Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Finally able to sit for 10 minute segments without being overwhelmed by shame and anxiety with the feeling of needing to run. Now I am looking forward to being able to face chores with the same presence. Able to work in spite of feelings of needing to runaway, able to work through the pain.
Gaining Strength:
I live in a state of perpetual fear of failure, being cheated, and rejection.. My constant fear both cripples me and insures that I will bring on those things I fear.
My nascentractice of mindfulness allows me to begin to be present to theses constant fears. In doing so they have incrementally less controll over me. Initially the thing I focus my attention on, become aware of, gets excruciatingly more intense. It is utterly counter intuitive that holding my focus will decrease that pain rather than increase it. It feels increased. The expectation of that increase adds yet another layer of pain and feet. The brain processes expectation as the real thing.
So many layers.
Gaining Strength:
As I attend to the anticipatory dread my anxiety kicks into high gear. I want to flee from it. But really, rarely a moment in the day do I not have a sense of needing to retreat. Becoming aware of this increases the pain of it. How odd that this should. Bring healing.
Hopalong:
It is odd but I think it's not counterintuitive anyway.
It reminds me of what it's like to heal from a physical wound, or surgery.
Such acute pain when an infected wound is opened and cleaned, brutally so.
And great soreness and pain during the rehabilitation.
And then, as new muscle forms, tiny new fibers find each other and knit,
nerves calm and learn their living pulse, skin even if forever scarred seals
strong and whole again.
And the breeze blows over you, and scents come, and you turn to the
water, and notice as you clean a plate, how beautiful it is that the
water flows over your hands while you work. And it feels simple.
love
Hops
Meh:
Shucks you two are so poetic!
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