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Still need to work through early trauma

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Hopalong:
"I like it" is good enough for me! (Meaning you...)

Wishing you water flowing over your hands, a plate
at a time, and ... it being simple.

(And thanks, GS, for calling it poetic. Poetry is all I did
for some years.)

xo
Hops

Gaining Strength:
Anxiety is a very complex set of disorders.  Even for me, who has suffered long, the varieties can be difficult to identify.  

Oh I know anxiety when my pulse is elevated and breathing is shallow and fast and my foot won't stop tapping and I want to run out of my skin. But it is so difficult at times for me to recognize that the parallysis that effects only certain(ever increasing) acts is also anxiety.  

Yesterday I read a beautiful piece about anxiety and mindfulness that shone a light on this issue.  

I am both compelled to write the same things over and over and utterly bored by it.  Casting all my lots on mindfulness saving me.

Anxiety is horrifically contagious. First attaching to one trigger but easily moving to more and more. Will it recede in similar manner?

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-it-be-using-mindfulness-to-overcome-anxiety-depression/

Gaining Strength:
Sitting frozen for months now I have learned quite a bit. No doubt that moving out of the fetal position could be beneficial - in more ways than one. But over this time I have been flooded by and overcome by the years of rejection and loss and pain. But I have also processed much of I as well and I have come to see my role in much of it too, especially how
My resentment pushed people away, left my caustic and self
Righteous which further Alienated me causing more pain, spiraling deeper and deeper. It is all so clear now, so painfully clear.

This process and these insights have rendered me a person whom I like wih the exception of not being able to follow through on basic daily functions much less other necessary activities.  But I do see how his process of mindfulness will allow me to be present to this excuciating pain and in time I will be able to
Function inspite of it.

I hope to begin to shut down rather than give into diversions so that I can move forward. I have taken refuge in intellectual diversions and mind numbing ones as well. But I both long to let them go and to be enveloped
By them. Letting go is vital if I am to live. Can I choose life?

What will that choice be like? Over
And
Over and over each hour of each day.

Gaining Strength:
I have made progress. At times it is very difficult to discern but I am able to sit passively without thoughts triggering an anxiety attack.  That's a big plus.  Now it is time to face anxiety us a different way.  I have made progress dealing with passive anxiety, anxiety that strikes without me doing anything.  Now I must push things and face anxiety/repressed shame when I take action -any action - cleaning, dressing, preparing food, leaving the house, anything.  This will be more difficult. Just the thoufght of the action invokes anxiety.

This bail be hard but I know what is going on, I know what the resistance is.  And I know how to use the mindfulness exercises.  But as I look back I see how I began using the passive avoidance at an early age and it was a critical safety device. But it has spread from a protective tool needed rarely to a destructive habit controlling my life. 

First step is keeping it foremost in my consciousness.  We will see what hones from there.

Hopalong:
That sounds tremendously insightful, GS.

Fwiw, I'd like to share that I had truly awful, disabling anxiety for decades, including panic attacks at the slightest thought (or even in stillness) -- so scary I went to the E.R. multiple times convinced I would die--and now I truly don't. Haven't had a panic attack in decades.

So if you're asking is it truly possible it will not always be this way....yes yes yes.

love
Hops

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