw a stately mannequin draped on a beautiful garment. As I watched, the fabric folded around from the back revealing an entirely different look and again. She had designed an exquisite dress that morphed into three beautiful gowns. A friend confided that Hoda Koptke had purchased the original.

There were more scenes that are fading now. But it was a time of indulgence in brilliance and inclusion a beginning of belonging. Far from my usual dreams of humiliation and rejection.

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